Fusion Recipe: Chicken Meatballs Rice Porridge

There's nothing like a good soupy, slurpy hearty meal with all the goodness in one dish so here's one for your keep!

I usually don't use recipes unless I'm baking. I just estimate and gauge by the sight so the measurements in this recipe is only what I think they would roughly measure to:

Recipe:
1. Marinate 500g of minced chicken with half cup of Kikoman soy sauce, 1tbsp of sesame oil,1tbsp of corn flour and lots of white pepper or however much you like (add some chopped shallots for something special otherwise without the shallots, is just as nice).
2. Boil 1 cup of rice in 1litre of water, with 1x1.5inch long crushed ginger and 3 big cloves of crushed garlic till the rice turns into porridge (when rice is all soft and opened up) then add salt to taste.
3. Shape the meatballs with 2 dessert spoons and then throw into the porridge till all meatballs are in, then add 2/3 cup of frozen vegetables, and a couple of cubes of frozen spinach and cook till you see the meatballs are floating and spinach all broken up in the porridge. Meatballs should be floating if they are cooked. REMEMBER to stir the bottom of pot regularly to keep the rice from settling to the bottom of pot and causing a burnt layer on the bottom of pot.
4. Serve in bowl and garnish with fried onions, chopped shallots and coriander and cut chilli (optional). I usually make my own homemade sauce of freshly cut birds eye chilli, soy sauce and balsamic vinegar to go with all my meals.
5. If you like it more soupy, just add more water, bring to boil again and add salt to taste.

Christians need to share more with other Christians...

I've been a Christian since I was 8 and went to Sunday Schools since I was 5 and now in my early 40s the one thing that I find about the Christian life is the lack of people who would talk to you honestly about the questions of life and Christian living.  There are not many people who will listen to your issues of the meaning of life and the things that don't add up, about the tension and discrepancy, about the practicality of Christian living, and openly share their own struggles and conclusions.  Maybe because many themselves are struggling with those issues and still are.  May be because they just don't have an answer and don't know what to say. They therefore give standard regurgitated answers.  That is what makes Christianity boring and irrelevant.

You know what? It's ok even if there are no answers, to ponder about those difficult questions of life because it is when we come through those questioning times and still conclude that we will trust in Him regardless, that faith really comes to play.  It is those type of bare bone sharing and transparency that makes it easier for others to join in the journey with us.  It's ok that we are in a journey but don't pretend that life is a bed of roses, even as a Christian.

So I have resolved today to listen to those who are struggling in their faith, those who are babes and who are still tossing in the wind and to reason with them why we should still trust in God because there are more reasons to do so than not.

Lord, prepare me...

This song keeps playing in my head...

Lord prepare me,
To be a sanctuary
Pure and Holy
Tried and True...


With thanksgiving
I'll be a living sanctuary
For You...

Today, I choose to trust...

In my few minutes of peace in the toilet today, I reflected on where I am today and instantly I was brought back to when I was a teenager of about 18 years of age.  When I came to a point in my life when the pressures of this world became overwhelming and becoming a successful person in this world weighed heavily on my shoulders.  In my world and my mind then, success was measured in how well one performs in life; how much money one is able to command, how comfortable one is and how good one looks etc.  It was obvious that if I wanted these things, I have to earn it myself or go and get them myself.  I had to have qualifications and have qualities that attract employers who will then remunerate me.  My love for God and spirituality was not going to give me those things, or so I thought.  Hence I made the decision to put my head down and learn the ways of this world, so that I may succeed in this world or at least get enough income to give me some pleasures in life.

This meant Godly things had to take second place.  And in my mind then, to put God in second place is just as good as being a non-believer.  So I walked away from my faith, called myself an agnostic and steered myself away from getting involved in Church and church activities.  What took me away was the lack of faith that God will provide for my needs if I trusted in Him and followed my heart and did what I loved.  That maybe I did not have to do it on my own.  I loved the ways of God, and love being in that safe bubble.  If I had believed that it wasn't a bubble but a reality, life would have taken quite a different turn for me.

