The Essence of Life

Christians need to share more with other Christians...

2011-07-31T21:51:00.003+09:30

I've been a Christian since I was 8 and went to Sunday Schools since I was 5 and now in my early 40s the one thing that I find about the Christian life is the lack of people who would talk to you honestly about the questions of life and Christian living. There are not many people who will listen to your issues of the meaning of life and the things that don't add up, about the tension and discrepancy, about the practicality of Christian living, and openly share their own struggles and conclusions. Maybe because many themselves are struggling with those issues and still are. May be because they just don't have an answer and don't know what to say. They therefore give standard regurgitated answers. That is what makes Christianity boring and irrelevant.

You know what? It's ok even if there are no answers, to ponder about those difficult questions of life because it is when we come through those questioning times and still conclude that we will trust in Him regardless, that faith really comes to play. It is those type of bare bone sharing and transparency that makes it easier for others to join in the journey with us. It's ok that we are in a journey but don't pretend that life is a bed of roses, even as a Christian.

So I have resolved today to listen to those who are struggling in their faith, those who are babes and who are still tossing in the wind and to reason with them why we should still trust in God because there are more reasons to do so than not.

Lord, prepare me...

2011-07-26T21:28:00.002+09:30

This song keeps playing in my head...

Lord prepare me,
To be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy
Tried and True...

With thanksgiving
I'll be a living sanctuary
For You...

Today, I choose to trust...

2011-07-26T21:01:00.002+09:30

In my few minutes of peace in the toilet today, I reflected on where I am today and instantly I was brought back to when I was a teenager of about 18 years of age. When I came to a point in my life when the pressures of this world became overwhelming and becoming a successful person in this world weighed heavily on my shoulders. In my world and my mind then, success was measured in how well one performs in life; how much money one is able to command, how comfortable one is and how good one looks etc. It was obvious that if I wanted these things, I have to earn it myself or go and get them myself. I had to have qualifications and have qualities that attract employers who will then remunerate me. My love for God and spirituality was not going to give me those things, or so I thought. Hence I made the decision to put my head down and learn the ways of this world, so that I may succeed in this world or at least get enough income to give me some pleasures in life.

This meant Godly things had to take second place. And in my mind then, to put God in second place is just as good as being a non-believer. So I walked away from my faith, called myself an agnostic and steered myself away from getting involved in Church and church activities. What took me away was the lack of faith that God will provide for my needs if I trusted in Him and followed my heart and did what I loved. That maybe I did not have to do it on my own. I loved the ways of God, and love being in that safe bubble. If I had believed that it wasn't a bubble but a reality, life would have taken quite a different turn for me.

Today, I felt like I was at that place again where I have the choice to trust God or to run with my own steam. That I could trust in Him to provide, to rest and abide in Him; doing what He's asking me to do without having to run around like a chook with its head cut off to ensure I have enough to pay my bills (and believe me, they are huge). And today, I choose to stay in the presence of my Almighty God and to trust that He will provide; that I do not have to control my own destiny - I just have to listen to what He's telling me today, and to obey Him.

Here I am, Lord

2011-07-26T10:16:00.000+09:30

So, here I am Lord, a willing servant today. What is it that you would like me to do or not do today? What is it that you want to tell me today that I should be hearing less the noise of this world drowns it? I want to be transformed by you and it starts here, today.

Hearing God

2011-07-25T19:05:00.000+09:30

There are doctrines out there that says that God doesn't reveal and speak to us like He did with Moses and prophets anymore. They say that He now only speaks to us through the written word of God. All prophets who profess to be a prophet is a false prophet regardless. I can't understand why people would say that. The write well thought out arguments for their beliefs but you know what, I am still not convinced that God does not speak to us through prophets, gifts of knowledge, dreams and visions etc anymore.

To me, knowing God and having fresh revelations everyday is the reason for my trust in Him. Without that relationship, it is but religion. Being a Christian would mean nothing more than attending church, singing some songs, reading the bible and staying away from trouble. BORING. Christianity is much much more than that. Those are only the tip of the iceberg stuff. If one thinks that's all Christians should aspire to be and do, then that's all one will ever experience.

As for me, I hunger for His presence and for Him to speak to me. I want to be like Moses who spoke to God face to face. The bible says Moses was the most humble person on earth alive! (Nums 12:3) and he doesn't even have to decipher any dreams and visions and receive revelations in bits and pieces. God spoke to him clearly the bible says.

I don't know about you, that sounds much more interesting than reading a manual and not driving the car.

Why I need to blog

2011-07-22T01:58:00.000+09:30

I was looking forward to this morning bible study - I must admit, not so much for the study but to meet and catch-up with the people in church.

I wanted to catch up with Shirley to talk about my thoughts on volunteering in the Community Support Agency at church. I want to help expand the service and bring in some grants to service some programs etc... wanted her opinion on who is the best person to talk to about that. But, she as busy organizing and preparing for the bible study. Then came in Noreen. I wanted to talk to her about what a great job her husband was doing at our house and about anything but she too got caught up with preparing for the meeting. Then Sharon came in and she asked me how things are with me... I started sharing a bit and we got interrupted by Noreen asking us to sign Karen's 50th birthday card and if we would like to put in $5 for Karen's layby bike. Then Kylie entered. We started getting tea and chatted about what I did during the school holidays etc. We proceeded to the table to talk and we were on a very interesting topic about the church she attended last Sunday... and we got interrupted by this card round again - the parcel came to be signed... so I started on that and Annemarie arrived. She started another conversation about her struggles etc. We were going to get into it when we were interrupted to break up into groups for the study. I explained that I might have to leave early if I receive a phone call from our Westpac assessor. Next thing was, my husband rang to say he's feeling sick and needed to be picked up from work. So I left bible study even before it started! I can't stand it that I no longer can finish a conversation without being interrupted. That we do not have a lot of time to talk with one another, more importantly, to listen to one another properly without being interrupted.

So what is it about our lives that we lead so busy lives and are so used to not finishing our conversation that we don't see anything wrong interrupting conversations??!

The Biggest Challenge in My Life - dealing with the need for Financial Stability

2011-07-22T01:08:00.003+09:30

Once again, I am at the cross roads of trusting in God wholeheartedly or choosing to manage it my way. My way is to seek financial stability so that I do not have to worry about that aspect of life. My way is to seek ways that will bring in a good sum of income so I don't have to worry about finances - ie. a place of financial independence. But the bible says "do not worry about anything but in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God". It takes a whole different slant to life. Financial Independence means I no longer have a financial concern or need. I am self-sufficient. I think God never wants us to be in a place where we are self-sufficient. He made men speak in many languages because of that very reason - that men became to think that he can be self-sufficient. That they forget the source giver of the things they have.

Having worried about finances for the last few years, I am now handing the reign to God and I will now trust Him to provide for me. And when I say, trust, I mean, really... we have a house construction happening and I need to pay builders, tradesmen, plumbers etc. we have a pretty huge mortgage to pay etc. So, at the end of the day, if God were to take these away, so be it - His grace will be sufficient for me. I have to learn to believe that in my heart, wholeheartedly.

If I am a wholehearted Christian, then I might as well come to terms with the fact that I will continually have a financial need but I am not to worry about this need - that my God will provide for the finances I require. That I will continually have a need to clothe myself, my children, have food for the table, have a shelter over my head, have enough to give away, have enough to use for God's kingdom, have enough to pay the people I hire, have enough to pay the people I owe... and to also know that I don't have to worry about how I am going to meet these needs.

When I say to not worry, I don't mean to be irresponsible. I mean, to not be excessive about how much time I put into gaining income - ie. not to have my main focus in life on meeting my financial needs - because this can be very debilitating for me. As an ex-accountant, I can be very detailed in how I manage my finances, and this can be very time consuming so much so that it'll take up all my life! So for me, I have to let go of some of these detailed managing of our personal finances and it means that I am giving up some control over it. It frees me up to do other things in life like spend time with friends, children, husband, cooking, get involve in my community etc. But I'd have to give up the nitty gritty stuff about finances. So, some level of financial irresponsibility is necessary for me. For others, this is not financial irresponsibility, it's just ignorance and perhaps for me, ignorance is bliss in this case! (I don't always think ignorance is bliss and good but in this circumstance, I believe, if it gives a more balance lifestyle, yes). So, I need to shed off some financial responsibility. And I think, over the years, I have done that and at times, this means some financial hick-ups for us. My initial response had been :oh,if only I had been more..." but you know what? If I had been doing more in my finances... I would be doing less in other areas of my life... so I need to be okay with the hick-ups that happens because I have finite resources. And, having dealt with that, I am now okay with that.

I need to trust that God will provide but I also need to know what He is calling me to do. Having been so focused on finances, knowing what He wants me to do with my gifts and talents is now my dilemma. It now frees me up to rediscover my passion in life again. To do things like volunteer my service to my local community and to see lives change. To help others with the same problems I have/had. To bring healing and hope to wounded souls because that's what Jesus came and died for and commissioned me to do.

Feels good to be back on track again!

My family - some Background

2011-07-03T14:18:00.010+09:30

I am a from a family of 4. There are two girls and two boys. My sister, the eldest in the family is 8 yrs older than I. Then my two brothers, 7 yrs older and 5yrs respectively. I'm the youngest. But, I also have a half sister who is 7 yrs younger than me.

It's weird that there's 5 of us and yet I often feel like an only child. We are not close to each other, and I don't have much memories of doing much with them.

In our adulthood, my sisters and I have connected a little more out of life's necessities and age does seem to close the older you get. When I say due to life's necessities, I mean my sister has had to be inter-dependent on each other as we got older. The relationship with my younger sister is more a healthier one - not out of need or dependency so much but from a platonic gravitation towards each other. Perhaps that we're both more of the same wavelength helps.

Of my 2 brothers, my second brother is the one I get along better. He's always been the one that would make an effort to play with me when I was younger or seem to have more time to listen. He's more emotionally connected. He's a slow and steady worker and his career success itself is an awesome life success story which I might get to one day.

I was born in a little port town called Port Klang, an hour south of Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. I studied my first 5 yrs in Malaysia, then the rest of my schooling life was completed in Singapore. In a miraculous way, I came to Australia in 1991 to study my tertiary education. In 1994, I got married to an Australian. I've basically left home since I was 19, lived in a different country and embraced the Australian culture.

The embracing of the Australian culture was not difficult in my case for many reasons I will explain in later posts. I felt like an open slate, waiting to absorb a culture that made sense and had more logic. In doing so, I took a large diversion path from the way of life and culture my family and friends in Singapore were living.

Hence begun a journey I am now on. I am currently struggling with that wedge of difference between me and my family members. The differences in views, perspectives, likes and dislikes... but still they are my family - that blood is thicker than water is true in the Asian culture but also complicates life and the cause of a lot of heartache.

I shall stop here for now as I have limited myself to time spent on blogging.

Spiritual Discernment

2011-07-03T00:33:00.003+09:30

My struggle with Spiritual Discernment is not so much with the obvious sins. It's more about the choices that are available that does not have right or wrong to them. Should there even be a need for spiritual discernment in these things? I guess, at times like these, I cling on to the advice that if you don't hear anything either way, then just keep doing the last thing God told you to do.

Am I hearing the Lord say anything to me today? If not, then keep doing the same thing. If so, then be ready to change.

I have a few thoughts in my mind right now about what the Lord might be saying to me but I really need spiritual discernment whether it is God or is it me.

So Lord, I ask, please make it clear to me that I may know in my spirit that it is you.

The weeds are choking me...

2011-07-02T23:50:00.005+09:30

The parable about the sower who sowed seeds that fell on 4 different medium - some fell on the wayside (on the road, I guess) and got eaten by the birds; some fell on stony ground and it grew but did not have strong roots and died eventually; some fell amongst the weed and got choked by the weeds and some fell on good soil and became good.

Sometimes I feel like the seed amongst the weeds. These weeds are towering and pressing. They seem to grow overnight and they grow very fast. It overshadows and overtakes quickly with no warning... before I know it, the weeds are in my space, my life and binding me.

How did it happen so quickly?

Time to weed out these pesksy things in my life. Time to identify the weeds from the plants. Those that need nurturing and those that need pulling out from the root.

Ok... so what would the weeds be in my life right now? The construction work that's stalled and going nowhere due to lack of funds. The uncertainty and tossing in the wind attitude about my work - swaying between making money and making disciples; between raising my children with scrutiny and with blinkers on...

The stress and pressures of life can so easily take our focus away and dim our perspective of the real world - our spirituality and spiritual eternal life.

My prayer today is that the Lord gives me spiritual discernment to identify the weeds. The Lord himself pulls out those weeds. The Lord gives me strength to grow in His purposes and to carry out His will. The Lord gives me His wisdom.

"Lord, I need you. Without you nothing seems to give satisfaction. I struggle to know and discern when things are of you and when things are of my own finite analysis and perception. I struggle to know when it is your voice I hear. So Lord give me spiritual discernment so that I can choose rightly."

2010-05-08T14:42:00.004+09:30

Life seems to fall apart when I seem to lose focus on why I'm here on earth. Discontent or fear creeps in. Then I discover once again that I can't really do life on my own and that this life is not mine to live. That I have a purpose to fulfil and until I get back on track again, those feelings will stay. Life just gets more complicated and more difficult as we grow older. There's no doubt about that. Sure, we got more experienced and skilled but that's because if we don't learn how to cope then we will surely go insane. But that's only good until the next hurdle comes along.

With each hurdle that comes my way, it almost usually hits like a crisis. I start to panic first, then I spend many hours thinking about the problem and I spend hours looking for answers to the problem. Then I come to the conclusion that I'll have to let go and let God because I can't handle it on my own anymore.

With the cycle repeating itself, you'd think that I'd eventually learn my lesson, don't you? But somehow, it seems to re-occur again from time to time. Hopefully, the reoccurences will be lessening.

