Anyway, we got talking about how challenging parenting is and how her almost 2 year old is behaving these days. We discussed about what we should do with children's misbehaviours, their tantrums, their challenging and trying behaviours. For some reason, that made me feel better. It made me realise that I have found parenting particularly difficult the last week because I have not been able to look after myself first. Often I know the right parenting thing to do but circumstances around me make me vulnerable to making the wrong choices. When I don't look after myself first, all my control buttons seem to pop up with a "PUSH ME" sign and Ky invariably pushes it like a toy!
I have been a bit runned-down from a cough I developed over the last week. So between waking up to tend to Ky and having bouts of uncontrollable coughs, I would only manage to catch less than 4 hours of sleep each night. And with work deadlines and other tasks that are pilling up to be done, I have found myself a bit short tempered, not being able to see past the circumstances lately. I know that if I don't want my behaviour to have long term effects on Ky, I will have to just look after myself first so I can create the nurturing environment that he needs. So, my immediate tasks is to get more sleep - by hook or by crook so I can think and parent better!
There are basically 3 types of parenting styles:
1) Authoritarian
2) Permissive
3) Affirmative (A balanced combination of the two above).
I was curious what I would come under although I already knew that I would like to come under the third category so I did a test online. I was pleased to find that I had come under the Affirmative parent.
Yet, I find keeping that balance the hardest task as a parent. It is quite easy to resort to either bribery (chocolate/toys/sweets etc) or threat (spanking etc) - whichever works to give you that minute break from all the whining and tantrums. It's a big price for some short-term peace and quiet. It's a short-term measure with long term repurcussions that may lead to future extreme behaviours like disrespect for authority, rebellion, workaholic, alcoholic, perfectionistic, neurotic or narcissistic and etc.
Balanced Parenting is a 24x7 challenge, but let us help each other to provide a positive nurturing environment that is conducive for our children's healthy holistic growth!
10 comments:
This is one heck of a lousy quiz. Let me explain.
Trust me. Almost all respondents will be an Affirmative parent on 2 counts.
1) The author of quiz obviously dress up the "correct answer" with great effort and not so for the rest. Naturally, the answer that we chose would more often then not, the one that the author is leading us to i.e. (c).
2) Mind you, we are sitting down calmly in front of the computer when taking this quiz. Come crunch time when you are ACTUALLY facing the described problem in real life and real time, are we still able to be so calm and rational?
I personally would like to but I am not sure if I could in that split second.
Perhaps in my own words, let me describe what kind of a parent I would be or at the very least I would like to be.
I would like to be a Permissive parent but with a twist.
I would like to let my kids decide what kind of a parent they want me to be.
I would show them what actions will lead to what kind of a reaction from me i.e. goodies for good behavior and punishment for bad behavior.
I insist on having a rotan in the house is not to really want to whack them with it but to introduce the rotan to them and have them understand what are the "options" available to them for the various range of behavior that they wish to exhibit.
Bottomline is that I want to inculcate in them, a sense of taking responsibility for their own actions i.e. think before they leap.
Hahaha... "dad2two"... I like that. How "ingenious" hor? ;)
What do you think will happen when your kids work out that the rotan is just a white elephant?
Can I entice you to read http://lifematters.com/parenting_and_discipline.asp about disciplining with punishment and rewards? It basically says it makes them make choices based on the rewards/punishment rather than on being a responsible and respectful individual.
But I know what you mean about being tested on the spot. I think we will from time to time make the wrong decision on discipline but it's what we tend to do most of the time that matters.
I think it's good role modelling to be able to apologise to your child when you've done something wrong. They will learn that mum and dad aren't perfect but it's okay to make mistakes and admit to wrong and ask for forgiveness.
I agree with dad2two that this test is rather weak.
I had a hard time picking any answers - since none are my style.
I did sneak past the post as an Affirmative parent though.
Personally I think I am a cross between authoritarian and permissive.
I establish clear boundaries for my kids (ages 4 and 6), but am pretty lax about what they actually do within those boundaries.