Today, I felt like I was at that place again where I have the choice to trust God or to run with my own steam. That I could trust in Him to provide, to rest and abide in Him; doing what He's asking me to do without having to run around like a chook with its head cut off to ensure I have enough to pay my bills (and believe me, they are huge).  And today, I choose to stay in the presence of my Almighty God and to trust that He will provide; that I do not have to control my own destiny - I just have to listen to what He's telling me today, and to obey Him.

Here I am, Lord

So, here I am Lord, a willing servant today.  What is it that you would like me to do or not do today?  What is it that you want to tell me today that I should be hearing less the noise of this world drowns it?  I want to be transformed by you and it starts here, today.

Hearing God

There are doctrines out there that says that God doesn't reveal and speak to us like He did with Moses and prophets anymore.  They say that He now only speaks to us through the written word of God.  All prophets who profess to be a prophet is a false prophet regardless.  I can't understand why people would say that.  The write well thought out arguments for their beliefs but you know what, I am still not convinced that God does not speak to us through prophets, gifts of knowledge, dreams and visions etc anymore.

To me, knowing God and having fresh revelations everyday is the reason for my trust in Him.  Without that relationship, it is but religion.  Being a Christian would mean nothing more than attending church, singing some songs, reading the bible and staying away from trouble.  BORING.  Christianity is much much more than that.  Those are only the tip of the iceberg stuff.  If one thinks that's all Christians should aspire to be and do, then that's all one will ever experience.

As for me, I hunger for His presence and for Him to speak to me.  I want to be like Moses who spoke to God face to face.  The bible says Moses was the most humble person on earth alive!  (Nums 12:3) and he doesn't even have to decipher any dreams and visions and receive revelations in bits and pieces.  God spoke to him clearly the bible says.

I don't know about you, that sounds much more interesting than reading a manual and not driving the car.

 

Why I need to blog

I was looking forward to this morning bible study - I must admit, not so much for the study but to meet and catch-up with the people in church.

I wanted to catch up with Shirley to talk about my thoughts on volunteering in the Community Support Agency at church.  I want to help expand the service and bring in some grants to service some programs etc... wanted her opinion on who is the best person to talk to about that.  But, she as busy organizing and preparing for the bible study.  Then came in Noreen.  I wanted to talk to her about what a great job her husband was doing at our house and about anything but she too got caught up with preparing for the meeting.  Then Sharon came in and she asked me how things are with me... I started sharing a bit and we got interrupted by Noreen asking us to sign Karen's 50th birthday card and if we would like to put in $5 for Karen's layby bike.  Then Kylie entered.  We started getting tea and chatted about what I did during the school holidays etc.  We proceeded to the table to talk and we were on a very interesting topic about the church she attended last Sunday... and we got interrupted by this card round again - the parcel came to be signed... so I started on that and Annemarie arrived.  She started another conversation about her struggles etc.  We were going to get into it when we were interrupted to break up into groups for the study.  I explained that I might have to leave early if I receive a phone call from our Westpac assessor.  Next thing was, my husband rang to say he's feeling sick and needed to be picked up from work.  So I left bible study even before it started!  I can't stand it that I no longer can finish a conversation without being interrupted.  That we do not have a lot of time to talk with one another, more importantly, to listen to one another properly without being interrupted.

So what is it about our lives that we lead so busy lives and are so used to not finishing our conversation that we don't see anything wrong interrupting conversations??!

The Biggest Challenge in My Life - dealing with the need for Financial Stability

Once again, I am at the cross roads of trusting in God wholeheartedly or choosing to manage it my way.  My way is to seek financial stability so that I do not have to worry about that aspect of life.  My way is to seek ways that will bring in a good sum of income so I don't have to worry about finances - ie. a place of financial independence.  But the bible says "do not worry about anything but in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God".  It takes a whole different slant to life.  Financial Independence means I no longer have a financial concern or need.  I am self-sufficient.  I think God never wants us to be in a place where we are self-sufficient.  He made men speak in many languages because of that very reason - that men became to think that he can be self-sufficient.  That they forget the source giver of the things they have.