Then there's the dying to self bit that's part of the whole meaning of life. I suppose, with leaving things in God's hands also comes "what is God asking me to do?". That means, I'll have to listen/hear from God. To hear God, I need to have a heart that's synchronised with His. I need to die to that part of me that only self gratifies. If I don't wish to do that, then I can't call myself a Christian... a Christian is one who follows Christ. A follower follows and I can't go off doing my own things. Individualilty and uniqueness is bliblical but being alone and doing the Christian walk alone is not. We are each accountable to God, but we are called to live in unity with Him.

Unity with Him and with others... well, that's harder in practice than it is typing! I'd better work on my humility first... so I can submit myself to the one above me and to my peers or to other believers. So... that's where I am at the moment - working on my humility, servanthood and submission. What does that look like? What does the bible say it looks like? A broken and contrite heart to start off with would help. Psalms 51 says my heart is depraved and a broken and contrite heart is the sacrifice He requires. Well, once you realised how deprave your heart is, humility is not difficult, is it?

Anyway, what do I need to change now that I "see" my true colours? What's my true colours, btw??? I leave here pondering on exactly just that.

The Joy Luck Club

2009-10-13T00:55:00.002+09:30

Every time after my mum and I disagrees or argues, I think about the movie ‘The Joy Luck Club’. I’m not sure why the movie makers called it that but I gather it’s got to do with some direct translation of some Chinese saying.

How the movie relates to me though is the wedge in the relationships between the mothers and the daughters in the movie. Like the movie, the wedge is the different lifestyle, culture and country they each spent their youth to adult life in. But the wedge is also the similarity in the patterns of choices they each make – like mother, like daughter, there’s a same thread in the choices they make, although in different scenarios.

I broke away from my mother’s patterns of behaviour early enough in my life. Thanks to a crisis, I now have a life I’m proud to say, is a product of my own choices and responses. But, it didn’t come till I was in my early thirties though.

Last December, we asked my mum if she could come live with us for a while to help look after our newborn baby. She said yes. I wasn’t sure how long she would stay for this time because efforts in the past to make her honour her 3 -6 months visit were unsuccessful. The last two times she’s visited, her stays were cut short. Twice it was a result of an argument between her and myself.

This time, many arguments happened but she stayed despite many times threatening to leave. This time, my weapon is my newborn baby girl, Ella. She’s the reason why mum stayed longer than 3 months. She’s the source of happiness for mum, who made that very clear. It is not me. I on the other hand, is like a stranger to her, she claims. She doesn’t ask to spend time with me but she expects me to do that. She has lots of expectations which she doesn’t speak about until we have a blown up argument over something small. She pants it all up and then, like a bottle of coca-cola shaken up, she spills it all out. I on the other hand, am too busy to stop to talk to her or to be creative in engaging her. I already have to be creative in engaging my 5 year old, my 9month old, and my clients. I don’t need really want to have to parent my parent either, if that is to put it bluntly.

This year, my sister’s daughter also came to live with us to study in Australia. My mum pampers her, much to my disagreement. She claims I’m jealous and I should let her show her love to her grand daughter if she wishes. That’s alright if mum doesn’t live under the same roof. But pampering a grand daughter who lives under the same roof means she’s going to undermine my niece’s character growth and maturity. So there goes another wedge driven into our already fragile relationship. The relationship that is only held together by my baby daughter, so it seems.

Mum claims I am a horrible person – that I’m not a nice person. When my niece said this evening that she thinks I’m a nice person, that I’m patient and kind, mum said, that’s the first she’s heard. She claims that others do not know me like she does. That others have not seen the other side of me. My niece has seen the other side of me. Who I am at home is who I am with others. I don’t always have to assert myself with others as I have to with mum because I don’t find myself clashing with someone’s thought processes as much as I do mum’s. She doesn’t give me credit where credit is due. She hates my guts, my confidence, my assertiveness, my voice – the voice she never had.

When will we ever see eye to eye? When will mum ever credit me for who I am? When will she agrees with me like my friends agree with me? Isn’t that what every daughter wants from her mother? Sure, when I was a child, nurturing and security was what I needed and she was the best with that. She took me everywhere I wanted, gave me almost everything I wanted within her abilities and budget. She did everything for me and I never had to lift a finger at home. She still does all the housework except that I am no longer a little child needing only to be fed and to be fussed around. Without that, we don’t have a relationship. We don’t look at the world the same way. We have different parenting styles. We have very different outlook on life. We are like chalk and cheese.

But mum will never have her own home where she can do what she likes. Unlike many older people I know who have their own abode to do whatever old people like, mum will never have that priviledge to. I wish I could give her a house she could call her own and she could live on her own but the closest she will have is a granny flat down stairs our house in the Gold Coast. I will have to try and not say much about what she does with that space there and I will. But till then, we have to share this little 3 bedroom house with her and my niece… and it’s hard when mum stashes away incredible amount of junk I would normally throw in the bin.

I know mum is still unhappy with me for throwing out her stashes of tissue paper or kitchen towels that she claims she wants to reuse for cleaning the floor because they are not very dirty, the sauce in the fridge that was almost 2 months old (that still tasted good) and a whole bunch of things I've told her to stop doing. Hence here I am writing this long block to process it all while the rest of the household sleeps...

Investing in Education

2009-03-10T00:50:00.007+09:30

The one thing my dad never failed to get through to us children, is that education is an investment. I grew up hearing that all my life. Hence he poured money into our education and as I grew older, I poured money into educating myself. But an investment means it must give returns. And normally, the world views return in monetary form, at least in economics anyway. So, if I don't use my education to bring income, then it's considered a waste - it is a useless investment. That's how my mind thought for many years. And economics also thought me about opportunity loss - the forgone opportunity when one resource is used in another way. So the guilt of calculated monetary loss became the source of my motivation and decisions for many many years. Sure economics also brushed on intangible assets and intangible opportunity loss but it was all very airy fairy so not much attention was given to it.

But, there is more to education than monetary returns and it is still a good investment even if it is not income producing. The socialisation and institutionalisation of education helps to integrate a person into a culture and society, bringing a sense of belonging and identity. Even if the person becomes a full-time mum at some later stage, that cultural impartation is important for institutionalising future generation. Education has given me the words to speak and the tools to understand this world I live in.

I'm sure my dad saw investment only as monetary and social status but that doesn't matter now. The main thing is, I'm glad for the education I've received and the education I've put myself through. I'm thankful for dad's grounding eventhough it may have been from a skewed motivation. I'm writing this because once upon a time, I looked at dad's intention as self-serving because in the chinese culture, investment to him means us children have to return the responsibility of looking after our parents in their old age. Not that I have an issue with that but I have an issue with the self-serving part!

Anyway, I can now truly say, whatever dad's intentions were, it does not matter because it has served me well too - both monetary and non-monetary wise.

Self-employed or be employed?

2009-03-06T09:38:00.013+09:30

I must admit blogging took a grip of me at one stage and I was aware that I was spending too much time on it. So I took the cold turkey approach and stopped completely. But I've always loved to journal and knew that someday, I'll return.

Now almost 2 years after my last blog and another kid later, I'm hoping to venture a lasting return to blogging.

I just read my last posting and thought... wow, I don't think I can live that out. Somewhere in between then and now, we've increased our mortgage and had another child. What is more important now is to spend more time with my children and work from home if I can. And counselling from home is a bit tricky...

With another child in tow, I'm finding it increasing difficult to return to work for an employer. Not because there's no job, nor is it because I can't find a suitable job. I just don't think I'll be happy even if it's what I love doing, and, eventhough I have the help of my mum who has offered her her availability indefinitely for this first year. Maybe it's that streak in me that doesn't like to be bossed around. And there's an element of that if I'm an employee whatever level I'm on. If I work my way up to the top, I'm still a puppet to someone who is waiting on me to deliver their profits or their commitments to another source of stakeholder.

If I work for myself I don't have the responsibility of meeting someone else's agenda... I do not have an agency contract... yes, it's coming back to me now what I learnt in my Economics and Accounting degrees. I can do my own thing, work when I want to and take a holiday whenever I wish to. I can do things my way and not have to follow someone else's. However, I don't earn any income if I don't work.

On the other hand, working as an employee in an organization not controlled by myself means I get a constant stable wage and a few other incentive perks. The trade off is a stipulated leave entitlement, contractual fixed income and having less autonomy than working for myself.

I still like working for myself. I guess I value freedom more than I value security. But I've also come to be aware that if I go too much with my whims and fancy when it comes to work, I won't go too far. That if I don't have the 'stayability' in the one thing I'm doing and be consistent, I will grow old and not achieve much.

Hence it's my next dilemma - what do I want to commit my limited time to? I've been thinking:
1) I can do accounting and bookkeeping services
2) I can work on building up my clients in counselling
3) I can become a full-time share trader, and finally
4) I could also do a web business offering my financial organizational skills - mainly cashflow management I'm thinking about.

I would love to someday do something creative like run a restaurant or a boutique selling beautiful things that I like but I'll have to get a loan for that and have an initial capital. That's not possible at the moment coz of we've got huge mortgages now. I'm not hugely creative but I do have creative flair that seems to come in spurts... strange.

Lastly, do I need to work? Can't I just not think of work and just look after the children full-time 24x7? Well, no. Firstly, we can't afford for me not to pull my weight in the finances due to our huge mortgage and secondly, it'll drive me insane. We could sell our properties but I think we're at the peak of our income earning years and I would not feel totally comfortable foregoing those opportunities.

Well, that's where I am right now in my life. I want to work for myself and not be employed. I want flexibility and I need to be consistent and committed to one thing and build it to something substantial. I believe I need to give it at least 5-10 years to build it.

A Holistic Living

2007-08-27T23:00:00.000+09:30

I was thinking of calling this post 'A Spiritual Crisis' but when I thought it through (in the shower), I realised that it's not only a spiritual crisis, because the spiritual aspect has a flow-on effect on the physical and emotional well-being.

My spiritual crisis is the tension I am feeling with letting-go of my reigns. Letting go of my control over things. I would love to follow my heart and leave accounting TOTALLY but I may be holding on to a very fine thread-it's probably all the security I need but nonetheless, a security in every way. It's still not letting God full reign to do it His way. Perhaps, to put it in some context, it's like when someone distorts a truth and claims, "it's a version of the truth". Truths have no versions. God in control has no other versions besides Him in the driver seat and me in the passenger seat... not my hands on the gears, or my foot on the brakes... anyway, you get the gist.

It's doing what I can do, to the best of my ability, without the worries. That sounds like a great deal but why is it so hard to do? Worrying is such a gravitational force that if left alone will leave us going round and round the centripetal force - a bit like a rat on a treadmill. It must take another greater force to change the tangent of the action. Therefore it must take work and effort on my part to not let worry spin me into a ball.

That will in turn leave me with more to give my family, myself and for others, both with my time, my emotions and my physical energy.

Role Modelling

2007-08-27T00:30:00.000+09:30

There's been quite a bit written recently about masculinity reconstruction - ie. Men have to learn to be more emotionally attuned, more connected with their children, be around physically more than their fathers, who were too busy to be involved, showed no emotions and when they did, was usually anger and spoke more criticisms than it was worth. So, due to the lack of good role modelling, men are struggling to define their role.

As a woman, I find that it's not only a phenomenon with the men. I can think of the many areas I feel inadequate about because of my lack of role modelling in my life. I can say this now with the knowledge that the inadequacies I often feel stems from that. I too have to reconstruct my feminity and my role in society.

Mum was great in as much as she could possibly be. But having been an orphan whose adopted parents died by the time she turned 8, and living with relatives who ill-treated her, mum had no role model herself. She didn't know how to socialise, she has a low self-esteem of herself, she was never one to be in the limelight for anything. She still thinks lowly of herself - not in a healthy way but in an unhealthy way. Whilst I consider her a matyr, she sees it as something she does because she has no choice. And that's probably true. She becomes a matyr because that's the only way she could find significance because she doesn't think she is worth anything else to anyone. How tragic. The more tragic thing is, that thought is now so ingrained that it's almost impossible for her to change without much pain. Pain I'm not sure I want to be the one inflicting.

Anyway, back to role reconstruction... isn't that something all of us struggle with? Maybe there might be some very blessed ones out there who had great role models. I tend to meet lots without, male or female.

My kind of Music

2007-08-25T23:05:00.000+09:30

There are times when I wish I had grown up more emersed in the music of my teenage era - the 80's music. It's always when we're at Karaoke functions. But even now, I don't go seeking those music to listen to when I want to relax or unwind. I go to Josh Groban. I could have his same DVD playing in the background the whole day while I work at home.

When I was growing up, I stayed away from the pop and rock music coz anything that wasn't christian music had the potential to be satanic. That was the emphasis in church youth programs then. Not sure if they still do that now in christian youth programs. I suppose I've now learnt to discern not to throw the baby out with the bath water. Anyway, I never had any close affinity to any pop/rock singers, music or bands. Whilst I wasn't totally shielded from it, I know very few songs from the 80's and wouldn't have a clue who sang them even if they sounded familiar.

Now in my thirties, I still only have a handful of pop singers and songs that I like. I seem to have skipped the whole pop scene and gone straight to contemporary classical - if that's what you call someone like Josh Groban, Russell Watson & Bocelli.

My current favourite is Josh Groban. He just captivates me with his voice, the passion in his face when he sings, his ability to play different musical instruments well. Maybe I'm just not musical and when I see someone as talented as that, it just makes my jaw drop. Plus, he's easy on the eyes.

I just played his DVD, "Live at the Greek" for my visitors (who are into music) today. I was surprised they've never heard of him but they are in the late 50's or early 60's and he is in his 20's! They were just as impressed at what he does.

I enjoyed Awake just as much as his other earlier albums and I would love to hear him write and sing a piece of music that has much impact as the acclaimed 'You Raise Me Up' in his next album.

