A Holistic Living

I was thinking of calling this post 'A Spiritual Crisis' but when I thought it through (in the shower), I realised that it's not only a spiritual crisis, because the spiritual aspect has a flow-on effect on the physical and emotional well-being.

My spiritual crisis is the tension I am feeling with letting-go of my reigns. Letting go of my control over things. I would love to follow my heart and leave accounting TOTALLY but I may be holding on to a very fine thread-it's probably all the security I need but nonetheless, a security in every way. It's still not letting God full reign to do it His way. Perhaps, to put it in some context, it's like when someone distorts a truth and claims, "it's a version of the truth". Truths have no versions. God in control has no other versions besides Him in the driver seat and me in the passenger seat... not my hands on the gears, or my foot on the brakes... anyway, you get the gist.

It's doing what I can do, to the best of my ability, without the worries. That sounds like a great deal but why is it so hard to do? Worrying is such a gravitational force that if left alone will leave us going round and round the centripetal force - a bit like a rat on a treadmill. It must take another greater force to change the tangent of the action. Therefore it must take work and effort on my part to not let worry spin me into a ball.

That will in turn leave me with more to give my family, myself and for others, both with my time, my emotions and my physical energy.

Role Modelling

There's been quite a bit written recently about masculinity reconstruction - ie. Men have to learn to be more emotionally attuned, more connected with their children, be around physically more than their fathers, who were too busy to be involved, showed no emotions and when they did, was usually anger and spoke more criticisms than it was worth. So, due to the lack of good role modelling, men are struggling to define their role.

As a woman, I find that it's not only a phenomenon with the men. I can think of the many areas I feel inadequate about because of my lack of role modelling in my life. I can say this now with the knowledge that the inadequacies I often feel stems from that. I too have to reconstruct my feminity and my role in society.

Mum was great in as much as she could possibly be. But having been an orphan whose adopted parents died by the time she turned 8, and living with relatives who ill-treated her, mum had no role model herself. She didn't know how to socialise, she has a low self-esteem of herself, she was never one to be in the limelight for anything. She still thinks lowly of herself - not in a healthy way but in an unhealthy way. Whilst I consider her a matyr, she sees it as something she does because she has no choice. And that's probably true. She becomes a matyr because that's the only way she could find significance because she doesn't think she is worth anything else to anyone. How tragic. The more tragic thing is, that thought is now so ingrained that it's almost impossible for her to change without much pain. Pain I'm not sure I want to be the one inflicting.

Anyway, back to role reconstruction... isn't that something all of us struggle with? Maybe there might be some very blessed ones out there who had great role models. I tend to meet lots without, male or female.

My kind of Music

There are times when I wish I had grown up more emersed in the music of my teenage era - the 80's music. It's always when we're at Karaoke functions. But even now, I don't go seeking those music to listen to when I want to relax or unwind. I go to Josh Groban. I could have his same DVD playing in the background the whole day while I work at home.

When I was growing up, I stayed away from the pop and rock music coz anything that wasn't christian music had the potential to be satanic. That was the emphasis in church youth programs then. Not sure if they still do that now in christian youth programs. I suppose I've now learnt to discern not to throw the baby out with the bath water. Anyway, I never had any close affinity to any pop/rock singers, music or bands. Whilst I wasn't totally shielded from it, I know very few songs from the 80's and wouldn't have a clue who sang them even if they sounded familiar.

Now in my thirties, I still only have a handful of pop singers and songs that I like. I seem to have skipped the whole pop scene and gone straight to contemporary classical - if that's what you call someone like Josh Groban, Russell Watson & Bocelli.

My current favourite is Josh Groban. He just captivates me with his voice, the passion in his face when he sings, his ability to play different musical instruments well. Maybe I'm just not musical and when I see someone as talented as that, it just makes my jaw drop. Plus, he's easy on the eyes.

I just played his DVD, "Live at the Greek" for my visitors (who are into music) today. I was surprised they've never heard of him but they are in the late 50's or early 60's and he is in his 20's! They were just as impressed at what he does.

I enjoyed Awake just as much as his other earlier albums and I would love to hear him write and sing a piece of music that has much impact as the acclaimed 'You Raise Me Up' in his next album.

I Hate Accounting

I really do. I hate accounting. I'm keeping my one client because it's a good source of income but I absolutely hate the stress of checking figures and having to be pudentic about everything (so picky - eeks!) - I hate being paranoid about things. Is it just me or are all accountants like me - paranoid people? People that like to be in-control. It's so opposite from my other career - counselling.

My latter career tries to heal a person from being a perfectionist and my former career creates a perfectionist!!! No wonder I've been so stressed lately. The tension within me is slowly taking the toil on me and I'm going to have to choose one or the other or risk having a multiple personality disorder!

But giving up my accounting client means I'll have to work full-time as a counsellor to make up for the income loss and put my son in childcare full-time. That's the other tension. I don't really want to have my son in a daycare 5 days a week but I don't really know what to do with my time with him either when I've got him at home. I really do feel really guilty about putting him in full-time care. On the other hand, I don't really know how to fill my time with him and also feel guilty about not keeping him occupied enough. What should I do with a 3 year old day in and day out besides playing with the same toys, watching the same programs and going to the same shops???

Now, know what I mean about becoming a perfectionist?! Someone please help me with ideas on what to do with a 3 year old in a country town where nothing much happens. Lots of outdoors but I'm not a big outdoor person. I could stay indoor (not necessary at home) the whole day and for weeks and months and it would not bother me.