Having worried about finances for the last few years, I am now handing the reign to God and I will now trust Him to provide for me.  And when I say, trust, I mean, really... we have a house construction happening and I need to pay builders, tradesmen, plumbers etc.  we have a pretty huge mortgage to pay etc.  So, at the end of the day, if God were to take these away, so be it - His grace will be sufficient for me.  I have to learn to believe that in my heart, wholeheartedly.

If I am a wholehearted Christian, then I might as well come to terms with the fact that I will continually have a financial need but I am not to worry about this need - that my God will provide for the finances I require.  That I will continually have a need to clothe myself, my children, have food for the table, have a shelter over my head, have enough to give away, have enough to use for God's kingdom, have enough to pay the people I hire, have enough to pay the people I owe... and to also know that I don't have to worry about how I am going to meet these needs.

When I say to not worry, I don't mean to be irresponsible.  I mean, to not be excessive about how much time I put into gaining income - ie. not to have my main focus in life on meeting my financial needs - because this can be very debilitating for me.  As an ex-accountant, I can be very detailed in how I manage my finances, and this can be very time consuming so much so that it'll take up all my life!  So for me, I have to let go of some of these detailed managing of our personal finances and it means that I am giving up some control over it.  It frees me up to do other things in life like spend time with friends, children, husband, cooking, get involve in my community etc.  But I'd have to give up the nitty gritty stuff about finances.  So, some level of financial irresponsibility is necessary for me.  For others, this is not financial irresponsibility, it's just ignorance and perhaps for me, ignorance is bliss in this case! (I don't always think ignorance is bliss and good but in this circumstance, I believe, if it gives a more balance lifestyle, yes).  So, I need to shed off some financial responsibility.  And I think, over the years, I have done that and at times, this means some financial hick-ups for us.  My initial response had been :oh,if only I had been more..."  but you  know what? If I had been doing more in my finances... I would be doing less in other areas of my life... so I need to be okay with the hick-ups that happens because I have finite resources.  And, having dealt with that, I am now okay with that.

I need to trust that God will provide but I also need to know what He is calling me to do.  Having been so focused on finances, knowing what He wants me to do with my gifts and talents is now my dilemma.  It now frees me up to rediscover my passion in life again.  To do things like volunteer my service to my local community and to see lives change.  To help others with the same problems I have/had. To bring healing and hope to wounded souls because that's what Jesus came and died for and commissioned me to do.

Feels good to be back on track again!

My family - some Background

I am a from a family of 4. There are two girls and two boys. My sister, the eldest in the family is 8 yrs older than I. Then my two brothers, 7 yrs older and 5yrs respectively. I'm the youngest. But, I also have a half sister who is 7 yrs younger than me.

It's weird that there's 5 of us and yet I often feel like an only child. We are not close to each other, and I don't have much memories of doing much with them.

In our adulthood, my sisters and I have connected a little more out of life's necessities and age does seem to close the older you get. When I say due to life's necessities, I mean my sister has had to be inter-dependent on each other as we got older. The relationship with my younger sister is more a healthier one - not out of need or dependency so much but from a platonic gravitation towards each other. Perhaps that we're both more of the same wavelength helps.

Of my 2 brothers, my second brother is the one I get along better. He's always been the one that would make an effort to play with me when I was younger or seem to have more time to listen. He's more emotionally connected. He's a slow and steady worker and his career success itself is an awesome life success story which I might get to one day.

I was born in a little port town called Port Klang, an hour south of Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. I studied my first 5 yrs in Malaysia, then the rest of my schooling life was completed in Singapore. In a miraculous way, I came to Australia in 1991 to study my tertiary education. In 1994, I got married to an Australian. I've basically left home since I was 19, lived in a different country and embraced the Australian culture.

The embracing of the Australian culture was not difficult in my case for many reasons I will explain in later posts. I felt like an open slate, waiting to absorb a culture that made sense and had more logic. In doing so, I took a large diversion path from the way of life and culture my family and friends in Singapore were living.