I Hate Accounting

2007-08-21T20:59:00.000+09:30

I really do. I hate accounting. I'm keeping my one client because it's a good source of income but I absolutely hate the stress of checking figures and having to be pudentic about everything (so picky - eeks!) - I hate being paranoid about things. Is it just me or are all accountants like me - paranoid people? People that like to be in-control. It's so opposite from my other career - counselling.

My latter career tries to heal a person from being a perfectionist and my former career creates a perfectionist!!! No wonder I've been so stressed lately. The tension within me is slowly taking the toil on me and I'm going to have to choose one or the other or risk having a multiple personality disorder!

But giving up my accounting client means I'll have to work full-time as a counsellor to make up for the income loss and put my son in childcare full-time. That's the other tension. I don't really want to have my son in a daycare 5 days a week but I don't really know what to do with my time with him either when I've got him at home. I really do feel really guilty about putting him in full-time care. On the other hand, I don't really know how to fill my time with him and also feel guilty about not keeping him occupied enough. What should I do with a 3 year old day in and day out besides playing with the same toys, watching the same programs and going to the same shops???

Now, know what I mean about becoming a perfectionist?! Someone please help me with ideas on what to do with a 3 year old in a country town where nothing much happens. Lots of outdoors but I'm not a big outdoor person. I could stay indoor (not necessary at home) the whole day and for weeks and months and it would not bother me.

1-2-3 Magic

2007-08-21T20:39:00.001+09:30

Well, I am impressed. It has worked. I think what I like about the method is that it's very easy to use and has only very few pointers to remember. The main pointers were - No Talk, No Emotion. Give 3 warnings for them to self-regulate their behaviour and to accept that they have to stop a bad behaviour, then follow through with a consequence after the count of 3 (with about 5 seconds in between each count of bad behaviour). Punishment must not be hitting, spanking and have no yelling. Just very matter-of-factly deliver a punishment without any emotions (anger, frustrations, yelling etc) after the count of 3 (with time given for child to stop behaviour and self-regulate). Isn't that easy? Then as time goes, parent lessen the counting and increase ignoring behaviours that are not big issues (referred to as Big Rocks) in the family.

Well, I must say, I left very beaten up about my parenting abilities and am feeling very much in-control and empowered now. So thanks to 1-2-3 Magic!

I think what works about the method is its simplicity. The other thing is being focussed on parenting. When I'm at a loss, I call on the methodology of 1-2-3 magic and I have a focal point for my parenting and it helps. I helps that I am not fumbling and tearing my hair out. It helps that my son knows who is in-charge. The best part is, there's no threat, no fear invoked, no physical abuse inflicted on the child.

I just don't agree about canning. I'm sorry that Christians interprete the bible verse "Spare the rod and spoil the child" literally. That is so wrong. People think they are doing the child a favour by spanking them. Often, it's because they are at a loss as to how to discpline their child as well as it's the only method they know from past experience.

Wealthy Christians - is that contradictory to being a Christian?

2007-08-19T01:11:00.000+09:30

So I say I am a Christian. What does that mean to me? It's one of those things that mean different things to different people. Some call themselves a Christian because their parents are Christians. Some believe they are Christians by virtue that they go to church. Others call themselves Christians because they had a spiritual awakening of some sort to the salvation offered through Jesus Christ and attend church to meet other Christians who share this encounter.

I am a Christian because I have had one of those spiritual awakening experience. Still, the notion of what does being a Christian mean differ amongst those that have made that spiritual response to commit their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ and there are vast differences in what we believe. I am specifically talking about the issue of wealth creation here.

Some believe that Christians should be as poor as a church mouse as they live a non-materialistic life wanting of nothing but the basic needs to live and to share the gospel. Others believe they should be wealthy and in positions of influence so that they can make a difference, help the poor and further the gospel with their wealth and influence. The first category believe they live by faith and wait for God to provide - however that may be. The second category believe that they live by faith believing that God will provide for the poor and under-priviledge through them.

So, is it presumptuos to believe that God would want to use us to provide for the poor and under-priviledge? Does not the birds and the flowers in the field that Jesus described not an analogy for all Christians that we should not worry about what we should wear and what tomorrow will bring? So why should we worry about the providing for the poor and under-priviledge? How will God provide for these people if not for other people providing for them? If Christians don't provide for them, will non-Christians?

Much as I believe in God as a miracle maker, I have always seen him at work through people and the existing things around me. I have never seen things falling of the sky like the Isrealites did with their manna. I have never seen things appear from thin air. I have never experienced a miracle of that sort. But I have experienced miracles in many ways. Things happening that would have been more than mere coincidences. Things that in my mind would have been impossible, became possible. Things that I cannot explain except know that God holds all things in His hands.

So will God need me to bring about His miracles. He probably doesn't. But, would He use me to bring about His miracles if it was available to be used. I would think so. God wastes nothing. Would the lack of available resources mean God will be resourceless and His works and plans impeded? I don't think so, because He is the best steward there is in the entire universe. Let's not forget, He's also all-knowing unlike us. So with perfect knowledge, He could do what no one else can ever do, make the perfect plan, yet use us, and all our available resources. So should we worry about being wealthy - no. But should we desire to be wealthy - why not? Should we lose sleep over our wealth - no coz we were told not to worry about things but to trust the Lord in all circumstances. But should we dream and think about wealth - why not?

Where was I?

2007-08-16T22:30:00.001+09:30

Wow... it's been a very long time. So long that I had forgotten how to post a blog and even forgotten my password! Took me quite a while fumbling around trying to even get my URL.

I'm blogging because I'm in a hotel room all on my own in Darwin, 3-4 hours drive away (depending on how fast you drive and how many cars are on the road) from my husband and son. I had to do a training in 123-Magic in Darwin today and had to stay 2 nights in a hotel coz I wasn't game to drive myself up just in case I fell asleep on the wheel, which I had done once a couple of years ago. Thankfully there were no cars on the road I was driving on. The next coach back is tomorrow morning.

Believe it or not, it's my first time leaving my son behind. That brought up a lot of my past experiences as a child. As a child I used to suffer great separation anxiety when mum went away. Not that she went away a lot but I remembered those times well. I remembered crying myself to sleep and praying every night that she will return. I remembered the separation itself was a traumatic time for me. I didn't want my son to experience the same things I did. I dreaded the separation for weeks coming into it. I would have cancelled the trip if it wasn't for the topic of the course - 123 Magic - a course to train trainers how to discipline a child without spanking, yelling and threats!

I knew it was going to benefit me as well as my career if I did the course considering it was being paid for by my employer. It was hard to tear apart from my child for 2 nights but I knew it was going to empower me to be a better mum and for me to help empower other mums.

Maybe given the surrounding context, I am feeling a bit vulnerable and a low about myself. My husband says I'm normally a confident person and everyone feels like that every now and again. I did feel better to think that what I'm feeling is normal and it did diffuse the blues.

I am now looking forward to my trip back to my family and implementing the 123 Magic. Hopefully it will be magic. I think I was the only one that sounded really apprehensive about the course - only because until I see the results for myself, I ain't raving on about it yet. I must admit id did sound very psychologically sound and right though. A lot more meat than the 123-Magic book itself presents.

Till my next... whenever that's going to be!

Catching Up with the Wireless

2006-07-28T21:57:00.000+09:30

Well, you might be thinking why I've been out of blogosphere for soooo long. While doing my tax return a couple of weeks ago, I decided that I should get a bit more techno savy with my systems at home. Up until now, I've been operating on a PC which is 3 years old and the speed, or rather the lack of it, was driving me crazy. I've been thinking for a long time to get myself a new laptop as my work computer and get a home network going. Then I also find my memory is failing me especially after having a child. So I've decided on getting myself a PDA, after all these years of relying only on Microsoft Outlook. The only problem is, I'm no IT geek. I only have a wishlist with a budget and there are no shops here I can walk into and ask informative questions.

So, I've been literally spending days and nights reading up on wireless technology, what is WIFI, how to set it up, what I need etc. Then I have to shop for them online. Reading all the specs on the different models and brands was more tiring than reading tax laws.

So, after all that work, I would like to share what I've decided to buy. If you've got any comments or experience with any of the items, please let me know your comments coz I would appreciate them.

1. PDA - Palm LifeDrive Manager
2. ACER Travelmate 5614 (17in screen for my movie buff husband for when we travel and all other features for my Accounting work & home office)
3. Dynalink DI-624S Wireless Router
4. Maxtor 300GB external Hard Drive for my back-ups

So, any comments?

The Woodcutter's Wisdom

2006-07-23T00:37:00.000+09:30

Here's a great story that puts perspective on life's twists and turns:

As Max Lacado said, "I pray that it will remind you, as it did me, that patience is the greater courage."

Story:
Once there was an old man who lived in a tiny village. Although poor, he was envied by all, for he owned a beautiful white horse. Even the king coveted his treasure. A horse like this had never been seen before—such was its splendor, its majesty, its strength.People offered fabulous prices for the steed, but the old man always refused. "This horse is not a horse to me," he would tell them. "It is a person. How could you sell a person? He is a friend, not a possession. How could you sell a friend?" The man was poor and the temptation was great. But he never sold the horse.

One morning he found that the horse was not in the stable. All the village came to see him. "You old fool," they scoffed, "we told you that someone would steal your horse. We warned you that you would be robbed. You are so poor. How could you ever hope to protect such a valuable animal? It would have been better to have sold him. You could have gotten whatever price you wanted. No amount would have been too high. Now the horse is gone, and you’ve been cursed with misfortune."The old man responded, "Don’t speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. If I’ve been cursed or not, how can you know? How can you judge?"The people contested, "Don’t make us out to be fools! We may not be philosophers, but great philosophy is not needed. The simple fact that your horse is gone is a curse."The old man spoke again. "All I know is that the stable is empty, and the horse is gone. The rest I don’t know. Whether it be a curse or a blessing, I can’t say. All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?"The people of the village laughed. They thought that the man was crazy. They had always thought he was fool; if he wasn’t, he would have sold the horse and lived off the money. But instead, he was a poor woodcutter, an old man still cutting firewood and dragging it out of the forest and selling it. He lived hand to mouth in the misery of poverty. Now he had proven that he was, indeed, a fool.

After fifteen days, the horse returned. He hadn’t been stolen; he had run away into the forest. Not only had he returned, he had brought a dozen wild horses with him. Once again the village people gathered around the woodcutter and spoke. "Old man, you were right and we were wrong. What we thought was a curse was a blessing. Please forgive us."The man responded, "Once again, you go too far. Say only that the horse is back. State only that a dozen horses returned with him, but don’t judge. How do you know if this is a blessing or not? You see only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? You read only one page of a book. Can you judge the whole book? You read only one word of a phrase. Can you understand the entire phrase?"Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! Don’t say that this is a blessing. No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don’t.""Maybe the old man is right," they said to one another. So they said little. But down deep, they knew he was wrong. They knew it was a blessing. Twelve wild horses had returned with one horse. With a little bit of work, the animals could be broken and trained and sold for much money.

The old man had a son, an only son. The young man began to break the wild horses. After a few days, he fell from one of the horses and broke both legs. Once again the villagers gathered around the old man and cast their judgements."You were right," they said. "You proved you were right. The dozen horses were not a blessing. They were a curse. Your only son has broken his legs, and now in your old age you have no one to help you. Now you are poorer than ever."The old man spoke again. "You people are obsessed with judging. Don’t go so far. Say only that my son broke his legs. Who knows if it is a blessing or a curse? No one knows. We only have a fragment. Life comes in fragments."

It so happened that a few weeks later the country engaged in war against a neighboring country. All the young men of the village were required to join the army. Only the son of the old man was excluded, because he was injured. Once again the people gathered around the old man, crying and screaming because their sons had been taken. There was little chance that they would return. The enemy was strong, and the war would be a losing struggle. They would never see their sons again."You were right, old man," they wept. "God knows you were right. This proves it. Yours son’s accident was a blessing. His legs may be broken, but at least he is with you. Our sons are gone forever."The old man spoke again. "It is impossible to talk with you. You always draw conclusions. No one knows. Say only this: Your sons had to go to war, and mine did not. No one knows if it is a blessing or a curse. No one is wise enough to know. Only God knows."

Max Lucado's words:
The old man was right. We only have a fragment. Life’s mishaps and horrors are only a page out of a grand book. We must be slow about drawing conclusions. We must reserve judgement on life’s storms until we know the whole story.I don’t know where the woodcutter learned his patience. Perhaps from another woodcutter in Galilee. For it was the Carpenter who said it best:"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." He should know. He is the author of our story. And he has already written the final chapter.

Got this whole article from here.

I hope it's ministered to your soul as it did mine!

I Repent

2006-07-13T21:47:00.000+09:30

I'm glad I'm saved by grace and not by works. I'm glad my salvation is secure in Christ despite the number of times I have to repent in a day. I'm glad it's in the repentance that I am saved, and not in my own perfection for if my salvation had depended on my ability to not be faulted, then I might as well give up on my salvation.

If I were to have my thoughts of today played on the big screen for all to see and if every sinful thought carried a penalty, I might as well be jailed for life. Not that I thought of committing big crimes but the number of small thoughts and acts that were of my sinful selfish motivations and human nature would have added up without me even realising the sins I've been committing.

So, thank you Jesus for the free gift of salvation. I repent of my inability to keep a straight clean record. Your righteousness is beyond me, for I am born a sinner. I am righteous only by your death and resurrection, and the blood you shed for me. Just help me to be a better person for your name sake and for the reputation of your kingdom! Thank you that I've got you. How do people do life without you? What a burden they would carry! Thank you for delivering me from that burden. I love you.

About The Purpose Of Life

2006-07-11T00:14:00.000+09:30

In my previous post on Being and Loving by Horner, Richard suggested I read a book called Leisure: The Basis of Culture. As usual, I started writing up a comment that went longer than my post itself, so I thought, why don't I make it a post instead since I haven't written a post for a week!

