Following my previous post, I just wanted to talk a little bit about this passage (Matt 5:13-16). I would have found the verse myself, but it was late and I just wanted to jot down my thoughts quickly, so thanks to Richard for telling me what the reference is for my previous post!
I know some people would interprete the verse to say that we as Christians must be responsible for our behaviour or be a stumbling block to others or worse, risk losing our salvation if we don't exhibit characters that shine for God. What I find with a lot Christians is that the emphasis on striving for holiness and what's right is heavier than the emphasis on why we became Christians in the first place.
Granted there are a lot of reasons why different people call themselves Christians. Some think because they are born in a Christian family, they are Christians. Others think because the country they live in has a Christian heritage, that makes them a Christian. And some others think because they are living a Christian lifestyle (going to church, praying, doing good works) they are a Christian. To me, a Christian is one who seeks to know the Lord in an intimate way. One who strives to have a genuine authentic relationship with the Lord. One that bears his soul to the Lord. And through that relationship, a transformation takes place and a person is changed inside out, not outside in. To me, The Light Of The World shines from within and throughout. As Nicky Gumble (Alpha Speaker) said something to this effect, "going to church doesn't make you a christian, just as going to McDonald's doesn't make one a hamburger". The Light of the World shines because he or she has met with God and has experienced the overwhelming grace of God.
Sometimes that transformation takes a long time for some because of the harsh background that they come from. That transformation is corelated with how easily that person can come into a genuine authentic relationship with God. We live in such a broken world, that type of relationship does not come naturally for most people. It takes healing and inner change and growth for an individual to come to that place of relationship.
So to me, that Light is not about works or doing good but it's about the conditions of our souls/hearts. To me, the salt in the verse (Matt 5:13) is the passion in our hearts for that restoration of a beautiful relationship with God. A soul without that passion or fire is as good as dead. The good works is an end result of that intimate relationship with God that others cannot help but see because light cannot be hidden no matter how you try.
We are a moral agent because we have the law of God written in our hearts (Romans 2:14-16)) and both Christians and Non-Christians have that, but doing right and being good in itself doesn't necessarily restore our relationship with our Father in Heaven and neither does it free us from the bondages of sin.
There's no denying that we are a moral agent, we are created by God in His image and God is a moral agent, but does that mean that we should not integrate psychology which has its origins in humanistic views in our spiritual pursuits? This will have to be my next serious post...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Thursday, May 11, 2006
"We Are A Moral Agent" - So What Does That Mean?
The surmon on Sunday was given by an elder and he spoke on "If a salt has lost it's saltiness, what good is it? Might as well throw it away" (Mum2One's paraphrased version of Matthew chapter 5, verse... can't remember). Our senior pastors are away for a few weeks. It was the first week I sat down and listened to almost the whole surmon without getting interrupted since I become a mum! Sometimes I think, it doesn't make any difference, because I get more frustrated by the sweeping statements and ignorance of the preacher.
I think the surmon was supposed to get everyone to return to their conscience and to start being accountable for our actions. It's supposed to make us get back on holiness and on the things of God. Sadly, for me, it came across as being critical of Psychology with sweeping accusations of what Psychology does and he seemed to have lost sight that whilst God has the highest standard when it comes to morality, NONE of us are spared of the ugliness of sin. That sinful nature shows up in our behaviour and character and our thoughts. Now, if we dismiss psychology, which is the study of the mind, or the soul (for those of us who believe in souls and that the soul and the mind are intertwined) then we dismiss the fall of Man, we do not understand human nature, and we are not able to accept who we really are, our curse and the process of sanctification.
Sure, conversion is instantaneously but sanctification is a lifelong process. If we interprete that verse according to how moral we are, then I think lots of us will be in the rubbish bin, discarded and unuseable. But if sanctification is a lifelong process, then surely some of us are more salty than others depending on how long we've started that process. I guess if I have to interprete that verse according to how it was preached today, I would say that even the most reduced salt agent cannot be discarded because he/she still bears some, even if very little, saltiness.
I find myself disagreeing with a many preachings. It's not that I don't agree that we should reflect on our 'lack-of's', strive for godliness and Christlike characters but more so with their lack of cohesiveness in their argument with reality and relevance. I'm learning not to react too much after hearing preachings like that but I need to blog this out so it's out of my system.
I hope I'm making sense because it's past midnight. I'm probably suffering from incohesiveness myself!!!
I think the surmon was supposed to get everyone to return to their conscience and to start being accountable for our actions. It's supposed to make us get back on holiness and on the things of God. Sadly, for me, it came across as being critical of Psychology with sweeping accusations of what Psychology does and he seemed to have lost sight that whilst God has the highest standard when it comes to morality, NONE of us are spared of the ugliness of sin. That sinful nature shows up in our behaviour and character and our thoughts. Now, if we dismiss psychology, which is the study of the mind, or the soul (for those of us who believe in souls and that the soul and the mind are intertwined) then we dismiss the fall of Man, we do not understand human nature, and we are not able to accept who we really are, our curse and the process of sanctification.
Sure, conversion is instantaneously but sanctification is a lifelong process. If we interprete that verse according to how moral we are, then I think lots of us will be in the rubbish bin, discarded and unuseable. But if sanctification is a lifelong process, then surely some of us are more salty than others depending on how long we've started that process. I guess if I have to interprete that verse according to how it was preached today, I would say that even the most reduced salt agent cannot be discarded because he/she still bears some, even if very little, saltiness.
I find myself disagreeing with a many preachings. It's not that I don't agree that we should reflect on our 'lack-of's', strive for godliness and Christlike characters but more so with their lack of cohesiveness in their argument with reality and relevance. I'm learning not to react too much after hearing preachings like that but I need to blog this out so it's out of my system.
I hope I'm making sense because it's past midnight. I'm probably suffering from incohesiveness myself!!!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
My Creative Side
Today I decided to spend some time beautifying myself. I took out all my nail care product and gave myself a manicure. I'm so glad I did because I had so much fun and rediscovered the reason to why I did a nail technology course. I kind of lost interest in the nail care side of things since my son was born. My nail care prior to today only involved clipping all my nails short every couple of weeks. No filing, hand massage, soaking in softener, pushing back and trimming the cuticles, buffing and putting on nail polish. Doing the works was very relaxing.
I must be coping better with motherhood now because last week, I suddenly got this urge to do a bit of decoration around the house. I've been wanting to make my son's room a bit more colourful and turn it into a room he can play as well as sleep in but the motivation to getting round to it was a bit lacking. And I finally got sick of having work papers mingling amongst my personal paperwork and decided to turn the guest room into my office.