Hence begun a journey I am now on. I am currently struggling with that wedge of difference between me and my family members. The differences in views, perspectives, likes and dislikes... but still they are my family - that blood is thicker than water is true in the Asian culture but also complicates life and the cause of a lot of heartache.

I shall stop here for now as I have limited myself to time spent on blogging.

Spiritual Discernment

My struggle with Spiritual Discernment is not so much with the obvious sins. It's more about the choices that are available that does not have right or wrong to them. Should there even be a need for spiritual discernment in these things? I guess, at times like these, I cling on to the advice that if you don't hear anything either way, then just keep doing the last thing God told you to do.

Am I hearing the Lord say anything to me today? If not, then keep doing the same thing. If so, then be ready to change.

I have a few thoughts in my mind right now about what the Lord might be saying to me but I really need spiritual discernment whether it is God or is it me.

So Lord, I ask, please make it clear to me that I may know in my spirit that it is you.

The weeds are choking me...

The parable about the sower who sowed seeds that fell on 4 different medium - some fell on the wayside (on the road, I guess) and got eaten by the birds; some fell on stony ground and it grew but did not have strong roots and died eventually; some fell amongst the weed and got choked by the weeds and some fell on good soil and became good.

Sometimes I feel like the seed amongst the weeds. These weeds are towering and pressing. They seem to grow overnight and they grow very fast. It overshadows and overtakes quickly with no warning... before I know it, the weeds are in my space, my life and binding me.

How did it happen so quickly?

Time to weed out these pesksy things in my life. Time to identify the weeds from the plants. Those that need nurturing and those that need pulling out from the root.

Ok... so what would the weeds be in my life right now? The construction work that's stalled and going nowhere due to lack of funds. The uncertainty and tossing in the wind attitude about my work - swaying between making money and making disciples; between raising my children with scrutiny and with blinkers on...

The stress and pressures of life can so easily take our focus away and dim our perspective of the real world - our spirituality and spiritual eternal life.

My prayer today is that the Lord gives me spiritual discernment to identify the weeds. The Lord himself pulls out those weeds. The Lord gives me strength to grow in His purposes and to carry out His will. The Lord gives me His wisdom.

"Lord, I need you. Without you nothing seems to give satisfaction. I struggle to know and discern when things are of you and when things are of my own finite analysis and perception. I struggle to know when it is your voice I hear. So Lord give me spiritual discernment so that I can choose rightly."

Life seems to fall apart when I seem to lose focus on why I'm here on earth. Discontent or fear creeps in. Then I discover once again that I can't really do life on my own and that this life is not mine to live. That I have a purpose to fulfil and until I get back on track again, those feelings will stay. Life just gets more complicated and more difficult as we grow older. There's no doubt about that. Sure, we got more experienced and skilled but that's because if we don't learn how to cope then we will surely go insane. But that's only good until the next hurdle comes along.

With each hurdle that comes my way, it almost usually hits like a crisis. I start to panic first, then I spend many hours thinking about the problem and I spend hours looking for answers to the problem. Then I come to the conclusion that I'll have to let go and let God because I can't handle it on my own anymore.

With the cycle repeating itself, you'd think that I'd eventually learn my lesson, don't you? But somehow, it seems to re-occur again from time to time. Hopefully, the reoccurences will be lessening.

Then there's the dying to self bit that's part of the whole meaning of life. I suppose, with leaving things in God's hands also comes "what is God asking me to do?". That means, I'll have to listen/hear from God. To hear God, I need to have a heart that's synchronised with His. I need to die to that part of me that only self gratifies. If I don't wish to do that, then I can't call myself a Christian... a Christian is one who follows Christ. A follower follows and I can't go off doing my own things. Individualilty and uniqueness is bliblical but being alone and doing the Christian walk alone is not. We are each accountable to God, but we are called to live in unity with Him.