I am an advocate of leisure. In fact, I try to get people to slow down a bit to listen to themselves and their motivations. I myself try to practise it as much as I can. Every now and again, the frantic rat and the treadmill effect kinda slides in but overall, I think I'm at a better place now than before with controlling the treadmill and making it work for me rather than I work for it.

I don't always say it in many words but try to live by example and sometimes when I see people get into mini-crisis because of their own choices, I try and explain to them that we need to listen to what our hearts are saying and make a conscious choice to heed it. I don't always get a light bulb effect but that's okay. We are all at different places in our lives and some are just not ready to listen.

I believe God speaks and guides us in our purpose on earth through our hearts and we need to listen to what our hearts are saying. But, of course, sometimes the devil tries to speak to us too and confuses us. Ever asked, Is it God or is it just me? It's a matter of practice when it comes to listening to God. The more we do it, the more accurate we get at it. That was the advise I got when I asked the same question a few years ago.

I also believe that the devil tries to distract us from our true purpose through the busyness of life and making us think we've got to have it all and do it all. (Read: Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Destiny by Norvel Hayes)

Whenever I contemplate going back to full-time work, be it for myself or for someone else, I know this just isn't the right timing but still the human nature in me just wants to ensure a safer future, and to know that I still got what it takes to succeed in the business world. The need to feel secure, isn't that a huge driving force of why we do the things we do. If we knew for sure that we will be just fine, would we still strive as hard?

So I reckon, it's knowing our purpose in life that's important to how we make our decisions and to be able to stand by faith on that knowledge during testing times. To me, that's living by faith.

How did I get to this topic from that passing comment of Richard, I don't know. I suppose I acknowledge the need for time-outs, for contemplation, for listening to our hearts and following our hearts. The need to stand firm on what we've heard and not be swayed by temptations and distractions to take us from that path; the need for me to put away all subtle ways of putting my feet on both the present and the future so much so that I stress myself to the limits in trying to achieve both, thus being double minded. The bible says in James 1:5-8, a double minded man is unstable in all his ways, swayed by the waves in the sea, is neither here nor there, and will not achieve or receive anything.

I suppose, I'm reminding myself that God has put in my custody, a child that needs to be nurtured in all areas of his life and the importance of his early childhood days for him to reach his fullest potential in his future developments. I am afterall, a Princess of God, a Wife, a Mother, a Daughter, and an Accountant/a Counsellor and a Sister to the body of Christ - all in that order of priority. I wear different hats at different times but when I am faced with conflicting demands, my priority checklist comes in. And now I have to return to wearing my Accountant hat because hubs and son are asleep and I've got my tax return to do!

Being & Loving by Horner

2006-06-28T09:10:00.000+09:30

I received a book I ordered yesterday in the mail which I paid about $60.00 for. Expecting it to be like a textbook material kinda book, I was surprised when the parcel came in and it was only just under 1cm thick. Nonetheless, I have been waiting for this particular book eargerly and stayed up till 4.15am last night reading this book.

So, yes, the title is Being & Loving by Althea J Horner. Anyway, the author basically said that often people do one of these 3 things:

1. They find themselves loving and working hard at keeping their relationships that they lose their own identity in the whole process.

2. They find themselves at risk of losing their own identity when trying to love others that they eventually resent the partner for being over-controlling (eventhough that's only their perception) and they find themselves trapped.

3. They find themselves in a state of ambivalent that they cannot go either way - that is, to have their own identity or to love freely that they find themselves utterly disappointed with the partner and trapped in their own ambivalence.

All three states are no good. (Horner, page 3)

Horner said the reason for such inner turmoil and conflicts are due to the first three years of a child's development and this point was substantiated by the attachment, separation and individuation theory of development of which she quoted a few. In the first 5-6months, the baby has to learn attachment to a primary giver to learn basic trust. Then from 6-16months, they learn separation and individuation. If all this process and stages takes place successfully, the child will have intrinsic basic trust in loving people and also a strong sense of self.

Without that taking place, the child will find themselves in one of the above situation when they become an adult.

So what do you think about that?

I've yet to finish the book and might do another follow-up post on it but I'll stop here since I think this is enough for a start.

Hong Kong Disneyland

2006-06-24T16:36:00.000+09:30

A few months ago, my high tech friend Jaywalk told me I could do a video blog by uploading my video clips on this site. So I thought I give it a try.

Here's a video of the fireworks at the Hong Kong Disneyland. If I'm not wrong, they do this every night as their closing parade. I thought it was pretty impressive. Not as impressive as the Sydney New Year's Eve Fireworks but pretty good for something that's done on a daily basis.

View video here

I heard a lot of ill report of the Hong Kong Disneyland but mostly 3rd hand stories. One was that many of the people that go to Hong Kong Disneyland are from China and the Chinese do not know how to give each other personal space in queues (in general, that is) so that makes the whole experience very unpleasant especially when the queues are terribly long. The other was the place is not very hygienic because they (the Chinese) spit a lot. There was also complaints that it was too small and therefore not worth going.

Well, I actually had quite a good time there and didn't experience any of the problems others had encountered. The queues weren't too long - with the exception of checking in at the Hollywood hotel. I had to queue for almost 45 minutes just to get checked in. Maybe it wasn't quite peak period yet when we went. I found on the contrary, the place very clean. Almost like a cleaner was trailing behind us to pick after us everywhere we went.

The only other complaint I have is again with the hotel. On the website, it was stated that the rate of the hotel included all mini-bar, but when we got there, it was an EMPTY fridge.

The queing problem I did encounter, but not at Disney. It was at the airport. We went to the airport well before the counters were opened for checking in. So we were the first in the queue. We left a 1m space between the counter and us for thoroughfare. 1 minute before the counters were opened, a busload of Chinese tourists came along and helped themselves to the space in front of us. I was flabbergasted! Anyway, I was thankful it didn't happen again. The ugly side of me would have probably surfaced.

I also uploaded some pictures but while uploading I decided to surf the net as well and for some reason lost the page altogether so maybe another time....

Second Round of World Cup

2006-06-23T22:15:00.000+09:30

As we woke ourselves up at what I call an unearthly hour (4.30am) and sat through a gruelling match against Croatia, I questioned why I put myself through all that. Why do we purposely subject ourselves to pain and agony just to feel the exhilaration at winning a game? The game was crucial for the World Cup yes, but it is definitely NOT crucial to life.

So forgive me Socceroos and all Socceroos' fans, but I half hoped that we will lose so that all this late nights and early morning wakings would end now and life will revert to some sort of normality for us. Now we have to go through another round of it all. I think my heart (and my body) is not that strong to sit through the second round.

Then again, this is one aspect of living life to the fullest. Perhaps this is what it means to stop and smell the roses and to seize the day?

Yum Cha Tea Ritual

2006-06-21T23:34:00.000+09:30

Since coming back from our holidays I've been find it hard to find time to blog. Why so busy? I notice something is different. Can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe my husband and I have been spending more time together since we got back because that's what we did for 3weeks. We seem to have bonded a little closer in the 3 weeks, and the holiday's got us into a routine of spending quality time together as we found a new interest in tea ritual. What's that? Here's a picture of our tea set bought from Hong Kong and my current favourite tea - Blossom Jasmine (picture above).

The Blossom Jasmine (or the Snowball Jasmine) is Oolong tea intricately woven into a ball with Jasmine and Crysanthemum in the centre. The ball then opens up into a flower in the teapot as seen above. Not only is it pretty, but it is also a very nice sweet smelling tea. Definitely by far, my favourite tea.

Below is the tea set we bought from Lama Island in Hong Kong from Chin Yip Tea Shop. A shop that's just newly opened and owned by 2 young brothers. We just wanted to experience 'Yum Cha' when we went in and the whole experience was so pleasant we bought a set home. Lama Island is a quaint little island about half an hour from Central HK by Ferry and there are no cars in Lama Island. One third of the population of about 5000 are expatriats so in a middle of a very chinese row of shops along the jetti, you get a very English pub. There is also a great variety of restaurants from Seafood to Thai and Indian food in that same row.

We've been doing a bit of Yum Cha since we got home. That means less time for blogging since work and other household administrative stuff still have to be done. I wish there were more time in a day, and I've got more energy to last longer than 18 hours a day. Imagine if we don't have to sleep, wouldn't we get a lot more time at hand?

There is a lot I'd like to write about but I don't have the time and energy lately to enter into any deep and meaningful at length. So till the next hopefully interesting post!

Goose Bumps

2006-06-19T01:31:00.000+09:30

I can't believe it, I'm actually getting goose bumps as I listen to the Aussie National Athem being sung as the game begins against Brazil! I'm actually feeling excited to watch this game.

All the best Socceroos!!!

Australians, Men and Sports

2006-06-18T20:30:00.000+09:30

Well, it's Soccer Mania here in Australia. Usually it's Cricket, Rugby Union, Rugby League, Aussie Rules, Tennis, Swimming, the Commonwealth Games, Tour de France and the Olympics that Australians are crazy about. Soccer isn't the favourite sport in Australia until this year when we got in the Finals after 32 years. For that reason, my husband says, it's bigger than the Olympics!

For tonight's game against Brazil at 1.30am our opposition leader even went as far as saying employers should allow their employees a late morning to work. So what is it with Sports and Australians, and Men I wonder? If my husband wasn't so into sports, I wouldn't be writing this post today. In fact, I probably wouldn't be following the Soccer World Cup, Cricket or any sports for that matter except for Tennis which I enjoy playing.

Have you also noticed how in social settings, the men and women instantly break up into 2 separate groups - the men's group and the women's group? It's such a classic scenario here in Australia that I used to think the Australian men have serious social problems. Now I think it's
a universal problem!!! Is that true?

Well, now that I'm on the topic of men, may I also air my thoughts on how men are not generally good listeners and hate confrontations. Maybe that's got some correlation with the love for sports... any comments?

I'm Back!

2006-06-16T00:02:00.000+09:30

Well, hubs, bubs and I had been on our 3 weeks holiday to Singapore and Hong Kong and got back last week but mentally, I have just returned to blogosphere after having to plunge myself into a backlog of work, cleaning and getting connected again with my network of friends here.

In between all that last week, there was also the excitement of Australia beating Japan 3-1 (should have been 3-0 if the fault was picked up by the referee!!!) in the World Cup Soccer in Germany. Normally, I'm not into sports but Australia hasn't made it to the finals in the Soccer World Cup since 32 years ago so it's a big thing. More a nationalistic thing than the love of the sport, really. The 3 goals that Australia managed to get in the last 7 minutes of the game was just grinding but brilliant to watch. What a sentiment it created for the whole week and we're still talking about it!

Then my son went to childcare for just one day this week for the first time so that was another big emotional event. I was really anxious the night before and the whole day while he was in childcare. I even stayed and watch him from a "hidden" room for about an hour before I finally left him with the capable carers. Ended up, he was just fine after the first hour. Ate all his lunch, didn't nap, socialised well, played well, gave the carers lots of smiles and laughs, and was following instructions when I arrived to pick him up! He went so well, I decided to put him in childcare for two days a week starting next week! I'm so proud of him!

I haven't forgotten the holidays. We had so much fun. It really brought out the good in all of us but it was also very tiring thus the need to sleep a few days after we returned! We ate and walked heaps but we must have eaten more than we walked because I still gained a few kilos! I will have to have a post or two on the holidays.

Well, that's all for now. I thought I start with something small to get the momentum back!

The Light Of The World

2006-05-16T20:30:00.000+09:30

Following my previous post, I just wanted to talk a little bit about this passage (Matt 5:13-16). I would have found the verse myself, but it was late and I just wanted to jot down my thoughts quickly, so thanks to Richard for telling me what the reference is for my previous post!

I know some people would interprete the verse to say that we as Christians must be responsible for our behaviour or be a stumbling block to others or worse, risk losing our salvation if we don't exhibit characters that shine for God. What I find with a lot Christians is that the emphasis on striving for holiness and what's right is heavier than the emphasis on why we became Christians in the first place.

Granted there are a lot of reasons why different people call themselves Christians. Some think because they are born in a Christian family, they are Christians. Others think because the country they live in has a Christian heritage, that makes them a Christian. And some others think because they are living a Christian lifestyle (going to church, praying, doing good works) they are a Christian. To me, a Christian is one who seeks to know the Lord in an intimate way. One who strives to have a genuine authentic relationship with the Lord. One that bears his soul to the Lord. And through that relationship, a transformation takes place and a person is changed inside out, not outside in. To me, The Light Of The World shines from within and throughout. As Nicky Gumble (Alpha Speaker) said something to this effect, "going to church doesn't make you a christian, just as going to McDonald's doesn't make one a hamburger". The Light of the World shines because he or she has met with God and has experienced the overwhelming grace of God.

Sometimes that transformation takes a long time for some because of the harsh background that they come from. That transformation is corelated with how easily that person can come into a genuine authentic relationship with God. We live in such a broken world, that type of relationship does not come naturally for most people. It takes healing and inner change and growth for an individual to come to that place of relationship.

So to me, that Light is not about works or doing good but it's about the conditions of our souls/hearts. To me, the salt in the verse (Matt 5:13) is the passion in our hearts for that restoration of a beautiful relationship with God. A soul without that passion or fire is as good as dead. The good works is an end result of that intimate relationship with God that others cannot help but see because light cannot be hidden no matter how you try.

We are a moral agent because we have the law of God written in our hearts (Romans 2:14-16)) and both Christians and Non-Christians have that, but doing right and being good in itself doesn't necessarily restore our relationship with our Father in Heaven and neither does it free us from the bondages of sin.

There's no denying that we are a moral agent, we are created by God in His image and God is a moral agent, but does that mean that we should not integrate psychology which has its origins in humanistic views in our spiritual pursuits? This will have to be my next serious post...

"We Are A Moral Agent" - So What Does That Mean?