I went down to the one and only furniture store in town and paid through the nose for an office chair with arm support and I also bought a rug (kid's size only because I wanted to be able to move it easily to still clean the floor without more work) in this sudden burst of change. It was only later that I thought perhaps I should have done the shopping online to save a bit but then I would have had to wait at least 2 weeks before I got what I wanted right away. All enthusiasm would have probably simmered by then! So much for retail therapy online! I must say, this is a real bummer about living here.
Anyway, I thought I show/share what I've done! I was going to critique on the surmon today about being a moral agent but just had to get this out of my system first before I went on to something more serious... hehehe.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Can Social Democracy Stand The Test of Time?
Since last Monday, my broadband has been down following cyclone Monica. The router between us and Darwin is apparently broken down and will take more than a week to fix. So I signed up for dial-up as my back-up only to find the phone lines were working intermittently only.
It has been very frustrating because I have been in a middle of a very interesting discussion at a fellow good friend and blogger’s site, Jaywalk, on the topic of Singapore’s political system as the country faces its next election. And because I only have very limited access to internet for the past week, I have been more preoccupied with the discussions happening there when I can get access to the net. (BTW, thanks Jay for the stimulation that I get from your site.)
What started the discussion was a TV forum the Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew (LKY) had with the Singapore’s young adults of today. They did not experience the hard slog of the country from the time LKY won the Singapore’s first election after the colonial hand over, and the effort it took to make Singapore the prosperous, modern city it is today in South East Asia. I read somewhere today (in an older version of the Lonely Planet at the library) and it says the young generation of today wants more than financial stability and brains, it wants a HEART. I thought, that really sums up what I feel is lacking in the Singapore political system.
My thoughts have been: Can a socialistic democratic country like Singapore who sacrifices the individual right for the betterment of the collective good, be better than the democratic society where individual rights are upheld and protected but the country faces other hairy problems related to the freedom of speech? When one compares the safety and stability of Singapore to countries like the US, UK and other western countries, human nature’s basic need for security would make the Singapore style of governance quite attractive at first glance. But could the country sustain that over time when the individual’s rights to freedom of speech and choice that is outside of the government’s values and beliefs are impinged upon, and the individual feels oppressed and suppressed?
One thing that came up in the discussion very profusely is that the Singapore government is not loosening their rein on the freedom of speech because the citizens are not yet matured enough to be accountable for such freedom and therefore cannot have true democracy. Whether the country is ready for true democracy is determined by the government who will know when the time is right for the people of Singapore to experience true democracy. Will that ever happen, given most of the oppositions were almost always accused of defamation and sued to oblivion? And why are the rights of the individual citizens relinquished to the goverment in a theoretically democratic country who goes through the process of election and all? Doesn't that give the government all the more right to exercise further control and perpetuate the lack of freedom of individual? Is that an example of an over protective parent who refuses to cut lose the apron’s string and continues to control the child well into his adulthood giving him no chance to learn to stand up on his own two feet, thus going through life with a lack of confidence to be an adult in his own right?
Don’t get me wrong, I think Singapore has benefited a lot from the PAP’s rule and LKY has done a lot of good for the country since its independence 40 years ago, compared to it’s counterparts in Asia. Many people from western cultures love to visit the country because it is a safe, clean city with modern infrastructure. I just wonder what will happen going forward because a country is dynamic and society changes. The needs of a society will change and will Singaporeans remain happy and content with economic prosperity and stability for the sacrifice of the loss of individual and minority rights should the current political ground remains status quo?
It’ll be interesting to see if the majority of Singaporean starts stepping outside its comfort zone and start taking risks to see what is available outside the rule of the PAP. It may amount to nothing and worse still costs the country the loss of their current great economic status or it might amount to a discovery of an identity they never thought they were capable of. I think, that will be when the country truly grows up as a society in its own right, when it can make decisions and choices without clinging on to its past clutches and baggages.
DISCLAIMER: This is not a writing with a political agenda to influence, criticise or defame the current government of Singapore in any shape or form. What has been written here cannot be used as reference or to back-up any other views or arguments in any other discussions other than within the comments in this personal post. It is an imperfect individual blogger’s view and thoughts, and is personal. As to the reliability of this writing, it is the readers’ responsibility to find that out for themselves the truth or falsity regarding what's written. The author takes no responsibility to any incorrectly stated fact as it is the author’s impression and thoughts of the topic only.
All discussions following this post are merely personal chats only and cannot be used for any cause or referencing. All comments does not bear any political agenda and cannot be used for any political agendas.
It has been very frustrating because I have been in a middle of a very interesting discussion at a fellow good friend and blogger’s site, Jaywalk, on the topic of Singapore’s political system as the country faces its next election. And because I only have very limited access to internet for the past week, I have been more preoccupied with the discussions happening there when I can get access to the net. (BTW, thanks Jay for the stimulation that I get from your site.)
What started the discussion was a TV forum the Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew (LKY) had with the Singapore’s young adults of today. They did not experience the hard slog of the country from the time LKY won the Singapore’s first election after the colonial hand over, and the effort it took to make Singapore the prosperous, modern city it is today in South East Asia. I read somewhere today (in an older version of the Lonely Planet at the library) and it says the young generation of today wants more than financial stability and brains, it wants a HEART. I thought, that really sums up what I feel is lacking in the Singapore political system.
My thoughts have been: Can a socialistic democratic country like Singapore who sacrifices the individual right for the betterment of the collective good, be better than the democratic society where individual rights are upheld and protected but the country faces other hairy problems related to the freedom of speech? When one compares the safety and stability of Singapore to countries like the US, UK and other western countries, human nature’s basic need for security would make the Singapore style of governance quite attractive at first glance. But could the country sustain that over time when the individual’s rights to freedom of speech and choice that is outside of the government’s values and beliefs are impinged upon, and the individual feels oppressed and suppressed?
One thing that came up in the discussion very profusely is that the Singapore government is not loosening their rein on the freedom of speech because the citizens are not yet matured enough to be accountable for such freedom and therefore cannot have true democracy. Whether the country is ready for true democracy is determined by the government who will know when the time is right for the people of Singapore to experience true democracy. Will that ever happen, given most of the oppositions were almost always accused of defamation and sued to oblivion? And why are the rights of the individual citizens relinquished to the goverment in a theoretically democratic country who goes through the process of election and all? Doesn't that give the government all the more right to exercise further control and perpetuate the lack of freedom of individual? Is that an example of an over protective parent who refuses to cut lose the apron’s string and continues to control the child well into his adulthood giving him no chance to learn to stand up on his own two feet, thus going through life with a lack of confidence to be an adult in his own right?