Unity with Him and with others... well, that's harder in practice than it is typing! I'd better work on my humility first... so I can submit myself to the one above me and to my peers or to other believers. So... that's where I am at the moment - working on my humility, servanthood and submission. What does that look like? What does the bible say it looks like? A broken and contrite heart to start off with would help. Psalms 51 says my heart is depraved and a broken and contrite heart is the sacrifice He requires. Well, once you realised how deprave your heart is, humility is not difficult, is it?

Anyway, what do I need to change now that I "see" my true colours? What's my true colours, btw??? I leave here pondering on exactly just that.

The Joy Luck Club

Every time after my mum and I disagrees or argues, I think about the movie ‘The Joy Luck Club’. I’m not sure why the movie makers called it that but I gather it’s got to do with some direct translation of some Chinese saying.

How the movie relates to me though is the wedge in the relationships between the mothers and the daughters in the movie. Like the movie, the wedge is the different lifestyle, culture and country they each spent their youth to adult life in. But the wedge is also the similarity in the patterns of choices they each make – like mother, like daughter, there’s a same thread in the choices they make, although in different scenarios.

I broke away from my mother’s patterns of behaviour early enough in my life. Thanks to a crisis, I now have a life I’m proud to say, is a product of my own choices and responses. But, it didn’t come till I was in my early thirties though.

Last December, we asked my mum if she could come live with us for a while to help look after our newborn baby. She said yes. I wasn’t sure how long she would stay for this time because efforts in the past to make her honour her 3 -6 months visit were unsuccessful. The last two times she’s visited, her stays were cut short. Twice it was a result of an argument between her and myself.

This time, many arguments happened but she stayed despite many times threatening to leave. This time, my weapon is my newborn baby girl, Ella. She’s the reason why mum stayed longer than 3 months. She’s the source of happiness for mum, who made that very clear. It is not me. I on the other hand, is like a stranger to her, she claims. She doesn’t ask to spend time with me but she expects me to do that. She has lots of expectations which she doesn’t speak about until we have a blown up argument over something small. She pants it all up and then, like a bottle of coca-cola shaken up, she spills it all out. I on the other hand, am too busy to stop to talk to her or to be creative in engaging her. I already have to be creative in engaging my 5 year old, my 9month old, and my clients. I don’t need really want to have to parent my parent either, if that is to put it bluntly.

This year, my sister’s daughter also came to live with us to study in Australia. My mum pampers her, much to my disagreement. She claims I’m jealous and I should let her show her love to her grand daughter if she wishes. That’s alright if mum doesn’t live under the same roof. But pampering a grand daughter who lives under the same roof means she’s going to undermine my niece’s character growth and maturity. So there goes another wedge driven into our already fragile relationship. The relationship that is only held together by my baby daughter, so it seems.

Mum claims I am a horrible person – that I’m not a nice person. When my niece said this evening that she thinks I’m a nice person, that I’m patient and kind, mum said, that’s the first she’s heard. She claims that others do not know me like she does. That others have not seen the other side of me. My niece has seen the other side of me. Who I am at home is who I am with others. I don’t always have to assert myself with others as I have to with mum because I don’t find myself clashing with someone’s thought processes as much as I do mum’s. She doesn’t give me credit where credit is due. She hates my guts, my confidence, my assertiveness, my voice – the voice she never had.

When will we ever see eye to eye? When will mum ever credit me for who I am? When will she agrees with me like my friends agree with me? Isn’t that what every daughter wants from her mother? Sure, when I was a child, nurturing and security was what I needed and she was the best with that. She took me everywhere I wanted, gave me almost everything I wanted within her abilities and budget. She did everything for me and I never had to lift a finger at home. She still does all the housework except that I am no longer a little child needing only to be fed and to be fussed around. Without that, we don’t have a relationship. We don’t look at the world the same way. We have different parenting styles. We have very different outlook on life. We are like chalk and cheese.

But mum will never have her own home where she can do what she likes. Unlike many older people I know who have their own abode to do whatever old people like, mum will never have that priviledge to. I wish I could give her a house she could call her own and she could live on her own but the closest she will have is a granny flat down stairs our house in the Gold Coast. I will have to try and not say much about what she does with that space there and I will. But till then, we have to share this little 3 bedroom house with her and my niece… and it’s hard when mum stashes away incredible amount of junk I would normally throw in the bin.