2006-05-11T14:54:00.000+09:30

The surmon on Sunday was given by an elder and he spoke on "If a salt has lost it's saltiness, what good is it? Might as well throw it away" (Mum2One's paraphrased version of Matthew chapter 5, verse... can't remember). Our senior pastors are away for a few weeks. It was the first week I sat down and listened to almost the whole surmon without getting interrupted since I become a mum! Sometimes I think, it doesn't make any difference, because I get more frustrated by the sweeping statements and ignorance of the preacher.

I think the surmon was supposed to get everyone to return to their conscience and to start being accountable for our actions. It's supposed to make us get back on holiness and on the things of God. Sadly, for me, it came across as being critical of Psychology with sweeping accusations of what Psychology does and he seemed to have lost sight that whilst God has the highest standard when it comes to morality, NONE of us are spared of the ugliness of sin. That sinful nature shows up in our behaviour and character and our thoughts. Now, if we dismiss psychology, which is the study of the mind, or the soul (for those of us who believe in souls and that the soul and the mind are intertwined) then we dismiss the fall of Man, we do not understand human nature, and we are not able to accept who we really are, our curse and the process of sanctification.

Sure, conversion is instantaneously but sanctification is a lifelong process. If we interprete that verse according to how moral we are, then I think lots of us will be in the rubbish bin, discarded and unuseable. But if sanctification is a lifelong process, then surely some of us are more salty than others depending on how long we've started that process. I guess if I have to interprete that verse according to how it was preached today, I would say that even the most reduced salt agent cannot be discarded because he/she still bears some, even if very little, saltiness.

I find myself disagreeing with a many preachings. It's not that I don't agree that we should reflect on our 'lack-of's', strive for godliness and Christlike characters but more so with their lack of cohesiveness in their argument with reality and relevance. I'm learning not to react too much after hearing preachings like that but I need to blog this out so it's out of my system.

I hope I'm making sense because it's past midnight. I'm probably suffering from incohesiveness myself!!!

My Creative Side

2006-05-07T23:10:00.000+09:30

Today I decided to spend some time beautifying myself. I took out all my nail care product and gave myself a manicure. I'm so glad I did because I had so much fun and rediscovered the reason to why I did a nail technology course. I kind of lost interest in the nail care side of things since my son was born. My nail care prior to today only involved clipping all my nails short every couple of weeks. No filing, hand massage, soaking in softener, pushing back and trimming the cuticles, buffing and putting on nail polish. Doing the works was very relaxing.

I must be coping better with motherhood now because last week, I suddenly got this urge to do a bit of decoration around the house. I've been wanting to make my son's room a bit more colourful and turn it into a room he can play as well as sleep in but the motivation to getting round to it was a bit lacking. And I finally got sick of having work papers mingling amongst my personal paperwork and decided to turn the guest room into my office.

I went down to the one and only furniture store in town and paid through the nose for an office chair with arm support and I also bought a rug (kid's size only because I wanted to be able to move it easily to still clean the floor without more work) in this sudden burst of change. It was only later that I thought perhaps I should have done the shopping online to save a bit but then I would have had to wait at least 2 weeks before I got what I wanted right away. All enthusiasm would have probably simmered by then! So much for retail therapy online! I must say, this is a real bummer about living here.

Anyway, I thought I show/share what I've done! I was going to critique on the surmon today about being a moral agent but just had to get this out of my system first before I went on to something more serious... hehehe.

Can Social Democracy Stand The Test of Time?

2006-04-29T16:20:00.000+09:30

Since last Monday, my broadband has been down following cyclone Monica. The router between us and Darwin is apparently broken down and will take more than a week to fix. So I signed up for dial-up as my back-up only to find the phone lines were working intermittently only.

It has been very frustrating because I have been in a middle of a very interesting discussion at a fellow good friend and blogger’s site, Jaywalk, on the topic of Singapore’s political system as the country faces its next election. And because I only have very limited access to internet for the past week, I have been more preoccupied with the discussions happening there when I can get access to the net. (BTW, thanks Jay for the stimulation that I get from your site.)

What started the discussion was a TV forum the Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew (LKY) had with the Singapore’s young adults of today. They did not experience the hard slog of the country from the time LKY won the Singapore’s first election after the colonial hand over, and the effort it took to make Singapore the prosperous, modern city it is today in South East Asia. I read somewhere today (in an older version of the Lonely Planet at the library) and it says the young generation of today wants more than financial stability and brains, it wants a HEART. I thought, that really sums up what I feel is lacking in the Singapore political system.

My thoughts have been: Can a socialistic democratic country like Singapore who sacrifices the individual right for the betterment of the collective good, be better than the democratic society where individual rights are upheld and protected but the country faces other hairy problems related to the freedom of speech? When one compares the safety and stability of Singapore to countries like the US, UK and other western countries, human nature’s basic need for security would make the Singapore style of governance quite attractive at first glance. But could the country sustain that over time when the individual’s rights to freedom of speech and choice that is outside of the government’s values and beliefs are impinged upon, and the individual feels oppressed and suppressed?

One thing that came up in the discussion very profusely is that the Singapore government is not loosening their rein on the freedom of speech because the citizens are not yet matured enough to be accountable for such freedom and therefore cannot have true democracy. Whether the country is ready for true democracy is determined by the government who will know when the time is right for the people of Singapore to experience true democracy. Will that ever happen, given most of the oppositions were almost always accused of defamation and sued to oblivion? And why are the rights of the individual citizens relinquished to the goverment in a theoretically democratic country who goes through the process of election and all? Doesn't that give the government all the more right to exercise further control and perpetuate the lack of freedom of individual? Is that an example of an over protective parent who refuses to cut lose the apron’s string and continues to control the child well into his adulthood giving him no chance to learn to stand up on his own two feet, thus going through life with a lack of confidence to be an adult in his own right?

Don’t get me wrong, I think Singapore has benefited a lot from the PAP’s rule and LKY has done a lot of good for the country since its independence 40 years ago, compared to it’s counterparts in Asia. Many people from western cultures love to visit the country because it is a safe, clean city with modern infrastructure. I just wonder what will happen going forward because a country is dynamic and society changes. The needs of a society will change and will Singaporeans remain happy and content with economic prosperity and stability for the sacrifice of the loss of individual and minority rights should the current political ground remains status quo?

It’ll be interesting to see if the majority of Singaporean starts stepping outside its comfort zone and start taking risks to see what is available outside the rule of the PAP. It may amount to nothing and worse still costs the country the loss of their current great economic status or it might amount to a discovery of an identity they never thought they were capable of. I think, that will be when the country truly grows up as a society in its own right, when it can make decisions and choices without clinging on to its past clutches and baggages.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a writing with a political agenda to influence, criticise or defame the current government of Singapore in any shape or form. What has been written here cannot be used as reference or to back-up any other views or arguments in any other discussions other than within the comments in this personal post. It is an imperfect individual blogger’s view and thoughts, and is personal. As to the reliability of this writing, it is the readers’ responsibility to find that out for themselves the truth or falsity regarding what's written. The author takes no responsibility to any incorrectly stated fact as it is the author’s impression and thoughts of the topic only.

All discussions following this post are merely personal chats only and cannot be used for any cause or referencing. All comments does not bear any political agenda and cannot be used for any political agendas.

Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep

2006-04-26T12:41:00.000+09:30

I saw on the news last week about the change from Baa Baa Black Sheep to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep . I copied this extract below:

" Nursery school bosses ordered the words of the rhyme Baa Baa Black Sheep to be altered to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep. The change was made to avoid offending children after teachers examined the nursery's equal opportunities policy. Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Sure Start Centre in Oxford, could not explain why children might be offended. But he said: "No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else. "We've taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do. "This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules." "

I think this is political correctness taken too far. I'm asian and I don't mind if people use terms like nip, slanty eyes or ching chong if they're using them in jest. I think, what matters more is the context of which they are used. If they are being used in a discriminatory context out of pure prejudice then I would be offended but if they are used because it sounds funny and the person is bringing across a point, then I won't get offended.

For minority groups to feel offended because the word "black" is used when black can also refer to a colour (black sheep do exist!) is taking their right too far. But I think it's not the black people that are upset but rather brainless people interpreting the anti-discriminatory law in a literal manner rather than "in the spirit of the law".

How ludricrous! It's a perfect example of an under-developed logical depth in the issue and theory of ethics!

Anyone care to reason with me?

Cyclone Monica Part II

2006-04-23T23:16:00.000+09:30

See where the eye of the cyclone is? We are just about 3cm below the eye. We've been officially been cleared of getting hit by the Australian Biggest Cyclone ever with winds at 350-400km/hr. There were rumours that this was going to be called a category 6 (no such thing at the moment), because this category 5 is so huge.

There's still heavy rain and strong winds, as we are still getting the outskirts of the cyclone. It's now expected to go westwards and Darwin is now the next on watch. Glad to be home rather than the hospital!

THANK GOD that we were protected from the eye or even the inner core of the Monica would have been pretty deadly. As we experienced the inner core of Ingrid (category 4) last year, there were more damage done to the town.

All in all, it's not nice to be at the mercy of something so huge and destructive, but God is in control of even cyclone Monica, what a relief!

Nature or Nurture?

2006-04-21T22:33:00.000+09:30

Well, apparently cyclone Monica isn't coming till Sunday afternoon now. Since I've spent the last couple of days frantically preparing for her to hit us Saturday morning, I guess I can sit back and just wait her arrival now.

So, on a lighter note, I have been doing some comparison between girls and boys ever since my son came along.

Seriously, although everyone says my boy is such a good boy, how he's so good natured and beautiful, when it's just between the two of us, he can be very rough. He pulls my hair, climbs all over me, loves jumping on me and bouncing off me and goes absolutely crazy. I must admit sometimes I would wonder if this child has got ADHD but when I compare him with other boys, he is pretty normal and even err on the gentler side. He can sit still and 'read' (he loves flipping through books) a book and he explores his surrounding while the other boys around him are busy making the other children cry. Mind you, he can also give as good as he gets (hair pulling and pinching) when he's in the mood. So compared to other boys, he's normal. But compared to girls, he's a handful and very physical.

I've also noticed how he loves cars and would skip the soft toys in the toy shop. Now I've never given him a car toy until he could say the word car. But I've given him lots of soft toys as a baby. It really puzzles me. There was once there was a girl (a couple of years older than my boy though) in the same toy shop and the contrast couldn't be sharper. She was going to a soft toy, saying "aaaawww... how cute" and my son was banging away at all the cars he could see in sight! Maybe it's the age difference as well. I'm not sure. I'm still observing but at the moment I'm inclined towards the view that some behaviours are definitely testerone induced!

Men and women are biologically different not only in the physical sense but in the chemical sense as well. Men are wired differently from women. Thus, may be, James Dobson's book, Bringing Up Boys need a closer look. Apparently it's written with that view that God has made boys to operate differently and therefore needs to be nurtured with a different mindset rather than boys and girls are born asexual and are nurtured to become boys or girls. (The books is finally on it's way here in the next bookshop order by my church).

I used to think the differences between men and women were more factors of nurture than nature. But I'm beginning to change my views.

What's your view?

Cyclone Monica

2006-04-19T22:31:00.000+09:30

Cyclone Monica is coming our way. We are being warned to be prepared for a cyclone in the next 48-72 hours. I heard at the playground today a mum mentioned that the barge that brings our twice a week supply of grocery has been told to turn back due to the cyclone. So, I can imagine the supermarket shelves depleted tomorrow when I get there in the afternoon as I have to facilitate a mother's group in the morning. Hmmm... maybe I should try and get there before the group meeting but that would mean waking up at an unearthly hour to get Ky ready.

Then there's the probability that the power will be off again for days due to cyclone damages so I'd better also go get a generator so this time we can keep the fridges running. Maybe I should also consider buying a clothes dryer (it usually pours for days after a cyclone) and stock up on the batteries and candles... what else should I do? Oh yes, get some important papers together so if we have to evacuate to the hospital for cyclone shelter, and if we do come home to a wreck, I have my insurance papers and passports, etc. Hmmm... I'd better back-up my hard drive too.

Anything else I should do?

Best Husband Award

2006-04-19T22:15:00.001+09:30

I have to acknowledge the great support and effort my husband has given me over the 4 day-long weekend. I already appreciate his support with the housework and with parenting our son. I think he's a great dad and husband but this weekend, I thought he deserved an oscar awards like the one Mother-Superior's husband got for her from the States.

As I was pretty runned down by the end of last week, I told hubs that I needed him to do the waking up during the night over the 4 day-long weekend since he wasn't going to work. Hopefully Ky would get back to sleeping longer as well without the breastfeeds.

Not only did he wake up all throughout the night for the whole 4 nights, he let me sleep in and took Ky out as much as he could to give me a break! At a garden party we went to on Sunday night, he watched Ky the whole time while I sat and chatted with the ladies the whole night. By the end of the long weekend, I felt soooo much better and more energised and Ky was starting to sleep better.

How's that for a wonderful father and husband! I feel really bad though when hubs came down with a cough and cold at his first day back at work! :o(

3 Parenting Styles - Which Are You?

2006-04-14T23:01:00.000+09:30

I've just been to a Tapas party hosted by the most amazing host. She has 2 children under the age of two and she still manages to cook for a party of 12!

Anyway, we got talking about how challenging parenting is and how her almost 2 year old is behaving these days. We discussed about what we should do with children's misbehaviours, their tantrums, their challenging and trying behaviours. For some reason, that made me feel better. It made me realise that I have found parenting particularly difficult the last week because I have not been able to look after myself first. Often I know the right parenting thing to do but circumstances around me make me vulnerable to making the wrong choices. When I don't look after myself first, all my control buttons seem to pop up with a "PUSH ME" sign and Ky invariably pushes it like a toy!

I have been a bit runned-down from a cough I developed over the last week. So between waking up to tend to Ky and having bouts of uncontrollable coughs, I would only manage to catch less than 4 hours of sleep each night. And with work deadlines and other tasks that are pilling up to be done, I have found myself a bit short tempered, not being able to see past the circumstances lately. I know that if I don't want my behaviour to have long term effects on Ky, I will have to just look after myself first so I can create the nurturing environment that he needs. So, my immediate tasks is to get more sleep - by hook or by crook so I can think and parent better!