Don’t get me wrong, I think Singapore has benefited a lot from the PAP’s rule and LKY has done a lot of good for the country since its independence 40 years ago, compared to it’s counterparts in Asia. Many people from western cultures love to visit the country because it is a safe, clean city with modern infrastructure. I just wonder what will happen going forward because a country is dynamic and society changes. The needs of a society will change and will Singaporeans remain happy and content with economic prosperity and stability for the sacrifice of the loss of individual and minority rights should the current political ground remains status quo?
It’ll be interesting to see if the majority of Singaporean starts stepping outside its comfort zone and start taking risks to see what is available outside the rule of the PAP. It may amount to nothing and worse still costs the country the loss of their current great economic status or it might amount to a discovery of an identity they never thought they were capable of. I think, that will be when the country truly grows up as a society in its own right, when it can make decisions and choices without clinging on to its past clutches and baggages.
DISCLAIMER: This is not a writing with a political agenda to influence, criticise or defame the current government of Singapore in any shape or form. What has been written here cannot be used as reference or to back-up any other views or arguments in any other discussions other than within the comments in this personal post. It is an imperfect individual blogger’s view and thoughts, and is personal. As to the reliability of this writing, it is the readers’ responsibility to find that out for themselves the truth or falsity regarding what's written. The author takes no responsibility to any incorrectly stated fact as it is the author’s impression and thoughts of the topic only.
All discussions following this post are merely personal chats only and cannot be used for any cause or referencing. All comments does not bear any political agenda and cannot be used for any political agendas.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep
I saw on the news last week about the change from Baa Baa Black Sheep to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep . I copied this extract below:
" Nursery school bosses ordered the words of the rhyme Baa Baa Black Sheep to be altered to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep. The change was made to avoid offending children after teachers examined the nursery's equal opportunities policy. Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Sure Start Centre in Oxford, could not explain why children might be offended. But he said: "No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else. "We've taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do. "This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules." "
I think this is political correctness taken too far. I'm asian and I don't mind if people use terms like nip, slanty eyes or ching chong if they're using them in jest. I think, what matters more is the context of which they are used. If they are being used in a discriminatory context out of pure prejudice then I would be offended but if they are used because it sounds funny and the person is bringing across a point, then I won't get offended.
For minority groups to feel offended because the word "black" is used when black can also refer to a colour (black sheep do exist!) is taking their right too far. But I think it's not the black people that are upset but rather brainless people interpreting the anti-discriminatory law in a literal manner rather than "in the spirit of the law".
How ludricrous! It's a perfect example of an under-developed logical depth in the issue and theory of ethics!
Anyone care to reason with me?
" Nursery school bosses ordered the words of the rhyme Baa Baa Black Sheep to be altered to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep. The change was made to avoid offending children after teachers examined the nursery's equal opportunities policy. Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Sure Start Centre in Oxford, could not explain why children might be offended. But he said: "No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else. "We've taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do. "This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules." "
I think this is political correctness taken too far. I'm asian and I don't mind if people use terms like nip, slanty eyes or ching chong if they're using them in jest. I think, what matters more is the context of which they are used. If they are being used in a discriminatory context out of pure prejudice then I would be offended but if they are used because it sounds funny and the person is bringing across a point, then I won't get offended.
For minority groups to feel offended because the word "black" is used when black can also refer to a colour (black sheep do exist!) is taking their right too far. But I think it's not the black people that are upset but rather brainless people interpreting the anti-discriminatory law in a literal manner rather than "in the spirit of the law".
How ludricrous! It's a perfect example of an under-developed logical depth in the issue and theory of ethics!
Anyone care to reason with me?
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Cyclone Monica Part II
See where the eye of the cyclone is? We are just about 3cm below the eye. We've been officially been cleared of getting hit by the Australian Biggest Cyclone ever with winds at 350-400km/hr. There were rumours that this was going to be called a category 6 (no such thing at the moment), because this category 5 is so huge.
There's still heavy rain and strong winds, as we are still getting the outskirts of the cyclone. It's now expected to go westwards and Darwin is now the next on watch. Glad to be home rather than the hospital!
THANK GOD that we were protected from the eye or even the inner core of the Monica would have been pretty deadly. As we experienced the inner core of Ingrid (category 4) last year, there were more damage done to the town.
All in all, it's not nice to be at the mercy of something so huge and destructive, but God is in control of even cyclone Monica, what a relief!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Nature or Nurture?
Well, apparently cyclone Monica isn't coming till Sunday afternoon now. Since I've spent the last couple of days frantically preparing for her to hit us Saturday morning, I guess I can sit back and just wait her arrival now.
So, on a lighter note, I have been doing some comparison between girls and boys ever since my son came along.
Seriously, although everyone says my boy is such a good boy, how he's so good natured and beautiful, when it's just between the two of us, he can be very rough. He pulls my hair, climbs all over me, loves jumping on me and bouncing off me and goes absolutely crazy. I must admit sometimes I would wonder if this child has got ADHD but when I compare him with other boys, he is pretty normal and even err on the gentler side. He can sit still and 'read' (he loves flipping through books) a book and he explores his surrounding while the other boys around him are busy making the other children cry. Mind you, he can also give as good as he gets (hair pulling and pinching) when he's in the mood. So compared to other boys, he's normal. But compared to girls, he's a handful and very physical.
I've also noticed how he loves cars and would skip the soft toys in the toy shop. Now I've never given him a car toy until he could say the word car. But I've given him lots of soft toys as a baby. It really puzzles me. There was once there was a girl (a couple of years older than my boy though) in the same toy shop and the contrast couldn't be sharper. She was going to a soft toy, saying "aaaawww... how cute" and my son was banging away at all the cars he could see in sight! Maybe it's the age difference as well. I'm not sure. I'm still observing but at the moment I'm inclined towards the view that some behaviours are definitely testerone induced!
Men and women are biologically different not only in the physical sense but in the chemical sense as well. Men are wired differently from women. Thus, may be, James Dobson's book, Bringing Up Boys need a closer look. Apparently it's written with that view that God has made boys to operate differently and therefore needs to be nurtured with a different mindset rather than boys and girls are born asexual and are nurtured to become boys or girls. (The books is finally on it's way here in the next bookshop order by my church).
I used to think the differences between men and women were more factors of nurture than nature. But I'm beginning to change my views.
What's your view?
So, on a lighter note, I have been doing some comparison between girls and boys ever since my son came along.
