Life seems to fall apart when I seem to lose focus on why I'm here on earth. Discontent or fear creeps in. Then I discover once again that I can't really do life on my own and that this life is not mine to live. That I have a purpose to fulfil and until I get back on track again, those feelings will stay. Life just gets more complicated and more difficult as we grow older. There's no doubt about that. Sure, we got more experienced and skilled but that's because if we don't learn how to cope then we will surely go insane. But that's only good until the next hurdle comes along.

With each hurdle that comes my way, it almost usually hits like a crisis. I start to panic first, then I spend many hours thinking about the problem and I spend hours looking for answers to the problem. Then I come to the conclusion that I'll have to let go and let God because I can't handle it on my own anymore.

With the cycle repeating itself, you'd think that I'd eventually learn my lesson, don't you? But somehow, it seems to re-occur again from time to time. Hopefully, the reoccurences will be lessening.

Then there's the dying to self bit that's part of the whole meaning of life. I suppose, with leaving things in God's hands also comes "what is God asking me to do?". That means, I'll have to listen/hear from God. To hear God, I need to have a heart that's synchronised with His. I need to die to that part of me that only self gratifies. If I don't wish to do that, then I can't call myself a Christian... a Christian is one who follows Christ. A follower follows and I can't go off doing my own things. Individualilty and uniqueness is bliblical but being alone and doing the Christian walk alone is not. We are each accountable to God, but we are called to live in unity with Him.

Unity with Him and with others... well, that's harder in practice than it is typing! I'd better work on my humility first... so I can submit myself to the one above me and to my peers or to other believers. So... that's where I am at the moment - working on my humility, servanthood and submission. What does that look like? What does the bible say it looks like? A broken and contrite heart to start off with would help. Psalms 51 says my heart is depraved and a broken and contrite heart is the sacrifice He requires. Well, once you realised how deprave your heart is, humility is not difficult, is it?

Anyway, what do I need to change now that I "see" my true colours? What's my true colours, btw??? I leave here pondering on exactly just that.