Once again, I am at the cross roads of trusting in God wholeheartedly or choosing to manage it my way. My way is to seek financial stability so that I do not have to worry about that aspect of life. My way is to seek ways that will bring in a good sum of income so I don't have to worry about finances - ie. a place of financial independence. But the bible says "do not worry about anything but in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God". It takes a whole different slant to life. Financial Independence means I no longer have a financial concern or need. I am self-sufficient. I think God never wants us to be in a place where we are self-sufficient. He made men speak in many languages because of that very reason - that men became to think that he can be self-sufficient. That they forget the source giver of the things they have.
Having worried about finances for the last few years, I am now handing the reign to God and I will now trust Him to provide for me. And when I say, trust, I mean, really... we have a house construction happening and I need to pay builders, tradesmen, plumbers etc. we have a pretty huge mortgage to pay etc. So, at the end of the day, if God were to take these away, so be it - His grace will be sufficient for me. I have to learn to believe that in my heart, wholeheartedly.
If I am a wholehearted Christian, then I might as well come to terms with the fact that I will continually have a financial need but I am not to worry about this need - that my God will provide for the finances I require. That I will continually have a need to clothe myself, my children, have food for the table, have a shelter over my head, have enough to give away, have enough to use for God's kingdom, have enough to pay the people I hire, have enough to pay the people I owe... and to also know that I don't have to worry about how I am going to meet these needs.
When I say to not worry, I don't mean to be irresponsible. I mean, to not be excessive about how much time I put into gaining income - ie. not to have my main focus in life on meeting my financial needs - because this can be very debilitating for me. As an ex-accountant, I can be very detailed in how I manage my finances, and this can be very time consuming so much so that it'll take up all my life! So for me, I have to let go of some of these detailed managing of our personal finances and it means that I am giving up some control over it. It frees me up to do other things in life like spend time with friends, children, husband, cooking, get involve in my community etc. But I'd have to give up the nitty gritty stuff about finances. So, some level of financial irresponsibility is necessary for me. For others, this is not financial irresponsibility, it's just ignorance and perhaps for me, ignorance is bliss in this case! (I don't always think ignorance is bliss and good but in this circumstance, I believe, if it gives a more balance lifestyle, yes). So, I need to shed off some financial responsibility. And I think, over the years, I have done that and at times, this means some financial hick-ups for us. My initial response had been :oh,if only I had been more..." but you know what? If I had been doing more in my finances... I would be doing less in other areas of my life... so I need to be okay with the hick-ups that happens because I have finite resources. And, having dealt with that, I am now okay with that.
I need to trust that God will provide but I also need to know what He is calling me to do. Having been so focused on finances, knowing what He wants me to do with my gifts and talents is now my dilemma. It now frees me up to rediscover my passion in life again. To do things like volunteer my service to my local community and to see lives change. To help others with the same problems I have/had. To bring healing and hope to wounded souls because that's what Jesus came and died for and commissioned me to do.
Feels good to be back on track again!
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