1-2-3 Magic

Well, I am impressed. It has worked. I think what I like about the method is that it's very easy to use and has only very few pointers to remember. The main pointers were - No Talk, No Emotion. Give 3 warnings for them to self-regulate their behaviour and to accept that they have to stop a bad behaviour, then follow through with a consequence after the count of 3 (with about 5 seconds in between each count of bad behaviour). Punishment must not be hitting, spanking and have no yelling. Just very matter-of-factly deliver a punishment without any emotions (anger, frustrations, yelling etc) after the count of 3 (with time given for child to stop behaviour and self-regulate). Isn't that easy? Then as time goes, parent lessen the counting and increase ignoring behaviours that are not big issues (referred to as Big Rocks) in the family.

Well, I must say, I left very beaten up about my parenting abilities and am feeling very much in-control and empowered now. So thanks to 1-2-3 Magic!

I think what works about the method is its simplicity. The other thing is being focussed on parenting. When I'm at a loss, I call on the methodology of 1-2-3 magic and I have a focal point for my parenting and it helps. I helps that I am not fumbling and tearing my hair out. It helps that my son knows who is in-charge. The best part is, there's no threat, no fear invoked, no physical abuse inflicted on the child.

I just don't agree about canning. I'm sorry that Christians interprete the bible verse "Spare the rod and spoil the child" literally. That is so wrong. People think they are doing the child a favour by spanking them. Often, it's because they are at a loss as to how to discpline their child as well as it's the only method they know from past experience.

Wealthy Christians - is that contradictory to being a Christian?

So I say I am a Christian. What does that mean to me? It's one of those things that mean different things to different people. Some call themselves a Christian because their parents are Christians. Some believe they are Christians by virtue that they go to church. Others call themselves Christians because they had a spiritual awakening of some sort to the salvation offered through Jesus Christ and attend church to meet other Christians who share this encounter.

I am a Christian because I have had one of those spiritual awakening experience. Still, the notion of what does being a Christian mean differ amongst those that have made that spiritual response to commit their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ and there are vast differences in what we believe. I am specifically talking about the issue of wealth creation here.

Some believe that Christians should be as poor as a church mouse as they live a non-materialistic life wanting of nothing but the basic needs to live and to share the gospel. Others believe they should be wealthy and in positions of influence so that they can make a difference, help the poor and further the gospel with their wealth and influence. The first category believe they live by faith and wait for God to provide - however that may be. The second category believe that they live by faith believing that God will provide for the poor and under-priviledge through them.

So, is it presumptuos to believe that God would want to use us to provide for the poor and under-priviledge? Does not the birds and the flowers in the field that Jesus described not an analogy for all Christians that we should not worry about what we should wear and what tomorrow will bring? So why should we worry about the providing for the poor and under-priviledge? How will God provide for these people if not for other people providing for them? If Christians don't provide for them, will non-Christians?

Much as I believe in God as a miracle maker, I have always seen him at work through people and the existing things around me. I have never seen things falling of the sky like the Isrealites did with their manna. I have never seen things appear from thin air. I have never experienced a miracle of that sort. But I have experienced miracles in many ways. Things happening that would have been more than mere coincidences. Things that in my mind would have been impossible, became possible. Things that I cannot explain except know that God holds all things in His hands.

So will God need me to bring about His miracles. He probably doesn't. But, would He use me to bring about His miracles if it was available to be used. I would think so. God wastes nothing. Would the lack of available resources mean God will be resourceless and His works and plans impeded? I don't think so, because He is the best steward there is in the entire universe. Let's not forget, He's also all-knowing unlike us. So with perfect knowledge, He could do what no one else can ever do, make the perfect plan, yet use us, and all our available resources. So should we worry about being wealthy - no. But should we desire to be wealthy - why not? Should we lose sleep over our wealth - no coz we were told not to worry about things but to trust the Lord in all circumstances. But should we dream and think about wealth - why not?

Where was I?

Wow... it's been a very long time. So long that I had forgotten how to post a blog and even forgotten my password! Took me quite a while fumbling around trying to even get my URL.

I'm blogging because I'm in a hotel room all on my own in Darwin, 3-4 hours drive away (depending on how fast you drive and how many cars are on the road) from my husband and son. I had to do a training in 123-Magic in Darwin today and had to stay 2 nights in a hotel coz I wasn't game to drive myself up just in case I fell asleep on the wheel, which I had done once a couple of years ago. Thankfully there were no cars on the road I was driving on. The next coach back is tomorrow morning.

Believe it or not, it's my first time leaving my son behind. That brought up a lot of my past experiences as a child. As a child I used to suffer great separation anxiety when mum went away. Not that she went away a lot but I remembered those times well. I remembered crying myself to sleep and praying every night that she will return. I remembered the separation itself was a traumatic time for me. I didn't want my son to experience the same things I did. I dreaded the separation for weeks coming into it. I would have cancelled the trip if it wasn't for the topic of the course - 123 Magic - a course to train trainers how to discipline a child without spanking, yelling and threats!

I knew it was going to benefit me as well as my career if I did the course considering it was being paid for by my employer. It was hard to tear apart from my child for 2 nights but I knew it was going to empower me to be a better mum and for me to help empower other mums.

Maybe given the surrounding context, I am feeling a bit vulnerable and a low about myself. My husband says I'm normally a confident person and everyone feels like that every now and again. I did feel better to think that what I'm feeling is normal and it did diffuse the blues.

I am now looking forward to my trip back to my family and implementing the 123 Magic. Hopefully it will be magic. I think I was the only one that sounded really apprehensive about the course - only because until I see the results for myself, I ain't raving on about it yet. I must admit id did sound very psychologically sound and right though. A lot more meat than the 123-Magic book itself presents.

Till my next... whenever that's going to be!