Parenting

I realise that parenting styles differ from family to family. Each family does things differently depending on how they were raised themselves and the culture and personality of each parent. What works for one family might not work for another.

Yet, there are so many books on what we should do. I remember when I was bemoaning my lack of sleep when Ky was waking up every 2 hours a friend recommended me a book. It was all about setting a routine for the child, what to do with a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, methods of play, sleep, feed processes to name a few. I didn't read the whole book. In fact, to be truthful, I read the summary at the back page, the blurb about the author and a page of two of the book and left it.

Almost 17 months later, I am still plagued with lack of sleep. He's improved a bit over the 17 months but he goes through patches where he sleeps better than some months. The last few weeks has been tough. He's been waking up every 2-3 hours for a feed! So, back to the literature I went, but this time, I did my own research into studies done rather than take an author's advice.

So I researched about 1) when to wean because I'm beginning to get asked how long I was going to breastfeed for. 2) About sleeping patterns of toddlers because I'm wondering if the breastfeeding does affect his sleep pattern. 3) Developmental theories (Erik Erikson, Jean Piaget, Vygotsky) because my dear boy is still going through the separation anxiety eventhough I thought this should have eased a bit after his first year. 4) Attachment theory (Bowlby's Attachment Theory) - to understand the whole need for emotional security, perceived competence and perceived autonomy in a child's development. 5) About parenting styles and what to avoid because I keep getting advised that one should not "spare the rod and spoil the child". No. 3, 4 and 5 are about parenting sytles.

I have formed my own views about my own dilemma and will share them with you. Perhaps I'll start with no.5 because it's an advice I get from well-meaning christians more than any other. I beg to differ. I don't know what refute to give except that the bible also has a lot of other sayings that may not be taken literally due to differences in time and culture. Symbolisms are often used-in this case, rod=discipline. I agree with discipline, but I disagree with the rod bit taken literally. I think there are many ways of punishment and it is not necessary to use the rod. A frustrated or well-meaning parent or carer resorts to a rod because it's the quickest method that inflicts fear on the child so as to gain power and obedience.

I admit, I smack my son's hands when he defiantly throws his food on the floor but more often than not, out of frustration. Apparently, they all do it because it's a developmental thing. Eventually, they just get over it and stop doing it. So, while I should tell him how I feel about him throwing food on the floor, smacking him will not do more than if I had shown my disapproval through words and tone of voice. In fact, the more I smack, the more he does it because he's learning that he gets a reaction from me. Worse than that, I would hate to send the message that the use of physical power is how one can gain control.

What about a light smack you may ask? My question is, what's the point of it? Like Stephen Covey says, begin with the end in mind. If it is to instill discipline, then there are better and more effective methods. They may be more time consuming to enforce, but let's not abuse the bible verse to give permission to a method that is more a choice of convenience to the parent/carer than a choice based on what's better for the child.

Next... my stand on extended breastfeeding and sleeping methods.