Seriously, although everyone says my boy is such a good boy, how he's so good natured and beautiful, when it's just between the two of us, he can be very rough. He pulls my hair, climbs all over me, loves jumping on me and bouncing off me and goes absolutely crazy. I must admit sometimes I would wonder if this child has got ADHD but when I compare him with other boys, he is pretty normal and even err on the gentler side. He can sit still and 'read' (he loves flipping through books) a book and he explores his surrounding while the other boys around him are busy making the other children cry. Mind you, he can also give as good as he gets (hair pulling and pinching) when he's in the mood. So compared to other boys, he's normal. But compared to girls, he's a handful and very physical.
I've also noticed how he loves cars and would skip the soft toys in the toy shop. Now I've never given him a car toy until he could say the word car. But I've given him lots of soft toys as a baby. It really puzzles me. There was once there was a girl (a couple of years older than my boy though) in the same toy shop and the contrast couldn't be sharper. She was going to a soft toy, saying "aaaawww... how cute" and my son was banging away at all the cars he could see in sight! Maybe it's the age difference as well. I'm not sure. I'm still observing but at the moment I'm inclined towards the view that some behaviours are definitely testerone induced!
Men and women are biologically different not only in the physical sense but in the chemical sense as well. Men are wired differently from women. Thus, may be, James Dobson's book, Bringing Up Boys need a closer look. Apparently it's written with that view that God has made boys to operate differently and therefore needs to be nurtured with a different mindset rather than boys and girls are born asexual and are nurtured to become boys or girls. (The books is finally on it's way here in the next bookshop order by my church).
I used to think the differences between men and women were more factors of nurture than nature. But I'm beginning to change my views.
What's your view?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Cyclone Monica
Cyclone Monica is coming our way. We are being warned to be prepared for a cyclone in the next 48-72 hours. I heard at the playground today a mum mentioned that the barge that brings our twice a week supply of grocery has been told to turn back due to the cyclone. So, I can imagine the supermarket shelves depleted tomorrow when I get there in the afternoon as I have to facilitate a mother's group in the morning. Hmmm... maybe I should try and get there before the group meeting but that would mean waking up at an unearthly hour to get Ky ready.
Then there's the probability that the power will be off again for days due to cyclone damages so I'd better also go get a generator so this time we can keep the fridges running. Maybe I should also consider buying a clothes dryer (it usually pours for days after a cyclone) and stock up on the batteries and candles... what else should I do? Oh yes, get some important papers together so if we have to evacuate to the hospital for cyclone shelter, and if we do come home to a wreck, I have my insurance papers and passports, etc. Hmmm... I'd better back-up my hard drive too.
Anything else I should do?
Then there's the probability that the power will be off again for days due to cyclone damages so I'd better also go get a generator so this time we can keep the fridges running. Maybe I should also consider buying a clothes dryer (it usually pours for days after a cyclone) and stock up on the batteries and candles... what else should I do? Oh yes, get some important papers together so if we have to evacuate to the hospital for cyclone shelter, and if we do come home to a wreck, I have my insurance papers and passports, etc. Hmmm... I'd better back-up my hard drive too.
Anything else I should do?
Best Husband Award
I have to acknowledge the great support and effort my husband has given me over the 4 day-long weekend. I already appreciate his support with the housework and with parenting our son. I think he's a great dad and husband but this weekend, I thought he deserved an oscar awards like the one Mother-Superior's husband got for her from the States.
As I was pretty runned down by the end of last week, I told hubs that I needed him to do the waking up during the night over the 4 day-long weekend since he wasn't going to work. Hopefully Ky would get back to sleeping longer as well without the breastfeeds.
Not only did he wake up all throughout the night for the whole 4 nights, he let me sleep in and took Ky out as much as he could to give me a break! At a garden party we went to on Sunday night, he watched Ky the whole time while I sat and chatted with the ladies the whole night. By the end of the long weekend, I felt soooo much better and more energised and Ky was starting to sleep better.
How's that for a wonderful father and husband! I feel really bad though when hubs came down with a cough and cold at his first day back at work! :o(
As I was pretty runned down by the end of last week, I told hubs that I needed him to do the waking up during the night over the 4 day-long weekend since he wasn't going to work. Hopefully Ky would get back to sleeping longer as well without the breastfeeds.
Not only did he wake up all throughout the night for the whole 4 nights, he let me sleep in and took Ky out as much as he could to give me a break! At a garden party we went to on Sunday night, he watched Ky the whole time while I sat and chatted with the ladies the whole night. By the end of the long weekend, I felt soooo much better and more energised and Ky was starting to sleep better.
How's that for a wonderful father and husband! I feel really bad though when hubs came down with a cough and cold at his first day back at work! :o(
Friday, April 14, 2006
3 Parenting Styles - Which Are You?
I've just been to a Tapas party hosted by the most amazing host. She has 2 children under the age of two and she still manages to cook for a party of 12!
Anyway, we got talking about how challenging parenting is and how her almost 2 year old is behaving these days. We discussed about what we should do with children's misbehaviours, their tantrums, their challenging and trying behaviours. For some reason, that made me feel better. It made me realise that I have found parenting particularly difficult the last week because I have not been able to look after myself first. Often I know the right parenting thing to do but circumstances around me make me vulnerable to making the wrong choices. When I don't look after myself first, all my control buttons seem to pop up with a "PUSH ME" sign and Ky invariably pushes it like a toy!
I have been a bit runned-down from a cough I developed over the last week. So between waking up to tend to Ky and having bouts of uncontrollable coughs, I would only manage to catch less than 4 hours of sleep each night. And with work deadlines and other tasks that are pilling up to be done, I have found myself a bit short tempered, not being able to see past the circumstances lately. I know that if I don't want my behaviour to have long term effects on Ky, I will have to just look after myself first so I can create the nurturing environment that he needs. So, my immediate tasks is to get more sleep - by hook or by crook so I can think and parent better!
There are basically 3 types of parenting styles:
1) Authoritarian
Anyway, we got talking about how challenging parenting is and how her almost 2 year old is behaving these days. We discussed about what we should do with children's misbehaviours, their tantrums, their challenging and trying behaviours. For some reason, that made me feel better. It made me realise that I have found parenting particularly difficult the last week because I have not been able to look after myself first. Often I know the right parenting thing to do but circumstances around me make me vulnerable to making the wrong choices. When I don't look after myself first, all my control buttons seem to pop up with a "PUSH ME" sign and Ky invariably pushes it like a toy!