I know mum is still unhappy with me for throwing out her stashes of tissue paper or kitchen towels that she claims she wants to reuse for cleaning the floor because they are not very dirty, the sauce in the fridge that was almost 2 months old (that still tasted good) and a whole bunch of things I've told her to stop doing. Hence here I am writing this long block to process it all while the rest of the household sleeps...

Investing in Education

The one thing my dad never failed to get through to us children, is that education is an investment. I grew up hearing that all my life. Hence he poured money into our education and as I grew older, I poured money into educating myself. But an investment means it must give returns. And normally, the world views return in monetary form, at least in economics anyway. So, if I don't use my education to bring income, then it's considered a waste - it is a useless investment. That's how my mind thought for many years. And economics also thought me about opportunity loss - the forgone opportunity when one resource is used in another way. So the guilt of calculated monetary loss became the source of my motivation and decisions for many many years. Sure economics also brushed on intangible assets and intangible opportunity loss but it was all very airy fairy so not much attention was given to it.

But, there is more to education than monetary returns and it is still a good investment even if it is not income producing. The socialisation and institutionalisation of education helps to integrate a person into a culture and society, bringing a sense of belonging and identity. Even if the person becomes a full-time mum at some later stage, that cultural impartation is important for institutionalising future generation. Education has given me the words to speak and the tools to understand this world I live in.

I'm sure my dad saw investment only as monetary and social status but that doesn't matter now. The main thing is, I'm glad for the education I've received and the education I've put myself through. I'm thankful for dad's grounding eventhough it may have been from a skewed motivation. I'm writing this because once upon a time, I looked at dad's intention as self-serving because in the chinese culture, investment to him means us children have to return the responsibility of looking after our parents in their old age. Not that I have an issue with that but I have an issue with the self-serving part!

Anyway, I can now truly say, whatever dad's intentions were, it does not matter because it has served me well too - both monetary and non-monetary wise.

Self-employed or be employed?

I must admit blogging took a grip of me at one stage and I was aware that I was spending too much time on it. So I took the cold turkey approach and stopped completely. But I've always loved to journal and knew that someday, I'll return.

Now almost 2 years after my last blog and another kid later, I'm hoping to venture a lasting return to blogging.

I just read my last posting and thought... wow, I don't think I can live that out. Somewhere in between then and now, we've increased our mortgage and had another child. What is more important now is to spend more time with my children and work from home if I can. And counselling from home is a bit tricky...

With another child in tow, I'm finding it increasing difficult to return to work for an employer. Not because there's no job, nor is it because I can't find a suitable job. I just don't think I'll be happy even if it's what I love doing, and, eventhough I have the help of my mum who has offered her her availability indefinitely for this first year. Maybe it's that streak in me that doesn't like to be bossed around. And there's an element of that if I'm an employee whatever level I'm on. If I work my way up to the top, I'm still a puppet to someone who is waiting on me to deliver their profits or their commitments to another source of stakeholder.

If I work for myself I don't have the responsibility of meeting someone else's agenda... I do not have an agency contract... yes, it's coming back to me now what I learnt in my Economics and Accounting degrees. I can do my own thing, work when I want to and take a holiday whenever I wish to. I can do things my way and not have to follow someone else's. However, I don't earn any income if I don't work.

On the other hand, working as an employee in an organization not controlled by myself means I get a constant stable wage and a few other incentive perks. The trade off is a stipulated leave entitlement, contractual fixed income and having less autonomy than working for myself.

I still like working for myself. I guess I value freedom more than I value security. But I've also come to be aware that if I go too much with my whims and fancy when it comes to work, I won't go too far. That if I don't have the 'stayability' in the one thing I'm doing and be consistent, I will grow old and not achieve much.