There are basically 3 types of parenting styles:

1) Authoritarian

2) Permissive

3) Affirmative (A balanced combination of the two above).

I was curious what I would come under although I already knew that I would like to come under the third category so I did a test online. I was pleased to find that I had come under the Affirmative parent.

Yet, I find keeping that balance the hardest task as a parent. It is quite easy to resort to either bribery (chocolate/toys/sweets etc) or threat (spanking etc) - whichever works to give you that minute break from all the whining and tantrums. It's a big price for some short-term peace and quiet. It's a short-term measure with long term repurcussions that may lead to future extreme behaviours like disrespect for authority, rebellion, workaholic, alcoholic, perfectionistic, neurotic or narcissistic and etc.

Balanced Parenting is a 24x7 challenge, but let us help each other to provide a positive nurturing environment that is conducive for our children's healthy holistic growth!

Lesson in Haircut

2006-04-11T23:22:00.000+09:30

I finally finished my monthly deadline for my client and thought I make a short post of my boy today. I wish we could post movie clips as well on blogs because I have a good one of him and his playmate (3 weeks apart) dancing away to the tune of the 'Entertainer'. Till then, this will suffice for now.

T
This is a picture of my boy before I decided to spruce up his hair with gel. I intended the spiky look. When I found that his hair was too heavy because it was too long, I decided to get the clippers out. Well, no. 4 would be a good length I thought. Alas, it was not a normal setting clippers. For some reason, it has 8 settings and the no. 4 turned out to look like this....

Well, it's now too short to be spiked up. I'm glad nonetheless that he still looks as adorable as ever! He looks a lot more grown up with that hair cut, don't you think?

STRENGTH

2006-04-08T11:57:00.000+09:30

Following from my last post, the legacy I would like to leave behind for my future generation is STRENGTH. I think it encompasses a whole lot of other character traits. Traits which makes a person able to withstand the problems and issues surrounding them and under all circumstances, be able to stand firm on his beliefs and values that will help him be successful in achieving his purpose in life.

I suppose my blogs and whatever other memoirs I may leave behind may be sources of strength for my future generation. A source that will hopefully point to the true source of strength, our Lord Jesus Christ.

Strength to lead, strength to stand firm in times of persecution, strength to choose the right from wrong, strength to love, strength to submit to one another, strength to be who they are born to be. Strength against condemnations, against the decaying morality of this world, against the counterfiet analgesics of this world - the relief of pain from drug and alcohol abuse and other debilitating addictions. Strength against the evil temptations of this world - pride, greed and selfishness.

Strength to know that they are free to have everything and be anything when they submit themselves to their Creator and Saviour, the triune God, the Father, the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ.

That's a big task!

Friday comes, Friday goes

2006-04-06T22:37:00.000+09:30

I'm feeling better today until I realised that the week is almost over. If time goes as fast as it does now, very soon I'll be in my 40's and my son would be in school.

Talking about school, I remember when I used to sit in the classroom listening to my teachers. Most of them would probably had been in their early 20's. I used to think how much older they were. Now I'm in my mid-thirties and can't believe how fast each day and week passes by. Apart from the greater knowledge I now possess of life and a greater depth and understanding of the world I live in, I really do not feel like I'm 35. Memories of my teenage days does not seem so far away yet talking to my old friends now is a reality check of how much time has gone by.

I would never have thought that I would have to think about finances, investment, retirement, leaving an inheritance but most of all about leaving a legacy. It's Friday again and it's not going to slow down either.

One theory in developmental studies say that a person is more likely to accept old age when one feels that he or she has left a legacy they can be proud of. I also found out that mid-life crisis does not have to happen to everyone - only those who have trouble accepting the progession in the life-cycle.

If there was just ONE thing you would like to leave behind for the generations to come, what would that be? Time sure isn't slowing down for us...

Tired

2006-04-05T21:45:00.000+09:30

Time flies. I didn't realize I haven't blogged for 5 days! A bulk of my time is used to tend to my son. From the time he wakes till the time he sleeps. The only time I have to myself is when he sleeps - an hour and a half in the afternoon and after 8pm in the night. Sometimes I feel like just going to bed right after myself, but since it's the only time I have to myself, I fight to stay up no matter how little sleep I had the day before. When he doesn't sleep in the afternoon and wakes up every 3 hours in the night, I feel like I'm at breaking point. This week has been a bit like that.

So I haven't had much inspiration to write. I've just been enjoying reading my friends' blogs which is great at times like this. Jay-walk's blog has made me laugh a lot - thank you! Jomel's has ministered to my soul - thank you. Mother-Superior's has made me thankful I don't have to raise my child in Singapore's education system - I take my hat-off to you! I usually don't have lots of time to read a lot of blogs so I keep it to just a few and it's been worth a read.

Right now, I've got a gastro pain and a very sore throat. I hope it clears by tomorrow. So, I'm just gonna climb into my bed. Nite-nite!

What's your story?

2006-03-31T23:58:00.000+09:30

I learnt that everyone of us has an important story to tell. Not just the best sellers, but normal people like you and me. That story makes us who we are and why we think and react the way we do. There's a therapy called Narrative Therapy where one's history is told or written, and from there a consciousness of what was lacking in the person's history is inventoried. The author then re-authors his life as he faces the future with the consciousness he now has of his past.

If you were to re-write your history, what would you have changed? How would you have liked to have related with the significant people in your life? How would you have handled the different difficult issues and people in your life? What would you have to unload moving forward? Tough questions, that require tough answers.

On the other note, when you meet people, remember that they have a story themselves. There's no right or wrong stories, just stories. Some sad stories, some happy stories, some uplifting stories, some simple day-to-day stories but all of them make them who they are today. Some are more open to telling their stories because they have come to terms with them and know that's not the end of their story yet. But there are some who prefer to hide them because they have problems coming to terms with their story and cannot move forward.

Finally, whether the things that happened to us are a blessing or a curse (for a beautiful story by Max Lucardo, read here) we do not know because our story has not yet ended and we may never know until we see God face to face. We can but make the best of what we know and can change and leave the rest to him, who is the author and finisher of our faith.

Parenting Joy

2006-03-31T15:43:00.000+09:30

I was on my way to the post office and the supermarket for a few things just before lunch today with Ky in his usual car seat going about his usual self, chattering away in gibberish. As I turned into the town carpark, he started throwing what I thought was a tantrum for no rhyme or reason.

I noticed that he's been doing the same thing at the same turn for the past couple of days. I didn't think much of it the first few times it had happened but by today, I was getting a bit puzzled. So I studied him to try and see what he was trying to convey and he seemed to be pointing at the other direction as though to say that I shouldn't have made the turn into the carpark. So I went out of the carpark and went round the same way again. Instead of turning into the carpark this time, I went ahead. Within a few seconds his face lit up and there was a gleeful laughter. I couldn't believe the difference in reaction. As I reached the end of the street and turned right where the pool is, he started pointing to the pool in delight saying, "pool! pool!".

I was dumb founded. My 17 months old baby actually knows the way to the pool! He's been pretty good to ask for things by pointing to me up to this stage. I just didn't expect him to know road directions at this age.

When I finished my errands, I put him back in the carseat (we parked on the pool street instead of the carpark) to come home for his lunch and afternoon nap. He protested again looking earnestly at the pool and calling out, "water! water! pool!". So I made a promise that we will return later after his afternoon nap for a swim. I kept to my promise and he's a happy chappy.

I am glad I took the time to listen to what he's saying. I was surprised by what he could communicate to me and how much he knew. So he continues to surprise me with what he can do each day. The excitement of being a parent!

Sleep Schools

2006-03-31T00:53:00.000+09:30

As to my hopes of getting my boy to sleep through the night... I did some research into control crying and whether I should start trying that out or any other variations of that method (comfort crying etc) for that matter. I stumbled on an article called Commentary: sleep in German infants--the "cult" of independence by Stephan R. Valentin . Pediatrics. Jan 2005 v115 i1 p269(3). It basically says that the control crying or the advocacy of independence in babies or early childhood is a German and Northern Europe thing (and eventually the Western culture took it on as well) where parents fear that the child will grow up not having the skills to be independent to make it in life. In Asian countries like Japan, it's found that the focus is to get the child to be open to people and to be community oriented. So control crying is not even considered.

Well, I can now be at peace with myself when someone asks, "Have you not done control crying?". I don't need to. I don't need to teach my son how to leap before he can walk. All in good time. He will be independent when he's secure and that's what he needs right now-security. With that type of independence (the one that is the result of attachment formed at early childhood), he won't have a problem with interdependency that is an essential ingredient for healthy relationships.

I'm sure control crying is good for mothers who have no choice but to go back to work full-time and to make sure they have a good night sleep because they have to be alert at work the next day. But I can just shuffle my days to suit myself if I've had a bad night, so why bother about control crying or confort crying or whatever?

Sometimes too many advices are given but not knowing the background of those advices may sometimes be bad advice.

Extended Breastfeeding

2006-03-30T20:47:00.000+09:30

Breastfeeding a baby is now a pretty acceptable thing to do. However, breastfeeding a toddler is still taking its time to be trendy. I'm still breastfeeding my 17 month old toddler and on many occassions thougth of weaning him only because it's the acceptable thing to do. I get asked the question of when I'm going to wean him quite a bit. I've only known of 2 other mums who had breastfed their toddlers till 4 years of age. If I'm not wrong, the jewish in the old testament practiced extended breasteeding - 3 years old is the age of weaning - Samuel in the Old Testament was weaned and given to Eli at age 3.

My only problem with extended breastfeeding is the social stigma and the possibility that I mightn't get my beauty sleep back earlier. Abnormal medical conditions not considered, neither of them are for any wholesome benefits. In fact, I found there are more benefits to continue to breastfeed a toddler than not - see http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/breastfeeding/a/bf_toddler.htm . There's the better health aspect, the attachment/security and bonding aspect (the more secure your child feels, the more confident he/she will be as an adult) and the cost aspect (no need to buy milk and bottles).

So I've decided I will continue to breastfeed my boy till he's ready to give it up. I'll just have to start training him that it'll have to be done in private. At the moment, he's still being fed on demand, so that means, anywhere and anytime (yes, he asks for it when I'm queuing up at the checkout if he's upset- lol). I guess that'll have to stop by the time we go on our holidays in May!

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child?

2006-03-28T21:13:00.000+09:30

Well, I thought I'd said my peace yesterday on this topic but it seems not. I had a 14 year old with me today to help me babysit my little one. She loves kids so I've asked her to come play with Ky while I get some work done.

We were cleaning up after lunch where Ky had thrown his food on the floor as usual. The whole food throwing and playing thing is getting better but still food ends up on the floor towards the end of the meal. Earlier, she had seen me telling Ky sternly how I was not happy with him throwing his food on the floor and continuing on with whatever I was doing. During our washing up, she asked, "do you give Ky a smack on the hand at all just to let him know that it's wrong to throw food on the floor?" I said no and explained that I don't think it would make any difference. He's got the point that I wasn't happy. He's not dumb.

She's a really good girl - well mannered, polite and confident. She is the youngest of 4 and following her older siblings do what they do had resulted in her maturing quicker for her age. She cleans and organizes Ky's toys for me when she's here. She's like her mum who keeps her home very neat and tidy. Her parents are school teachers and advocates smacking for discipline. So, why would I not smack my child if this near perfect child is the outcome of being disciplined by the rod?

Well, although she and her eldest brother are the perfect children every household would want in their family, her other 2 siblings are not. The thing is, it's not the rod that is why she has turned out the way she has, it's her personality. Both her and her eldest brother have the same endearing personality that no. 2 and 3 do not and therefore faced the rod a lot more. They have no respect for their parents, rebel and do not have close, open relationships with either of their parents. In fact, no.2 & 3 are oten talked about by their parents as difficult children. So, has the rod helped? I don't think so. I think it's caused more of a wedge than anything.

There are many ways of tackling a problem situation or a problem child. There's distraction for the younger child. Witholding or confiscating their favourite toy, sending the child to a naughty corner or room, tackling the root problem of their bad behaviour are other alternatives rather than resorting to the rod at first instance.

At the end of the day, what parents choose to do is their own business. I don't profess to know what really definitely works and what really doesn't so I don't really want to interfere. Why can't parents just say they don't know rather than try and have one set answer for all parenting solutions? Like my lecturer, Dr Graham Barker, used to say, if you only have a hammer in your hand, everything will start to look like a nail. But if you have more tools in your hands, you can use the appropriate tools for each problem. Knowledge equate to tools.

Parenting

2006-03-27T20:05:00.000+09:30

I realise that parenting styles differ from family to family. Each family does things differently depending on how they were raised themselves and the culture and personality of each parent. What works for one family might not work for another.

Yet, there are so many books on what we should do. I remember when I was bemoaning my lack of sleep when Ky was waking up every 2 hours a friend recommended me a book. It was all about setting a routine for the child, what to do with a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, methods of play, sleep, feed processes to name a few. I didn't read the whole book. In fact, to be truthful, I read the summary at the back page, the blurb about the author and a page of two of the book and left it.

Almost 17 months later, I am still plagued with lack of sleep. He's improved a bit over the 17 months but he goes through patches where he sleeps better than some months. The last few weeks has been tough. He's been waking up every 2-3 hours for a feed! So, back to the literature I went, but this time, I did my own research into studies done rather than take an author's advice.

So I researched about 1) when to wean because I'm beginning to get asked how long I was going to breastfeed for. 2) About sleeping patterns of toddlers because I'm wondering if the breastfeeding does affect his sleep pattern. 3) Developmental theories (Erik Erikson, Jean Piaget, Vygotsky) because my dear boy is still going through the separation anxiety eventhough I thought this should have eased a bit after his first year. 4) Attachment theory (Bowlby's Attachment Theory) - to understand the whole need for emotional security, perceived competence and perceived autonomy in a child's development. 5) About parenting styles and what to avoid because I keep getting advised that one should not "spare the rod and spoil the child". No. 3, 4 and 5 are about parenting sytles.