I have been a bit runned-down from a cough I developed over the last week. So between waking up to tend to Ky and having bouts of uncontrollable coughs, I would only manage to catch less than 4 hours of sleep each night. And with work deadlines and other tasks that are pilling up to be done, I have found myself a bit short tempered, not being able to see past the circumstances lately. I know that if I don't want my behaviour to have long term effects on Ky, I will have to just look after myself first so I can create the nurturing environment that he needs. So, my immediate tasks is to get more sleep - by hook or by crook so I can think and parent better!
There are basically 3 types of parenting styles:
1) Authoritarian
2) Permissive
3) Affirmative (A balanced combination of the two above).
I was curious what I would come under although I already knew that I would like to come under the third category so I did a test online. I was pleased to find that I had come under the Affirmative parent.
Yet, I find keeping that balance the hardest task as a parent. It is quite easy to resort to either bribery (chocolate/toys/sweets etc) or threat (spanking etc) - whichever works to give you that minute break from all the whining and tantrums. It's a big price for some short-term peace and quiet. It's a short-term measure with long term repurcussions that may lead to future extreme behaviours like disrespect for authority, rebellion, workaholic, alcoholic, perfectionistic, neurotic or narcissistic and etc.
Balanced Parenting is a 24x7 challenge, but let us help each other to provide a positive nurturing environment that is conducive for our children's healthy holistic growth!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Lesson in Haircut
I finally finished my monthly deadline for my client and thought I make a short post of my boy today. I wish we could post movie clips as well on blogs because I have a good one of him and his playmate (3 weeks apart) dancing away to the tune of the 'Entertainer'. Till then, this will suffice for now.
T
This is a picture of my boy before I decided to spruce up his hair with gel. I intended the spiky look. When I found that his hair was too heavy because it was too long, I decided to get the clippers out. Well, no. 4 would be a good length I thought. Alas, it was not a normal setting clippers. For some reason, it has 8 settings and the no. 4 turned out to look like this....
Well, it's now too short to be spiked up. I'm glad nonetheless that he still looks as adorable as ever! He looks a lot more grown up with that hair cut, don't you think?
T
This is a picture of my boy before I decided to spruce up his hair with gel. I intended the spiky look. When I found that his hair was too heavy because it was too long, I decided to get the clippers out. Well, no. 4 would be a good length I thought. Alas, it was not a normal setting clippers. For some reason, it has 8 settings and the no. 4 turned out to look like this....
Well, it's now too short to be spiked up. I'm glad nonetheless that he still looks as adorable as ever! He looks a lot more grown up with that hair cut, don't you think?
Saturday, April 08, 2006
STRENGTH
Following from my last post, the legacy I would like to leave behind for my future generation is STRENGTH. I think it encompasses a whole lot of other character traits. Traits which makes a person able to withstand the problems and issues surrounding them and under all circumstances, be able to stand firm on his beliefs and values that will help him be successful in achieving his purpose in life.
I suppose my blogs and whatever other memoirs I may leave behind may be sources of strength for my future generation. A source that will hopefully point to the true source of strength, our Lord Jesus Christ.
Strength to lead, strength to stand firm in times of persecution, strength to choose the right from wrong, strength to love, strength to submit to one another, strength to be who they are born to be. Strength against condemnations, against the decaying morality of this world, against the counterfiet analgesics of this world - the relief of pain from drug and alcohol abuse and other debilitating addictions. Strength against the evil temptations of this world - pride, greed and selfishness.
Strength to know that they are free to have everything and be anything when they submit themselves to their Creator and Saviour, the triune God, the Father, the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ.
That's a big task!
I suppose my blogs and whatever other memoirs I may leave behind may be sources of strength for my future generation. A source that will hopefully point to the true source of strength, our Lord Jesus Christ.
Strength to lead, strength to stand firm in times of persecution, strength to choose the right from wrong, strength to love, strength to submit to one another, strength to be who they are born to be. Strength against condemnations, against the decaying morality of this world, against the counterfiet analgesics of this world - the relief of pain from drug and alcohol abuse and other debilitating addictions. Strength against the evil temptations of this world - pride, greed and selfishness.
Strength to know that they are free to have everything and be anything when they submit themselves to their Creator and Saviour, the triune God, the Father, the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ.
That's a big task!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Friday comes, Friday goes
I'm feeling better today until I realised that the week is almost over. If time goes as fast as it does now, very soon I'll be in my 40's and my son would be in school.
Talking about school, I remember when I used to sit in the classroom listening to my teachers. Most of them would probably had been in their early 20's. I used to think how much older they were. Now I'm in my mid-thirties and can't believe how fast each day and week passes by. Apart from the greater knowledge I now possess of life and a greater depth and understanding of the world I live in, I really do not feel like I'm 35. Memories of my teenage days does not seem so far away yet talking to my old friends now is a reality check of how much time has gone by.
I would never have thought that I would have to think about finances, investment, retirement, leaving an inheritance but most of all about leaving a legacy. It's Friday again and it's not going to slow down either.
One theory in developmental studies say that a person is more likely to accept old age when one feels that he or she has left a legacy they can be proud of. I also found out that mid-life crisis does not have to happen to everyone - only those who have trouble accepting the progession in the life-cycle.
If there was just ONE thing you would like to leave behind for the generations to come, what would that be? Time sure isn't slowing down for us...
Talking about school, I remember when I used to sit in the classroom listening to my teachers. Most of them would probably had been in their early 20's. I used to think how much older they were. Now I'm in my mid-thirties and can't believe how fast each day and week passes by. Apart from the greater knowledge I now possess of life and a greater depth and understanding of the world I live in, I really do not feel like I'm 35. Memories of my teenage days does not seem so far away yet talking to my old friends now is a reality check of how much time has gone by.
I would never have thought that I would have to think about finances, investment, retirement, leaving an inheritance but most of all about leaving a legacy. It's Friday again and it's not going to slow down either.
One theory in developmental studies say that a person is more likely to accept old age when one feels that he or she has left a legacy they can be proud of. I also found out that mid-life crisis does not have to happen to everyone - only those who have trouble accepting the progession in the life-cycle.
If there was just ONE thing you would like to leave behind for the generations to come, what would that be? Time sure isn't slowing down for us...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Tired
Time flies. I didn't realize I haven't blogged for 5 days! A bulk of my time is used to tend to my son. From the time he wakes till the time he sleeps. The only time I have to myself is when he sleeps - an hour and a half in the afternoon and after 8pm in the night. Sometimes I feel like just going to bed right after myself, but since it's the only time I have to myself, I fight to stay up no matter how little sleep I had the day before. When he doesn't sleep in the afternoon and wakes up every 3 hours in the night, I feel like I'm at breaking point. This week has been a bit like that.
