In my few minutes of peace in the toilet today, I reflected on where I am today and instantly I was brought back to when I was a teenager of about 18 years of age. When I came to a point in my life when the pressures of this world became overwhelming and becoming a successful person in this world weighed heavily on my shoulders. In my world and my mind then, success was measured in how well one performs in life; how much money one is able to command, how comfortable one is and how good one looks etc. It was obvious that if I wanted these things, I have to earn it myself or go and get them myself. I had to have qualifications and have qualities that attract employers who will then remunerate me. My love for God and spirituality was not going to give me those things, or so I thought. Hence I made the decision to put my head down and learn the ways of this world, so that I may succeed in this world or at least get enough income to give me some pleasures in life.
This meant Godly things had to take second place. And in my mind then, to put God in second place is just as good as being a non-believer. So I walked away from my faith, called myself an agnostic and steered myself away from getting involved in Church and church activities. What took me away was the lack of faith that God will provide for my needs if I trusted in Him and followed my heart and did what I loved. That maybe I did not have to do it on my own. I loved the ways of God, and love being in that safe bubble. If I had believed that it wasn't a bubble but a reality, life would have taken quite a different turn for me.
Today, I felt like I was at that place again where I have the choice to trust God or to run with my own steam. That I could trust in Him to provide, to rest and abide in Him; doing what He's asking me to do without having to run around like a chook with its head cut off to ensure I have enough to pay my bills (and believe me, they are huge). And today, I choose to stay in the presence of my Almighty God and to trust that He will provide; that I do not have to control my own destiny - I just have to listen to what He's telling me today, and to obey Him.
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