I have formed my own views about my own dilemma and will share them with you. Perhaps I'll start with no.5 because it's an advice I get from well-meaning christians more than any other. I beg to differ. I don't know what refute to give except that the bible also has a lot of other sayings that may not be taken literally due to differences in time and culture. Symbolisms are often used-in this case, rod=discipline. I agree with discipline, but I disagree with the rod bit taken literally. I think there are many ways of punishment and it is not necessary to use the rod. A frustrated or well-meaning parent or carer resorts to a rod because it's the quickest method that inflicts fear on the child so as to gain power and obedience.

I admit, I smack my son's hands when he defiantly throws his food on the floor but more often than not, out of frustration. Apparently, they all do it because it's a developmental thing. Eventually, they just get over it and stop doing it. So, while I should tell him how I feel about him throwing food on the floor, smacking him will not do more than if I had shown my disapproval through words and tone of voice. In fact, the more I smack, the more he does it because he's learning that he gets a reaction from me. Worse than that, I would hate to send the message that the use of physical power is how one can gain control.

What about a light smack you may ask? My question is, what's the point of it? Like Stephen Covey says, begin with the end in mind. If it is to instill discipline, then there are better and more effective methods. They may be more time consuming to enforce, but let's not abuse the bible verse to give permission to a method that is more a choice of convenience to the parent/carer than a choice based on what's better for the child.

Next... my stand on extended breastfeeding and sleeping methods.

The Seasons of Life

2006-03-26T15:44:00.000+09:30

Nothing goes to waste with God. Just like there are 4 seasons, Autumn, Winter, Spring and Summer in a year, so also things happen in seasons in our lives.

Autumn is where we make an inventory of ourselves and shed the old and unwanted things in our lives.

Winter is where nothing much seems to be happening on the outside but in fact, lots is happening on the inside - strengthening, consolidating of growth and deepening. There is a quiet sense of hope.

Spring is where we see new shoots grow, new things begin to happen and sprout. The signs of life is manifested in the activities and colours in our days. Hope is actualised.

Summer is where things are in full bloom and working at its best capacity. There is a sense of fulfilment and achievement. We reap what we have been sowing the last 3 seasons.

Then the cycle repeats itself, adding richness and depth to our lives with each cycle.

We sow the seeds in our lives by putting in effort towards a future goal. We water them and protect them from dying but it's God grace that ultimately gives the increase because He is ultimately in control of all things. It's the principle of sowing and reaping.

Being the Best You

2006-03-21T21:12:00.000+09:30

Together with my pastor's wife, I'm in the process of co-ordinating a program to be run as part of the first year's high school curriculum. It is called the SHINE program and is pioneered by Hillsong Emerge. It is about helping girls between the age of 12-14 to value themselves, to find the strength within themselves, and to live a life of purpose in the bigger scheme of things. It's about caring for their body (value), mind (strength) and soul (purpose).

It has been a passion of mine to free people to be who the Creator (aka God, Yahweh) had meant for us to be. It's about discovering our innate talents that had been bestowed upon each individual and using those talents to the fullest. It's about being freed of the distractions in this world that is pulling us away from our purpose. Being a woman, it is only natural for me to help other women and future women in this area.

Co-ordinating this program involves the initial selling of the program to the local high school's principal, then getting sponsorships from local businesses to help fund the program, and then the actual running of the program in the schools for a period of 8 weeks where girls get to experience hands-on haircare, nailcare, skincare & make-up, respect & etiquette, hear talks on nutrition, fitness and deportment as ways of valuing themselves and walking tall in their purpose. Unlike other personal hygiene talks or girlie commercial magazines, the emphasis on truths about why we do vain things and why we should take care of ourselves are re-instated throughout the whole course.

Personally, it's going to be so challenging and exciting. I personally cannot wait to actually see this program up and running, and to face the exciting challenges along the way.

I hope that whoever reads this blog will also go away with the truth that you have a purpose in God and to challenge you to find that purpose. There's nothing more exciting than being the best You that you can be!

Fresh Water River Adventure

2006-03-18T20:32:00.001+09:30

Today, we went to a fresh water river and paid $15 for the permit. It had been pouring the whole week, today inclusive but that didn't deter our other outing mates, so off we went armed with their tarpolene as our only shelter from the terrential rain.

Most of the land at the Top End belongs to the aboriginal thus the need for a permit. In fact, most of the town land is leased from the aboriginal so development is limited. Due to this reason, there's an abundance of undeveloped natural beauties untainted by commercialism. The place is looking particularly green because of all the rain we've been getting shown in the light green growth in the picture above. The normally dusty road is settled and muddy instead. It took us an hour and a quarter to get to the spot.

The first thing the guys did was to secure the tarpolene to the car and the trees around us. Just as well because it poured again within 10mins of us arriving.

Ky checked out the termite nest with the other guys. The termite nests here are huge and that's considered smallish.

The guys started up a bonfire using the branches around to cook our lunch. The usual onion, sausages, eggs and steak with bread rolls and salads. I forgot to take a picture of the food - will remember next time.

This is after the rain. Ky just loves water and he can spend hours just playing with puddles. Thank goodness he wasn't also sucking up the water from the puddles today, so I was quite glad to let him be. I wasn't too worried about him getting dirty because we were by the river and it wasn't going to be long before he'll get a swim and a wash...

I love waterfalls. They remind me of my childhood family outings to Malaysia's waterfalls.

Well, that's our day adventure at the river today. It's always so nice to get away. I just wish I am a better packer for occassions like these because I tend to get there and forget half the things we need. Thank goodness we always go in a group! I don't think I would have survived these outback adventures if it wasn't for our outing mates! Must make myself a checklist.

Simplicity and Strength

2006-03-16T13:58:00.000+09:30

The one thing I really like about being in this small town is the simplicity of life. Things don't get very complicated here and there aren't a lot of choices so decisions are straightforward. Like we don't have to think about where to eat out - there are only 2 cafes (one is airconditioned and the other is not), 3 decent restaurants and 4 takeaway joints we can go. Only one butcher, one newsagency and two supermarkets (one is a lot more expensive than the other so that leaves one supermarket to go usually!).

So I find it a lot better and easier to have a set routine everyday of the week. There's a rhythm to my days. I learn to be more creative - in my cooking and in my activities with Ky. I also learn to relate better with people and to build relationships with people without having to go out. Like we will be content visiting each other for coffees and snacks while the kids play in the pool or their slides in the backyard. My husband and I spend a lot more time talking because there's no movies (that's not true, we have video shops and a school hall type theatre) to go to. We don't feel like we're missing out on things because there's nothing much to miss out on here.

We don't have in-laws to help out. However that also means that we don't have the intrusion of in-laws in the way we run our household and inevitably having a significant influence on our child's upbringing. We have to be a self-reliant family unit and to learn to accept support from as well as give support to friends and neighbours. In many ways we miss the support that we could have with family closed-by, but the other side of the coin is that we learn the tools to thrive and succeed without those family supports.

So hopefully we will have under our belt an attitude of simplicity and strength to take with us when we leave go back to huge, busy, bustling Sydney. We would have worked out our strengths and weaknesses as a young family and be better armed. We would have some sort of healthy family structure and firm foundations in place that when distractions come we will be able to draw weapons from the simply way of life to stand strong as a family.

Afterall, how much do we really need in life? Not that we isolate ourselves and be a hermit but there are so much in life that we can do without and still have our happiness intact. It's a matter of perception and attitude.

Learning to Say No

2006-03-13T20:30:00.000+09:30

I read that the 2 year-olds favourite words are 'No' and 'Mine' because that's the age where they are differentiating themselves from the world and from their primary carers to form their own identity. The more they are allowed to say "No', the healthier they will be as adults because they would have formed a healthy sense of self. This so-called "terrible two's" is therefore a necessary evil to becoming a whole and healthy individual.

Have we ever found it difficult to say 'No' to people around us? I was talking to a friend last week who said that she was asked to do something and she said to me, "I realised that I wouldn't have been able to say 'No' even if I couldn't". On a worse note, if someone hurt us, are we able to tell them that they have hurt us and to back off?

Theoretically that means we probably haven't developed a good sense of self so we lack self-respect and we let others trod on us. Sometimes we even justify it by thinking to ourselves that we're being a matyr. Trodden on and disrespected yes, matyrdom no. One who willingly submits oneself for a greater cause - that's matrydom or meekness. One who doesn't have the guts to inforce boundaries and allows things to happen to them because they can't say 'No' - that's no self-respect due to lack of self-esteem.

Which one are you? I admit, I was the latter but now, thank God, majority of the time, I can say 'No' without feeling guilty. If I want to commit an act of kindness or meekness, I am fully aware that I'm loosening my boundaries for a purpose and will adjust my boundaries appropriately. It takes self-awareness and us being truthful to ourselves.

God of Big and Small Things

2006-03-11T13:23:00.000+09:30

I know God comes up a bit in my posts and it's OK if you're a non-believer who finds this worldview irrelevant. The thing is, God is not irrelevant.

Our 4WD wouldn't start on Wednesday night. The way things are in this town, everything is scarce, except for the minerals they are mining up here! So, from getting the car to be towed to the workshop to getting the starter motor replaced was by no means a quick and easy job.

It took us until Friday before we finally found someone to come look at the car, only to be told they are fully booked till April and they don't expect it to be ready at the earliest next Wednesday. Anyway, after giving up on finding an alternative, I gave in and accepted that I won't have a car for almost a week. I was Ok with walking but that means I have to be very organised about my comings and goings. Forgetting something means I would have to allow another 40mins of walking to and fro town. However, it was going to be better for me to give in to the situation then fight it. So, I said to God, "it's in your hands" and mentally prepared myself. I felt at peace about the whole thing knowing that God is in control of the bigger picture whatever the outcome, and I will be OK.

Unexpectedly the next morning, we got a call that our car was ready to be picked up! Now, to me, that's my God looking after me. Some may wish to view this as nothing but good luck. Well, that's a bit too airy fairy for me. What constitutes good luck? Some spiritual force? Some karma? Why is it so hard for us to accept that the God of big things, one who created this universe, is also God of the small things in our lives? This is the same God, Jesus Christ, who died for us because He loved us so. Yet, this is the biggest stumbling block to many of us receiving an inner peace and joy - a stress free life.

Love Thyself Before You Love Your Neighbour

2006-03-08T21:57:00.000+09:30

Do you find it hard to love yourself? If you are a Christian, do you find it hard to love yourself first before the people you are ministering to? Do you feel guilty if you do something for yourself? We are supposed to love our neighbour as we love OURSELVES. The truth is, we cannot really love others if we cannot love ourselves first.

Love requires a person to give fully of himself. If a person does not know their true self, there's nothing to give. Or if one has only part knowledge of oneself, then one can only give part of oneself. To love fully is to give fully, sacrificial love means to lay it all down. If you don't love yourself, how can you lay it all down? If you do not know who you are, how can you claim to give it away?

So, does that then equate to: if you've don't know who you are and you don't love yourself, then what you're giving away is not the real thing? Authenticity. The real thing. Do we give of ourselves out of gaining a benefit so that we feel better about ourselves? Ie. We get busy with ministry and be a philanthropist because it makes us feel better and take the guilt away? We please others because it boosts our self-image and and ease our guilt. We strive to be better because we are not happy in who we are. We please because we want people to like us and accept us. Not because we genuinely just want to bless the person, with no self-gain whatsoever.

That's tricky, isn't it? It's not hard to do it all for the wrong reasons. No one is perfect, so count me in the hypocrisy and self-gain bandwagon. I am working on it. The truth is, no amount of good works will justify us a place in heaven. No amount of striving and slogging in the ministry will make us a better Christian than the Christian who does nothing. We do acts of kindness because we love. We love because God first loved us. We give of ourselves freely because we are free and secure in that unconditional love of God to be who we really are. If we love others, we will also allow them to be who God has made them to be rather than what you'd like them to be.

May we learn to truly love one another, as we learn to truly love ourselves.

International Women's Day

2006-03-08T12:55:00.000+09:30

Today is International Women's Day. I find that particularly comforting to know that women are esteemed. The conflicts that we face as women are incredible and the strength that we show is even more so. What with having to be a nurturer as well as pull our weight with the family finances these days, it's not an easy task balancing the two.

It's easy to concentrate on being a complete nurturer or a complete breadwinner as one's focus would be on the one thing only. But in many cases, women these days have to be both and we have to work out that balance ourselves too. It's not something that our mothers would have to contend with (in most cases again) and so role models in that arena are lacking. Personally, as a stay-home mum who works part-time from home, I find the task of balancing very challenging. Like the lady who was interviewed on Today this morning, I agree that we can't have it all and some things have to give. And, what would that be if we have to choose?

To me, it's postponing the things I would like to achieve as an individual. And, maybe because of the choices I have to make now, my choices ahead of me will be different too and I will have to come to terms with the fact that I might never see some of my dreams come true. We do live in a world with limited resources and we do have to choose and we can't have it all.

The other thing I really like to appreciate about women today is how far we have come along in having a voice, in standing up for ourselves, and in respecting ourselves for who we are. We are not the weaker half, we are the other half, which completes society today. Regardless of our role, whether as a stay home mum or the breadwinner of the family, the two are of equal weight and equal importance. An hour of hosuework at home is equivalent to an hour of meeting with the board of directors of a company. We do not do less, and we do not expect to be treated like our efforts are of a lesser value, time wise. Our input into society today and for the future should be of equal weight. Society has some improvement to do when it comes to that.

Going forward, I believe we have a lot more to work on having the nurturing role shared more equally between the two sexes. Being a nurturer is a 24x7 job, and anything pass the 9-5pm hours should be shared equally, regardless of our sex and whether or not we are a fullt-time contributor to the family finances.