So I haven't had much inspiration to write. I've just been enjoying reading my friends' blogs which is great at times like this. Jay-walk's blog has made me laugh a lot - thank you! Jomel's has ministered to my soul - thank you. Mother-Superior's has made me thankful I don't have to raise my child in Singapore's education system - I take my hat-off to you! I usually don't have lots of time to read a lot of blogs so I keep it to just a few and it's been worth a read.
Right now, I've got a gastro pain and a very sore throat. I hope it clears by tomorrow. So, I'm just gonna climb into my bed. Nite-nite!
So I haven't had much inspiration to write. I've just been enjoying reading my friends' blogs which is great at times like this. Jay-walk's blog has made me laugh a lot - thank you! Jomel's has ministered to my soul - thank you. Mother-Superior's has made me thankful I don't have to raise my child in Singapore's education system - I take my hat-off to you! I usually don't have lots of time to read a lot of blogs so I keep it to just a few and it's been worth a read.
Right now, I've got a gastro pain and a very sore throat. I hope it clears by tomorrow. So, I'm just gonna climb into my bed. Nite-nite!
Friday, March 31, 2006
What's your story?
I learnt that everyone of us has an important story to tell. Not just the best sellers, but normal people like you and me. That story makes us who we are and why we think and react the way we do. There's a therapy called Narrative Therapy where one's history is told or written, and from there a consciousness of what was lacking in the person's history is inventoried. The author then re-authors his life as he faces the future with the consciousness he now has of his past.
If you were to re-write your history, what would you have changed? How would you have liked to have related with the significant people in your life? How would you have handled the different difficult issues and people in your life? What would you have to unload moving forward? Tough questions, that require tough answers.
On the other note, when you meet people, remember that they have a story themselves. There's no right or wrong stories, just stories. Some sad stories, some happy stories, some uplifting stories, some simple day-to-day stories but all of them make them who they are today. Some are more open to telling their stories because they have come to terms with them and know that's not the end of their story yet. But there are some who prefer to hide them because they have problems coming to terms with their story and cannot move forward.
Finally, whether the things that happened to us are a blessing or a curse (for a beautiful story by Max Lucardo, read here) we do not know because our story has not yet ended and we may never know until we see God face to face. We can but make the best of what we know and can change and leave the rest to him, who is the author and finisher of our faith.
If you were to re-write your history, what would you have changed? How would you have liked to have related with the significant people in your life? How would you have handled the different difficult issues and people in your life? What would you have to unload moving forward? Tough questions, that require tough answers.
On the other note, when you meet people, remember that they have a story themselves. There's no right or wrong stories, just stories. Some sad stories, some happy stories, some uplifting stories, some simple day-to-day stories but all of them make them who they are today. Some are more open to telling their stories because they have come to terms with them and know that's not the end of their story yet. But there are some who prefer to hide them because they have problems coming to terms with their story and cannot move forward.
Finally, whether the things that happened to us are a blessing or a curse (for a beautiful story by Max Lucardo, read here) we do not know because our story has not yet ended and we may never know until we see God face to face. We can but make the best of what we know and can change and leave the rest to him, who is the author and finisher of our faith.
Parenting Joy
I was on my way to the post office and the supermarket for a few things just before lunch today with Ky in his usual car seat going about his usual self, chattering away in gibberish. As I turned into the town carpark, he started throwing what I thought was a tantrum for no rhyme or reason.
I noticed that he's been doing the same thing at the same turn for the past couple of days. I didn't think much of it the first few times it had happened but by today, I was getting a bit puzzled. So I studied him to try and see what he was trying to convey and he seemed to be pointing at the other direction as though to say that I shouldn't have made the turn into the carpark. So I went out of the carpark and went round the same way again. Instead of turning into the carpark this time, I went ahead. Within a few seconds his face lit up and there was a gleeful laughter. I couldn't believe the difference in reaction. As I reached the end of the street and turned right where the pool is, he started pointing to the pool in delight saying, "pool! pool!".
I was dumb founded. My 17 months old baby actually knows the way to the pool! He's been pretty good to ask for things by pointing to me up to this stage. I just didn't expect him to know road directions at this age.
When I finished my errands, I put him back in the carseat (we parked on the pool street instead of the carpark) to come home for his lunch and afternoon nap. He protested again looking earnestly at the pool and calling out, "water! water! pool!". So I made a promise that we will return later after his afternoon nap for a swim. I kept to my promise and he's a happy chappy.
I am glad I took the time to listen to what he's saying. I was surprised by what he could communicate to me and how much he knew. So he continues to surprise me with what he can do each day. The excitement of being a parent!
I noticed that he's been doing the same thing at the same turn for the past couple of days. I didn't think much of it the first few times it had happened but by today, I was getting a bit puzzled. So I studied him to try and see what he was trying to convey and he seemed to be pointing at the other direction as though to say that I shouldn't have made the turn into the carpark. So I went out of the carpark and went round the same way again. Instead of turning into the carpark this time, I went ahead. Within a few seconds his face lit up and there was a gleeful laughter. I couldn't believe the difference in reaction. As I reached the end of the street and turned right where the pool is, he started pointing to the pool in delight saying, "pool! pool!".
I was dumb founded. My 17 months old baby actually knows the way to the pool! He's been pretty good to ask for things by pointing to me up to this stage. I just didn't expect him to know road directions at this age.
When I finished my errands, I put him back in the carseat (we parked on the pool street instead of the carpark) to come home for his lunch and afternoon nap. He protested again looking earnestly at the pool and calling out, "water! water! pool!". So I made a promise that we will return later after his afternoon nap for a swim. I kept to my promise and he's a happy chappy.
I am glad I took the time to listen to what he's saying. I was surprised by what he could communicate to me and how much he knew. So he continues to surprise me with what he can do each day. The excitement of being a parent!
Sleep Schools
As to my hopes of getting my boy to sleep through the night... I did some research into control crying and whether I should start trying that out or any other variations of that method (comfort crying etc) for that matter. I stumbled on an article called Commentary: sleep in German infants--the "cult" of independence by Stephan R. Valentin . Pediatrics. Jan 2005 v115 i1 p269(3). It basically says that the control crying or the advocacy of independence in babies or early childhood is a German and Northern Europe thing (and eventually the Western culture took it on as well) where parents fear that the child will grow up not having the skills to be independent to make it in life. In Asian countries like Japan, it's found that the focus is to get the child to be open to people and to be community oriented. So control crying is not even considered.
Well, I can now be at peace with myself when someone asks, "Have you not done control crying?". I don't need to. I don't need to teach my son how to leap before he can walk. All in good time. He will be independent when he's secure and that's what he needs right now-security. With that type of independence (the one that is the result of attachment formed at early childhood), he won't have a problem with interdependency that is an essential ingredient for healthy relationships.