Hence it's my next dilemma - what do I want to commit my limited time to? I've been thinking:
1) I can do accounting and bookkeeping services
2) I can work on building up my clients in counselling
3) I can become a full-time share trader, and finally
4) I could also do a web business offering my financial organizational skills - mainly cashflow management I'm thinking about.

I would love to someday do something creative like run a restaurant or a boutique selling beautiful things that I like but I'll have to get a loan for that and have an initial capital. That's not possible at the moment coz of we've got huge mortgages now. I'm not hugely creative but I do have creative flair that seems to come in spurts... strange.

Lastly, do I need to work? Can't I just not think of work and just look after the children full-time 24x7? Well, no. Firstly, we can't afford for me not to pull my weight in the finances due to our huge mortgage and secondly, it'll drive me insane. We could sell our properties but I think we're at the peak of our income earning years and I would not feel totally comfortable foregoing those opportunities.

Well, that's where I am right now in my life. I want to work for myself and not be employed. I want flexibility and I need to be consistent and committed to one thing and build it to something substantial. I believe I need to give it at least 5-10 years to build it.

A Holistic Living

I was thinking of calling this post 'A Spiritual Crisis' but when I thought it through (in the shower), I realised that it's not only a spiritual crisis, because the spiritual aspect has a flow-on effect on the physical and emotional well-being.

My spiritual crisis is the tension I am feeling with letting-go of my reigns. Letting go of my control over things. I would love to follow my heart and leave accounting TOTALLY but I may be holding on to a very fine thread-it's probably all the security I need but nonetheless, a security in every way. It's still not letting God full reign to do it His way. Perhaps, to put it in some context, it's like when someone distorts a truth and claims, "it's a version of the truth". Truths have no versions. God in control has no other versions besides Him in the driver seat and me in the passenger seat... not my hands on the gears, or my foot on the brakes... anyway, you get the gist.

It's doing what I can do, to the best of my ability, without the worries. That sounds like a great deal but why is it so hard to do? Worrying is such a gravitational force that if left alone will leave us going round and round the centripetal force - a bit like a rat on a treadmill. It must take another greater force to change the tangent of the action. Therefore it must take work and effort on my part to not let worry spin me into a ball.

That will in turn leave me with more to give my family, myself and for others, both with my time, my emotions and my physical energy.

Role Modelling

There's been quite a bit written recently about masculinity reconstruction - ie. Men have to learn to be more emotionally attuned, more connected with their children, be around physically more than their fathers, who were too busy to be involved, showed no emotions and when they did, was usually anger and spoke more criticisms than it was worth. So, due to the lack of good role modelling, men are struggling to define their role.

As a woman, I find that it's not only a phenomenon with the men. I can think of the many areas I feel inadequate about because of my lack of role modelling in my life. I can say this now with the knowledge that the inadequacies I often feel stems from that. I too have to reconstruct my feminity and my role in society.

Mum was great in as much as she could possibly be. But having been an orphan whose adopted parents died by the time she turned 8, and living with relatives who ill-treated her, mum had no role model herself. She didn't know how to socialise, she has a low self-esteem of herself, she was never one to be in the limelight for anything. She still thinks lowly of herself - not in a healthy way but in an unhealthy way. Whilst I consider her a matyr, she sees it as something she does because she has no choice. And that's probably true. She becomes a matyr because that's the only way she could find significance because she doesn't think she is worth anything else to anyone. How tragic. The more tragic thing is, that thought is now so ingrained that it's almost impossible for her to change without much pain. Pain I'm not sure I want to be the one inflicting.

Anyway, back to role reconstruction... isn't that something all of us struggle with? Maybe there might be some very blessed ones out there who had great role models. I tend to meet lots without, male or female.

My kind of Music

There are times when I wish I had grown up more emersed in the music of my teenage era - the 80's music. It's always when we're at Karaoke functions. But even now, I don't go seeking those music to listen to when I want to relax or unwind. I go to Josh Groban. I could have his same DVD playing in the background the whole day while I work at home.