I try to raise my kids to be independent, free thinking, assertive, and initiative taking (but let's be honest these are ideals that are hard on teh nerves when your kid asks you for the 27th time in half an hour if we can go to McDonald's even though your answer has been "no" each time - how do you reward persistence while getting them to understand no means no? Or, they decide to bake a cake, while you are cleaning downstairs, how do you reward initiative while making them understand, for the umpteenth time, that they are too young to be cooking unsupervised - and besides, who is going to clean up the mess?)
I find it hard to be absolutely affirmative, even though that's the desired state. I'd like to think that I'm all of each at different times, even though it may not be consistent to the child.
I think there is a place to be each but wisdom should be the guiding principle in the practice of each.
Still, these are theories, and I usually know more than I practice. God guide me, please.
By the sound of it, we're all affirmative parents then!
Affirmative is the balance between authoritarian and permissive. It's the parent that says, hey, I need to direct and discipline but I also need to let my child know that he/she can have a say in things as well so they don't grow up feeling powerless and voiceless.
Then, there's age-appropriateness as well that comes into discipline. To me finding that balance (wisdom as Mother-Superior puts it) is sometimes very challenging and I don't always think of an affirmative solution on the spot.
I see I'm not the only one, though! That's why it's so important for parents to be whole(body, mind & spirit) and have a sound logical mind to base our decisions on rather than react to situations based on our own childhood experiences.
Richard: You make me laugh with your example of having to say no to MacDonalds for the 27th time in half an hour. The affirmative response would be, "We will go to MacDonald's if you pick out something healthy. If not, we will have to go home straight away. Is that a deal?".
Or if you've already been to MacDonalds 3 times that day, you can then say, "My dear, MacDonalds is only a treat. We don't eat it everyday, or 3 times a day. Would you like a sandwich of your choice instead or have nothing."
As to the baking - you can say, "Yes, you can bake if you would wait till I finish cleaning so I can help you. Otherwise, you can go out and play in the yard instead." or "No, we've just baked yesterday. We don't bake everyday. I'll let you bake again tomorrow if you promise you'll help me clean up after."
What do you think? Do you think that would work??? Again, I'm all seated and logical and my control buttons are not beeping away. But maybe the solution is to just pause a minute so we can think before we response?
Typically, my or my wife's response to try and appeal to the children's sense of reason.
Ha ha! Good luck! Children are very single minded and just lock onto an idea.
Typical exchange would be:
Child: Can we go to McDonald’s
Me: Is today your birthday?
Child: No.
Me: McDonald's is a special treat, so we can't go every day otherwise it won't be special.
(30 seconds later)
Child: Can we go to McDonald's?
Me: What special reason would be have to go to McDonald's?
Child: I would love you very, very, very much.
Me: That's nice, but it also costs money and I don't have money right now.
Child: You could use your MasterCard.
Me: I still have to pay the money on the MasterCard. Do you have money to give me to help me pay?
Child: No.
(30 seconds later)
Child: Do you have your MasterCard?
Me: Yes.
Child: We could use that to go to McDonald's.
And on it goes.
I never give them a curt "No", reasoning is always the way to go. They are persistent, they are focussed on the goal, reasons are not going to stand in the way of their goal. How I wish I could be as focussed on the goal as they are.
Alanita: I'm more than happy for you to link my blog to yours. I'm happy to do an exchange too.
Apparently (according to psychological theories), a combination of the 2 is the ideal. The other 2 are extreme types of parenting that cause psychological baggages in adults.
Richard,reasoning is great. Age-appropriate reasoning is also helpful. Afterall, they are still only 4 & 6 year olds. All in good time!
That why we parents need a supernatural dose of patience and ability to overlook things like water over duck's back. Sounds like you're taking it all in good stride though. Good on ya!
While reasoning with a young kid can be tricky, I certainly know Tania is capable of it.
I think Jason is too, but his language skills are poorer than Tania's (whose language skills are far beyond the norm).
And patience, well, we go through it like water.
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