I'm sure control crying is good for mothers who have no choice but to go back to work full-time and to make sure they have a good night sleep because they have to be alert at work the next day. But I can just shuffle my days to suit myself if I've had a bad night, so why bother about control crying or confort crying or whatever?
Sometimes too many advices are given but not knowing the background of those advices may sometimes be bad advice.
Well, I can now be at peace with myself when someone asks, "Have you not done control crying?". I don't need to. I don't need to teach my son how to leap before he can walk. All in good time. He will be independent when he's secure and that's what he needs right now-security. With that type of independence (the one that is the result of attachment formed at early childhood), he won't have a problem with interdependency that is an essential ingredient for healthy relationships.
I'm sure control crying is good for mothers who have no choice but to go back to work full-time and to make sure they have a good night sleep because they have to be alert at work the next day. But I can just shuffle my days to suit myself if I've had a bad night, so why bother about control crying or confort crying or whatever?
Sometimes too many advices are given but not knowing the background of those advices may sometimes be bad advice.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Extended Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding a baby is now a pretty acceptable thing to do. However, breastfeeding a toddler is still taking its time to be trendy. I'm still breastfeeding my 17 month old toddler and on many occassions thougth of weaning him only because it's the acceptable thing to do. I get asked the question of when I'm going to wean him quite a bit. I've only known of 2 other mums who had breastfed their toddlers till 4 years of age. If I'm not wrong, the jewish in the old testament practiced extended breasteeding - 3 years old is the age of weaning - Samuel in the Old Testament was weaned and given to Eli at age 3.
My only problem with extended breastfeeding is the social stigma and the possibility that I mightn't get my beauty sleep back earlier. Abnormal medical conditions not considered, neither of them are for any wholesome benefits. In fact, I found there are more benefits to continue to breastfeed a toddler than not - see http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/breastfeeding/a/bf_toddler.htm . There's the better health aspect, the attachment/security and bonding aspect (the more secure your child feels, the more confident he/she will be as an adult) and the cost aspect (no need to buy milk and bottles).
So I've decided I will continue to breastfeed my boy till he's ready to give it up. I'll just have to start training him that it'll have to be done in private. At the moment, he's still being fed on demand, so that means, anywhere and anytime (yes, he asks for it when I'm queuing up at the checkout if he's upset- lol). I guess that'll have to stop by the time we go on our holidays in May!
My only problem with extended breastfeeding is the social stigma and the possibility that I mightn't get my beauty sleep back earlier. Abnormal medical conditions not considered, neither of them are for any wholesome benefits. In fact, I found there are more benefits to continue to breastfeed a toddler than not - see http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/breastfeeding/a/bf_toddler.htm . There's the better health aspect, the attachment/security and bonding aspect (the more secure your child feels, the more confident he/she will be as an adult) and the cost aspect (no need to buy milk and bottles).
So I've decided I will continue to breastfeed my boy till he's ready to give it up. I'll just have to start training him that it'll have to be done in private. At the moment, he's still being fed on demand, so that means, anywhere and anytime (yes, he asks for it when I'm queuing up at the checkout if he's upset- lol). I guess that'll have to stop by the time we go on our holidays in May!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child?
Well, I thought I'd said my peace yesterday on this topic but it seems not. I had a 14 year old with me today to help me babysit my little one. She loves kids so I've asked her to come play with Ky while I get some work done.
We were cleaning up after lunch where Ky had thrown his food on the floor as usual. The whole food throwing and playing thing is getting better but still food ends up on the floor towards the end of the meal. Earlier, she had seen me telling Ky sternly how I was not happy with him throwing his food on the floor and continuing on with whatever I was doing. During our washing up, she asked, "do you give Ky a smack on the hand at all just to let him know that it's wrong to throw food on the floor?" I said no and explained that I don't think it would make any difference. He's got the point that I wasn't happy. He's not dumb.
She's a really good girl - well mannered, polite and confident. She is the youngest of 4 and following her older siblings do what they do had resulted in her maturing quicker for her age. She cleans and organizes Ky's toys for me when she's here. She's like her mum who keeps her home very neat and tidy. Her parents are school teachers and advocates smacking for discipline. So, why would I not smack my child if this near perfect child is the outcome of being disciplined by the rod?
Well, although she and her eldest brother are the perfect children every household would want in their family, her other 2 siblings are not. The thing is, it's not the rod that is why she has turned out the way she has, it's her personality. Both her and her eldest brother have the same endearing personality that no. 2 and 3 do not and therefore faced the rod a lot more. They have no respect for their parents, rebel and do not have close, open relationships with either of their parents. In fact, no.2 & 3 are oten talked about by their parents as difficult children. So, has the rod helped? I don't think so. I think it's caused more of a wedge than anything.
There are many ways of tackling a problem situation or a problem child. There's distraction for the younger child. Witholding or confiscating their favourite toy, sending the child to a naughty corner or room, tackling the root problem of their bad behaviour are other alternatives rather than resorting to the rod at first instance.
At the end of the day, what parents choose to do is their own business. I don't profess to know what really definitely works and what really doesn't so I don't really want to interfere. Why can't parents just say they don't know rather than try and have one set answer for all parenting solutions? Like my lecturer, Dr Graham Barker, used to say, if you only have a hammer in your hand, everything will start to look like a nail. But if you have more tools in your hands, you can use the appropriate tools for each problem. Knowledge equate to tools.
We were cleaning up after lunch where Ky had thrown his food on the floor as usual. The whole food throwing and playing thing is getting better but still food ends up on the floor towards the end of the meal. Earlier, she had seen me telling Ky sternly how I was not happy with him throwing his food on the floor and continuing on with whatever I was doing. During our washing up, she asked, "do you give Ky a smack on the hand at all just to let him know that it's wrong to throw food on the floor?" I said no and explained that I don't think it would make any difference. He's got the point that I wasn't happy. He's not dumb.
She's a really good girl - well mannered, polite and confident. She is the youngest of 4 and following her older siblings do what they do had resulted in her maturing quicker for her age. She cleans and organizes Ky's toys for me when she's here. She's like her mum who keeps her home very neat and tidy. Her parents are school teachers and advocates smacking for discipline. So, why would I not smack my child if this near perfect child is the outcome of being disciplined by the rod?