When I was growing up, I stayed away from the pop and rock music coz anything that wasn't christian music had the potential to be satanic. That was the emphasis in church youth programs then. Not sure if they still do that now in christian youth programs. I suppose I've now learnt to discern not to throw the baby out with the bath water. Anyway, I never had any close affinity to any pop/rock singers, music or bands. Whilst I wasn't totally shielded from it, I know very few songs from the 80's and wouldn't have a clue who sang them even if they sounded familiar.

Now in my thirties, I still only have a handful of pop singers and songs that I like. I seem to have skipped the whole pop scene and gone straight to contemporary classical - if that's what you call someone like Josh Groban, Russell Watson & Bocelli.

My current favourite is Josh Groban. He just captivates me with his voice, the passion in his face when he sings, his ability to play different musical instruments well. Maybe I'm just not musical and when I see someone as talented as that, it just makes my jaw drop. Plus, he's easy on the eyes.

I just played his DVD, "Live at the Greek" for my visitors (who are into music) today. I was surprised they've never heard of him but they are in the late 50's or early 60's and he is in his 20's! They were just as impressed at what he does.

I enjoyed Awake just as much as his other earlier albums and I would love to hear him write and sing a piece of music that has much impact as the acclaimed 'You Raise Me Up' in his next album.

I Hate Accounting

I really do. I hate accounting. I'm keeping my one client because it's a good source of income but I absolutely hate the stress of checking figures and having to be pudentic about everything (so picky - eeks!) - I hate being paranoid about things. Is it just me or are all accountants like me - paranoid people? People that like to be in-control. It's so opposite from my other career - counselling.

My latter career tries to heal a person from being a perfectionist and my former career creates a perfectionist!!! No wonder I've been so stressed lately. The tension within me is slowly taking the toil on me and I'm going to have to choose one or the other or risk having a multiple personality disorder!

But giving up my accounting client means I'll have to work full-time as a counsellor to make up for the income loss and put my son in childcare full-time. That's the other tension. I don't really want to have my son in a daycare 5 days a week but I don't really know what to do with my time with him either when I've got him at home. I really do feel really guilty about putting him in full-time care. On the other hand, I don't really know how to fill my time with him and also feel guilty about not keeping him occupied enough. What should I do with a 3 year old day in and day out besides playing with the same toys, watching the same programs and going to the same shops???

Now, know what I mean about becoming a perfectionist?! Someone please help me with ideas on what to do with a 3 year old in a country town where nothing much happens. Lots of outdoors but I'm not a big outdoor person. I could stay indoor (not necessary at home) the whole day and for weeks and months and it would not bother me.

1-2-3 Magic

Well, I am impressed. It has worked. I think what I like about the method is that it's very easy to use and has only very few pointers to remember. The main pointers were - No Talk, No Emotion. Give 3 warnings for them to self-regulate their behaviour and to accept that they have to stop a bad behaviour, then follow through with a consequence after the count of 3 (with about 5 seconds in between each count of bad behaviour). Punishment must not be hitting, spanking and have no yelling. Just very matter-of-factly deliver a punishment without any emotions (anger, frustrations, yelling etc) after the count of 3 (with time given for child to stop behaviour and self-regulate). Isn't that easy? Then as time goes, parent lessen the counting and increase ignoring behaviours that are not big issues (referred to as Big Rocks) in the family.

Well, I must say, I left very beaten up about my parenting abilities and am feeling very much in-control and empowered now. So thanks to 1-2-3 Magic!

I think what works about the method is its simplicity. The other thing is being focussed on parenting. When I'm at a loss, I call on the methodology of 1-2-3 magic and I have a focal point for my parenting and it helps. I helps that I am not fumbling and tearing my hair out. It helps that my son knows who is in-charge. The best part is, there's no threat, no fear invoked, no physical abuse inflicted on the child.

I just don't agree about canning. I'm sorry that Christians interprete the bible verse "Spare the rod and spoil the child" literally. That is so wrong. People think they are doing the child a favour by spanking them. Often, it's because they are at a loss as to how to discpline their child as well as it's the only method they know from past experience.