Society is evolving all the time and we have to learn to adapt to change as the theory of the survival of the fittest goes. The roles of women are changing too and I believe the rate depends on how much we women will stand up for ourselves and have a voice for what is appropriate.

To all the women in this world, Happy Women's Day!

God The Puzzle Fixer

2006-03-03T21:08:00.000+09:30

I am amazed at how God pieces fragments of our lives together. How nothing goes to waste and everything has a place in the end. I only see some of that now and am amazed. I can't wait to see the end result of that picture!

I am reminded today of that as I went along my merry way performing what I thought was a tedious task of having to relodge Kyzac's passport application for the 3rd time. Our faces were too big the first time, I had to fill-up a new form for myself the second time, and then now, the passport office has come back to say Kyzac's form is out of date and we need to lodge a new application for him!

Anyway, I dropped in to see my pastor's wife to see if she would sign as guarantor for Kyzac's application since my neighbour is at work. We talked about other things and all of a sudden, it became a divine appointment. It was a very fruitful and encouraging visit.

3 years ago, I did some changes to my life which were pretty abnormal. I quit my secure full-time accounting job to be retrained as a Counsellor. I also did a diploma in Nail Technology (Essentially a Nail Artist course). I just did it because it was in my heart to do it for over a year and those desires just wouldn't go away. What seemed to be a strange thing to do suddenly seemed to all come together as we chatted.

My pastor's wife shared about how suddenly excited she is about a project we had previously talked about because of something she had read the last three days. Although we had previously discussed it, I wasn't sure if it was going to take off. Now, God has got her all excited to go full trottle with it and I feel like I've been placed here for such a time as this. It is amazing because 3 years ago, as I started my Counselling and my Nail Technology courses, not knowing where it was going to lead, I got a word from a lady that said I would be like Esther in the bible who was "born for such a time as this". I've been wondering for 3 years, what exactly that is. Suddenly, pieces of that puzzle are falling into place and I see a little more of that picture that God is fixing. Prophecies I've been given over the years are now beginning to make some sense.

I can't help but get excited each time I think about the completed puzzle! Sometimes life seems like it's going nowhere or we wonder why we're doing what we're doing. Just keep doing what God has asked you to do last and trust because He is not a man that He should lie, but what He said He definitely will bring to past.

I hope this has encouraged you as much as it has encouraged me!

Precious Moments

2006-03-02T12:50:00.000+09:30

I like to count my blessings. It's probably got something to do with being grateful for what I've got and knowing that where I am is where I should be. Allow me to share some significant moments of my life.

1st Feb 2004 was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I married a wonderful man who is a generous, giving, kind, gentle, humble and fun loving. He's my loving friend and husband and great father to our son.

In Nov 2004 came the new addition to our family.

Kyzac having his first chocolate cake at a birthday party of another toddler.

I'm blessed to have a beautiful, happy, healthy child. Kyzac started walking and following instructions. He looks more like a boy rather than a baby now. He says Flower, Car, Mah-mee/Mee-mah, Water, No, Banana, Dada and lots of what sounds more like german to me. Whatever they are, it sounds beautiful, like music. Maybe he's singing the songs I sing to him when I put him to sleep. He loves to laugh and he makes me laugh.

We live in a beautiful country where we could be refreshed just from soaking in the breathtaking surroundings when things get a bit wound up or monotonous.

These photos were taken at the Twelve Apostles in Victoria last November. We drove along the Great Ocean Road from Melbourne to Adelaide and it is definitely a cherished memory. What a lovely time it was.

One thing that is etched in my memory is the Blue Lake at Mt Gambier, a town built on volcanic grounds and craters. The blue lake is a lake formed from a crater and is now a reservoir for the town. I stood there for a long time beholding this beauty of God. How can any lake be so blue?!!

I am indeed truly blessed.

Unloading

2006-03-01T13:35:00.000+09:30

Kyzac is asleep and I'm hoping I'd have some time to do some reflecting today. I've left it for a while and I'm beginning to feel it - insecurities and a general unsettledness is starting to weigh me down. It's time to stop, ponder, go through my baggage and do some off-loading. Jesus said, "Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-29).

Why is my load heavy? Have I been doing things in my own strength? I beat myself up for things I have no control of with work related issues and I try and control the what-if's in my life. I wonder if I should be less this and more that. I wonder if I've made the right decisions. I've been doing a lot of wondering lately. I'm tired now. I think I'll just stop wondering and keep going with what I was doing before I started wondering and walk by faith, not by sight.

The cares of this world is so distracting and easily taken on. I didn't even know it's crept in until now. It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing myself to other people and chasing other people's dreams. Thank God I'm not meant to be like anyone else. I'm meant to be ME, what a relief! I have a purpose to fulfil and that is to be me!

Dilemma of a work-from-home mum

2006-03-01T00:17:00.000+09:30

Working from home is not as easy as it sounds. Any great tip from a successful home-based business person juggling part-time work, full-time mum and marriage?

I'm thinking I'm going to have to structure my week nights (after Kyzac goes to sleep) a lot more than I have. For example:

Mon nights - Games night with Hubs
Tues nights - Work night
Wed nights - Work night
Thurs nights - Marriage night
Fri nights - Social night
Sat nights - Social night
Sun nights - My night

Will that help me balance my life more? Any better ideas, anyone?

Truly church

2006-02-28T14:28:00.000+09:30

This is where we normally go for our Sunday worships in town but...

...last Sunday evening, we had a different experience of church from the normal Sunday evening services which are normally very good too. Instead of meeting at the church ground, we had church at the beach. We didn't have a sermon - actually, we didn't have a program. No one led songs, no one preached. We just sat around and appreciated the handiworks of God, the beach, the sunset, the beautiful day and the company of each other. We sat around, laughed, ate, talked and felt comfortable enough to share deep and meaningfuls with another brother or sister-in-Christ.

There's something about sharing our lives with each other that makes church truly meaningful. The church is afterall made up of people. That's precious. Hope you had a good weekend and a blessed week ahead. Till next time...

The Impossibility of Being Real

2006-02-27T21:10:00.000+09:30

I decided to delete a few of my previous posts last night because hubs raised his concerns about this whole blogging thing. He said if I were to reveal too much about myself some people might take it all the wrong way like the case of the chinese whisper where things are misconstrued. So, I am now reassessing my blog and whether there is any point in continuing with it. Hubs is all for me to blog just so long as I stay away from airing our issues out like hanging our dirty laundry in the public, I guess. I suppose I'm more of an open-book person. Deep down I know he's right about the human nature but I like to think that we humans are better/smarter than that.

I suppose we live in a very small town where gossip is the favourite past-time and words get around like wildfire. Not that I should be ashamed of anything I had written previously, because everybody has issues, every couple has disagreements, arguments and frustrations. That's only normal (read: "Everyone Is Normal Until You Get To Know Them" by John Ortberg). But not everyone is mature and wise enough to see that. It's human nature to make assumptions, talk about other people and make our own comments and some are worse than others. So, we just have to becareful who we tell things to, my husband says. Well, I suppose he's right but I'm disappointed that the world we live in makes it hard for people to be real.

Anyway, that's all I have to write about for now. I'm still coming to terms with this impossibility. How can we be real to one another if we cannot trust each other to be real, and, if we cannot trust people not to turn around and use our authenticity to boost their own ego or for their entertainment and benefit?

Men and women can be so cruel. And I am angry that we live in a world where being real is such a near impossible task because we are so cruel to one another, yet there's a deep longing in each and everyone of us to be accepted for who we really are.

The First Law of Motion

2006-02-21T22:21:00.000+09:30

I haven't forgotten everything about Physics. My mind often drifts back to the First Law of Motion when I keep thinking about how busy I get everyday. How each day just rolls into one another and the weeks and months just pass me by. How often when someone asks me "How are you?", I would invariably say, "Good, good... busy" because I either can't remember what I've done recently that was significant enough to talk about because I've just been going through the motion of it all without reflecting on what I've done and why I do them. This is where the connection is between my topic today and the first law of motion.

The First Law of Motion states that :
"Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it."

You know, I've learnt that busy-ness is a uniform state of life, like that in the first law of motion. And unless we do something to counter-act that (ie. apply an external force), it will remain in that state. Has the light bulb turned on yet? Ever since I learnt that I've looked at life in a different light. I didn't have to be propelled by the demands of others on me anymore if I stop and think about where I am, what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I could prioritise rest & relax, holidays and time-off into my schedule and not feel guilty about it because I know it's a necessity, not a luxury. Unless I do that, busy-ness will always prevail and it will seep into every free time I have like air filling up any vacuum it can sniff out.

Recently I heard someone mentioned a survey that was done on a group of elderly people and the question was, "What would you have done differently if you had the chance to do it all over again?". The top three responses were: 1. Take more risks 2. xxxxx (can't remember!)3. Reflect. (Unfortunately he didn't give any references and I can't find the source of it now.)

So, take time off, put something off today that you can do tomorrow if it can wait - most things can wait if you're prepared to leave it! Ask yourself questions like, "What's the worst case scenario if this is not done today?". See the bigger picture - are you being ruled by urgencies in life that surmounts to nothing much in the bigger scheme of things. Have you been proscrastinating doing something because you've been too busy? If so, maybe it's time to do some reflection and apply some external force to change the direction of things. Maybe it's just doing nothing. Maybe it's lending a hand to someone that's been in your heart for a while. Perhaps maybe the picture below will inspire you for something else! Follow your heart!

Acknowledgement

The first photo above is from: http://www.tribuneindia.com/2004/20040131/nc5.jpg

Good Value People

2006-02-21T13:00:00.000+09:30

Ever met good value people in your lifetime? Everyone is precious in God's eyes, I know, so everyone is valuable, but not everyone influences your life as much as some do.

I went for a walk and swim (yes, that's the pool in the picture) today with my friend, MM. She amazes me. If I hadn't known MM, I'm not sure if I would do half the things I do up here, or had lasted as long as I had up here. She's one of those people that makes me feel that I can take on things that I'd think impossible - yes, she empowers me as an individual and as a parent. She listens and reflects so well - so well it puts me, a trained counsellor, to shame.

MM is my answered prayer. She was there when I rang at the maternity ward here to find out the birthing facilities. MM went over and above her call of duty and filled me in on what to expect up here. She provided me with information about what I would need and not need and she assured me that I would be alright. There I was talking to a total stranger who could have been my angel but she was flesh and blood, and expecting her first baby around the same time I was. We both ended up having boys, 3 weeks apart.

Having left all my good friends behind in Sydney and Singapore, I now have to build new relationships. I often pray for at least one friend I could talk to at my level and about the kind of things I am interested in, someone whom I can hit it off with. MM does that and more. She challenges me to think beyond my comfort zone and inspires me to do things I'd never have been interested in.

Everyone needs a friend like MM who is walking the same path at one point or another of their journey in life. They are rare, like this red tailed (can't see the red in this pic) black cuckatoo we saw on our walk home from the pool, but thank God they are around.

So, this post is for all the MMs in my life that I've met over the years. You've influenced my life just by being yourself and without even trying hard.

Northern Exposure Downunder

2006-02-19T20:38:00.000+09:30

A year and a half ago, my husband took up a contract position in a mining town in the Northern Territory (NT). We thought it would be an exciting to do as a couple while we are still young and our son (I was 32wks pregnant when we arrived in town) is still in his pre-school years to travel Australia. Afterall, life is to be lived and experienced in its abundance.

What we thought would be for only a couple of years would now most probably extend for a bit longer. Well, that's the current plan anyway. We can but plan and leave the rest to God. With all that's happening in this world, it's best we learn to be open and prepared for change at anytime. Sydney though will always be home. We know that. It's the prettiest city to live in and no amount of people and stress is going to put us off going back to the place we will most probably always call home - on this earth anyway. Well, whether that might change in time is something we will yet to find out.

Meanwhile, we're here in the NT and there's much to be gained and experienced. I experienced my first 4WD on the sand as we drove along the beach watching spear-fishing by an aboriginal wise man - well he looked wise - old, with white hair but looked as fit as a fiddle. If you haven't experienced 4WD in the Top End, you haven't seen the Top End at all. The past-time here is fishing & camping. Swimming isn't a good idea in the Top End because of the salt-water crocodiles so it's a real shame.

Besides the ruggard beauty of its landscape and seascape and the vast open space, this town does have more to show me, a city girl. Town is only 5 mins drive (20mins walk) away from everybody and so is everything else 5 mins drive away or less. There's only 2 supermarkets (one of them is the size of a largish 711 in Sydney), and a few shops. For the die-hard shoppers, withdrawal symptoms is sure to be expected but most people wouldn't come to this town if there wasn't a travel allowance in the remuneration package. The facilities are good enough though. For instance there are tennis courts, a 50m swimming pool, kids pool, squash courts, gym, library, toy library, playgroup, childcare centre, pre-school, 2 primary schools, 1 secondary school, a limited University and a hospital. The next nearest town is about 800kms from here so this is it unless you want to drive on dirt road for a day. The power is very unpredictable though - which can be a real pain. The weather is tropical, usually around 30-33 deg celcius with humidity ready to drench you within 2 mins of walking on the street.

I have learnt that adaptation does happen, although not to the extent of Darwin's theory of evolution, I must add. But adaptation, resilience and strength evolves with time. For instance, for a year an a half, I spent most of my time in the aircon, if I can help it and I drove everywhere even if it was 2 mins walk away. I was getting really paranoid about cellulites and diabetes from lack of exercise. Then one day, something within me just clicked over like a clock, and I started walking my son in his pram in the mornings to go do my grocery shopping and have not found the heat nor the humidity a hindrance. What a relief!

Well, there's lots more about the town I'd like to share but that will have to wait for another post. Suffice to say that I am finding the simple life a refreshing experience and no doubt an important journey in my life.