Well, although she and her eldest brother are the perfect children every household would want in their family, her other 2 siblings are not. The thing is, it's not the rod that is why she has turned out the way she has, it's her personality. Both her and her eldest brother have the same endearing personality that no. 2 and 3 do not and therefore faced the rod a lot more. They have no respect for their parents, rebel and do not have close, open relationships with either of their parents. In fact, no.2 & 3 are oten talked about by their parents as difficult children. So, has the rod helped? I don't think so. I think it's caused more of a wedge than anything.
There are many ways of tackling a problem situation or a problem child. There's distraction for the younger child. Witholding or confiscating their favourite toy, sending the child to a naughty corner or room, tackling the root problem of their bad behaviour are other alternatives rather than resorting to the rod at first instance.
At the end of the day, what parents choose to do is their own business. I don't profess to know what really definitely works and what really doesn't so I don't really want to interfere. Why can't parents just say they don't know rather than try and have one set answer for all parenting solutions? Like my lecturer, Dr Graham Barker, used to say, if you only have a hammer in your hand, everything will start to look like a nail. But if you have more tools in your hands, you can use the appropriate tools for each problem. Knowledge equate to tools.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Parenting
I realise that parenting styles differ from family to family. Each family does things differently depending on how they were raised themselves and the culture and personality of each parent. What works for one family might not work for another.
Yet, there are so many books on what we should do. I remember when I was bemoaning my lack of sleep when Ky was waking up every 2 hours a friend recommended me a book. It was all about setting a routine for the child, what to do with a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, methods of play, sleep, feed processes to name a few. I didn't read the whole book. In fact, to be truthful, I read the summary at the back page, the blurb about the author and a page of two of the book and left it.
Almost 17 months later, I am still plagued with lack of sleep. He's improved a bit over the 17 months but he goes through patches where he sleeps better than some months. The last few weeks has been tough. He's been waking up every 2-3 hours for a feed! So, back to the literature I went, but this time, I did my own research into studies done rather than take an author's advice.
So I researched about 1) when to wean because I'm beginning to get asked how long I was going to breastfeed for. 2) About sleeping patterns of toddlers because I'm wondering if the breastfeeding does affect his sleep pattern. 3) Developmental theories (Erik Erikson, Jean Piaget, Vygotsky) because my dear boy is still going through the separation anxiety eventhough I thought this should have eased a bit after his first year. 4) Attachment theory (Bowlby's Attachment Theory) - to understand the whole need for emotional security, perceived competence and perceived autonomy in a child's development. 5) About parenting styles and what to avoid because I keep getting advised that one should not "spare the rod and spoil the child". No. 3, 4 and 5 are about parenting sytles.
I have formed my own views about my own dilemma and will share them with you. Perhaps I'll start with no.5 because it's an advice I get from well-meaning christians more than any other. I beg to differ. I don't know what refute to give except that the bible also has a lot of other sayings that may not be taken literally due to differences in time and culture. Symbolisms are often used-in this case, rod=discipline. I agree with discipline, but I disagree with the rod bit taken literally. I think there are many ways of punishment and it is not necessary to use the rod. A frustrated or well-meaning parent or carer resorts to a rod because it's the quickest method that inflicts fear on the child so as to gain power and obedience.
I admit, I smack my son's hands when he defiantly throws his food on the floor but more often than not, out of frustration. Apparently, they all do it because it's a developmental thing. Eventually, they just get over it and stop doing it. So, while I should tell him how I feel about him throwing food on the floor, smacking him will not do more than if I had shown my disapproval through words and tone of voice. In fact, the more I smack, the more he does it because he's learning that he gets a reaction from me. Worse than that, I would hate to send the message that the use of physical power is how one can gain control.
What about a light smack you may ask? My question is, what's the point of it? Like Stephen Covey says, begin with the end in mind. If it is to instill discipline, then there are better and more effective methods. They may be more time consuming to enforce, but let's not abuse the bible verse to give permission to a method that is more a choice of convenience to the parent/carer than a choice based on what's better for the child.
Next... my stand on extended breastfeeding and sleeping methods.
Yet, there are so many books on what we should do. I remember when I was bemoaning my lack of sleep when Ky was waking up every 2 hours a friend recommended me a book. It was all about setting a routine for the child, what to do with a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, methods of play, sleep, feed processes to name a few. I didn't read the whole book. In fact, to be truthful, I read the summary at the back page, the blurb about the author and a page of two of the book and left it.
Almost 17 months later, I am still plagued with lack of sleep. He's improved a bit over the 17 months but he goes through patches where he sleeps better than some months. The last few weeks has been tough. He's been waking up every 2-3 hours for a feed! So, back to the literature I went, but this time, I did my own research into studies done rather than take an author's advice.
So I researched about 1) when to wean because I'm beginning to get asked how long I was going to breastfeed for. 2) About sleeping patterns of toddlers because I'm wondering if the breastfeeding does affect his sleep pattern. 3) Developmental theories (Erik Erikson, Jean Piaget, Vygotsky) because my dear boy is still going through the separation anxiety eventhough I thought this should have eased a bit after his first year. 4) Attachment theory (Bowlby's Attachment Theory) - to understand the whole need for emotional security, perceived competence and perceived autonomy in a child's development. 5) About parenting styles and what to avoid because I keep getting advised that one should not "spare the rod and spoil the child". No. 3, 4 and 5 are about parenting sytles.
I have formed my own views about my own dilemma and will share them with you. Perhaps I'll start with no.5 because it's an advice I get from well-meaning christians more than any other. I beg to differ. I don't know what refute to give except that the bible also has a lot of other sayings that may not be taken literally due to differences in time and culture. Symbolisms are often used-in this case, rod=discipline. I agree with discipline, but I disagree with the rod bit taken literally. I think there are many ways of punishment and it is not necessary to use the rod. A frustrated or well-meaning parent or carer resorts to a rod because it's the quickest method that inflicts fear on the child so as to gain power and obedience.
I admit, I smack my son's hands when he defiantly throws his food on the floor but more often than not, out of frustration. Apparently, they all do it because it's a developmental thing. Eventually, they just get over it and stop doing it. So, while I should tell him how I feel about him throwing food on the floor, smacking him will not do more than if I had shown my disapproval through words and tone of voice. In fact, the more I smack, the more he does it because he's learning that he gets a reaction from me. Worse than that, I would hate to send the message that the use of physical power is how one can gain control.
What about a light smack you may ask? My question is, what's the point of it? Like Stephen Covey says, begin with the end in mind. If it is to instill discipline, then there are better and more effective methods. They may be more time consuming to enforce, but let's not abuse the bible verse to give permission to a method that is more a choice of convenience to the parent/carer than a choice based on what's better for the child.
Next... my stand on extended breastfeeding and sleeping methods.
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